Like a Virgin - Madonna

I am not going to be out partying it up like I used to back in the day. In fact, I will probably never again party like I used to, at least with alcohol involved, sigh... I know it is unhealthy to drink but boy did I have fun times. The stories and partying experiences of my life have been fantastic. I remember drinking and dancing on the seats of a restaurant in Cairnes, Australia. Just pure energy of an entire room full of people dancing, it was awesome. I also have a fond memory of dancing with my peace corps pals in a random bar in Benin. Just dancing and singing together and then to return to an impromptu dip in a kitty pool we assembled in the library of the Peace Corps Office, ah drunken decisions. Maybe not the wisest choices but what fun memories I have. Singing Madonna Karaoke on National TV.

I physically cannot get my drink on anymore. The consequences of a night of drinking is just too much. Life is sure strange the roads you take and where you end up. So I get to continue to have crazy fun experiences without the help of liquid courage. Hmmm we will see how it goes.

Being that it is the end of the year and a time for reflection, I have been enjoying the questions of the reverb#10 project. A way to reflect on 2010 and set intention for 2011. It is a series of questions that are sent out everyday for the month of December. I am going to work on the questions here on my blog. One because it will be a good way to reflect and two I want to start writing more about who I am so my little guy will always now who his mama is.


December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

COMPASSION. I am choosing this one word because I had to work so hard this past year to be patient and compassionate with myself. My body went through hell and back and then hell and back again. Life was not as I expected it to be in 2010. I had a very tough road and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could with the hand that I was dealt. I am trying to heal and learn to live with my new normal.

EXPRESSION: In 2011 I want my word to be Expression! I want to sing out and let people know I am here and I am alive. I want to express my creativity and my passions. I want to play and laugh with my friends and family. I want to dance and express my joy of being healed. I want to express my feelings, thoughts and art with all.

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)
spending time on the Iphone searching and surfing. I can cut back but I doubt I can eliminate it.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

My first walk outside after my surgery. It was a sunny fall day and no one was around. I walked out to the sidewalk and felt the sun shine on my face. I saw the apples on the trees and took a deep breath. I looked at the dahlias, specifically my favorite one which I call "pink Lemonade". It is pointy with yellow with pink tips. I felt very alive. I had been lying down for over 4 weeks and very weak. Everything was very vivid. Complete double rainbows to be exact.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

Living with a toddler. Just observing the wonder and amazement of his learning is WONDERful. He is fascinated by everything. I am fascinated by him. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I let go of a lot of expectations of how I thought my life would be. I let go of a lot almost too much to write about without getting completely depressed. I let go of the need to understand. I let go of the need to be right. I let go of parts of my body. I let go of tying so hard. I let go of worrying about the small things. I let go of needing to be together all the time. I let go. I let go some of my youth- physically. I let go of my self, my identity. I let go of caring very much what people think. WHY? Well that silly cancer had something to do with it. Good bye cancer. I let go of cancer, all done. (I am signing it too).

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

Last thing I made was gingerbread cookies. I used cookie dough that I bought at Great Harvest Bread because I wanted christmas cookies. I would like to make a quilt again and I would like to do some collage and make a vision board or some soul collage cards.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have been blessed to join the community Sangha Mamas which has given my support and strength. I have also found that our larger community is amazing. People have been so supportive and helpful over the past year. I feel so blessed by community. I would like to add more expressive and fun activities to my life. I would like to join an improv group again.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I am beautifully different because I have a positive attitude and am hopeful. I am willing to put myself out there and look stupid. I am silly. I like to sing-a-long with apps on my iphone. I have an amazing scar across my body that is super hot! I want to be present. I try to listen to others and ask questions. I believe in people. I have no shame about what I like.

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

It wasn't a party but a concert. We went to see angelique kidjo and it was as always amazing. She rocked my socks off. Felt one with people. There was a lot of singing and dancing. She includes everyone at her show. I was in the middle of treatment so felt like shit. However I felt for that night that Benin existed and my life in peace corps did happen. I felt transported to a happier tim in my life when I was healthy and exploring the world. I was with my husband and we rushed the stage together and watched all people at the concert.

Frosty the Snowman

Happy New Year. A time for reflection and intentions for the new year. I have a lot to be thankful for. 2010 was a year of change once again. 3 years in a row now. I think it is time for some stability and peace in our family. Actually some mundane routine sounds very appealing. Here are my 2010 Christmas poems:


My gift of Christmas Spirit

You better watch out and you’re welcome to cry
My Christmas spirit is ready to fly
My spirit says, yes, its time to celebrate!
The lights are shining and I don’t know my fate
It is time to give and receive
It is time to surrender and believe
Take a deep breath and look around
It is time, Santa is comin’ to town!


Ode to Frosty the Snowman

Frosty knows how to live
He knows the sun will shine
and that he will melt away
so what dose he do?
He doesn’t spend time worrying about when that sunny day will come
He doesn’t stress over his career or making his mark in the world
He doesn’t lament about those he will leave behind
He dances, sings and plays with children
He lives life to the fullest with the time he has
He is present, in the moment
Frosty is my buddha

I am ready for 2011. I welcome peace and love. I am ready to laugh really hard, be creative and have some kick ass good times. Watch out

Oh the Places You'll go- Dr. Seuss

I feel like the last two years of my life I have been living in a Dr. Seuss book: very colorful, sometimes unbelievable, fun, nonsensical, sad, lovely and insane. As you all know my family has been on the cancer express train. Yes, we all face suffering in our lives. We just happened to get a huge dose of it in a short time. So that means that I’ve paid my dues, right? Oh the bargaining I’ve done. I don’t want to rehash the cancer stories but I want to share with you my gratitude and thanks. I have changed and you have helped my family with our healing journey.

I couldn’t have gotten through three bouts of cancer and won without Brandon, Canyon, my family, friends, co-workers, St Francis family and the greater Bellingham community. Cancer quickly reordered my priorities. Facing the big ugly fear of death really sucks. Again I am not writing to tell you about the suffering. I have gained some personal wisdom in effort to make sense of this disease. I don't want to forget it so here it is.

A top priority in my life now is “my people”. Who are “my people”? All of us, from my spouse and child to the lady in the grocery store scanning my items. You all are my people and the generosity we have been gifted reinforces my love for “my people.” Thank you.

Trying to be present. I do not have “control” over my life and I can’t change the past or know the future. I can be here and now. Having 2 year-old Canyon reminds me of the importance of being in the moment. This is a big challenge.

Feel it all. As much as I can I try to let the feelings flow. I may not recognize why I am feeling what I am but I try to have compassion for myself and just let it be what it is.

It is important to listen to my body. Try to be healthy, pay attention to my diet, exercise, and rest, decrease stress. But also enjoy a hot fudge Sunday every once in a while. Have compassion and love for the changes in my body. Not create more stress by obsessing about my health.

Finally, Life is too short to not wear sequins everyday! Have bling in your life. I have more confidence in myself and don’t care what people think. When in doubt it can’t hurt to ask. I try to let go and laugh at the absurdity of life. The opposite side of this fearless card is that I do feel big fears too, but don’t we all.

Thank you again for supporting my family. We have never felt more blessed. Your generosity has been unbelievable. I have been able to heal, to enjoy time with my family and not worry about the things I can/could not do.

Don't Be Shy - Cat Stevens

Having headaches, drug withdrawls I guess. I am tired and not 100%. I keep thinking that I am healed but this is a slow process and my body is telling me to slow down. I want to do it all. It is sad but I often feel a sense of urgency that I need to do it all right now. Must be a cancer/mortality thing. I have this awful sense that time is going to run out, that is depressing. Okay who needs to do some meditation/stress reduction activities. Yes, that would be me. I am ready to be done with recovery. I want to be normal but there is "no" normal. It is what it is right now. This is it and this is life. The ups and downs the boredom, sadness, excitement and blessings. I feel lucky yet sad. I am in limbo. I am not sick and bed ridden. I look normal and well but my body still hurts and I am still emotionally adjusting to my new body. Intellectually I know how to process but then there is still the feeling stuff. As we discussed in my book group. I am ATTACHED. I am attached to how I want my day to go, how I want my life to go. It is hard to let go and give it up, or at least be flexible to different outcomes.

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

I have written a few times and not posted. So now it seems funny to post something from the past. I sometimes wish I could have written in my blog during my recovery from surgery but I didn't do it. A lot of the time I couldn't do it because I was too medicated and also it is not easy to type when you can't sit down. So I may start writing again.

I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.

On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.

After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.

Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.

I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.

Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.

Laughter is good medicine

On and On - Jack Johnson

It is late and I have been told that getting adequate sleep can reduce your chance of getting cancer, or at least help you heal. Well I know it is an important one. Right up there with stress level. so I will make it short and sweet. As to not create to much internal stress by my lack of sleep. Oh you really can 't win. I guess I just have to live and not try so hard all the time. I forgive you self.

update: I completed my scan on Monday. The nurse called Tuesday and said that the preliminary report shows PET uptake in the area of the biopsies, where there are known cancer cells but NO WHERE ELSE. Yeah! so it is still local. In T- 14 days I will have a new ass and vag. That sounds totally crazy. The day of my scan I met the plastic surgeon who will be rebuilding the back side of my vag and perinieum. He was great. He answered all of my questions. He and his resident did an exam and were very impressed by my vag, because of all of the radiation I had they were surprised at how healthy she looked. This was the first time any doctor has said anything positive to me in a long time. So thank you for that.

next step: to Portland/OHSU for 2nd opinion then back to Seattle for a 3rd opinion. I am going to go listen to "my own healing island" now. Aloha

Help- The Beatles

You all have been supporting me through this cancer journey/ordeal/insanity that started back in March 2009. Thank you. Brandon and I are thankful to have such wonderful friends in our life.

I am sorry to say that we have a new hurdle in our path. I had multiple biopsies taken last week and some came back positive for cancer. They are the same cancer cells from my primary cancer. Those bastards will not die. Even my oncologist was shocked with the results. The cells are still pretty microscopic at this point and are literally a pain in my ASS. This situation is total bullshit and all I want to say is FUCK cancer. There, said it.

My oncologist said it can be cured. The "cure" is a major surgery to cut out the cancer which is now in my rectum. I will have to live with a colostomy for the rest of my life. This treatment is only done if they can pretty much guarantee a cure.

My next step is to get another PET/CT scan to verify the cancer is not anywhere else in my body. This seems unlikely because I had a clear scan just 2 months ago. I am also going to see an ass specialist, to see if he can save my ass. And get another opinion about treatment options.

As you can imagine this pretty much sucks and B and I are riding a roller coaster of emotions daily. My surgery is scheduled for September 7th at U of W. I will be in the hospital at least 7 days then recovering for 6+ weeks up in Bellingham.

We definitely need some help through this one. It is pretty scary right now. I am thinking of ways that friends and family can help. I am working on a list to make this life change easier on us. Most of all I request that you send healing thoughts, prayers and positive energy our way. I am at the point in this insanity to just ask for what I need and not feel the least bit guilty. So here it is.

Here is my list so far:
suggestions for funny stories, videos, books
suggestions for inspiring books or videos
suggestions for healing books, videos ect..
meal train once we return to bellingham- someone who can coordinate this via email
prayers and positive energy
recommendation of practioners that can help with the healing process (i.e. massage, acupuncture, energy healing)
house cleaning
picking-up Canyon after child care (while I am on weight restriction)
helping me with Canyon before Brandon gets home from work
Help with Canyon some Saturdays (Brandon works those days)
Man-dates for Brandon- get him out to have fun and enjoy some friend time.
Play dates for Canyon
gardening
grocery shopping
visiting me during recovery
letting me laugh or cry on your shoulder
Someone go see Hall N Oates for me at the Puyallup fair (I bought tickets but won't be able to go)
Maybe to go out dancing or karoke before surgery

I am also considering an impromptu good bye party for my ass before the surgery. I know this sounds random but why not. I need to have fun too. FYI I am also open to hearing all butt jokes.

And remember I will be the most beautiful girl you will ever know with a colostomy and fuck cancer.

Pain in the ASS

What the FUCK! WTF! WTF! Cancer can bite my fucking ass, oh wait it did. bullshit bullshit bullshit. stupid ass cancer. stupid ASS cancer.

Ananda Shankar Jayant fights cancer with dance | Video on TED.com

Ananda Shankar Jayant fights cancer with dance | Video on TED.com

All You Need is Love - The Beatles

Well I am not keeping up on my blog. Life has been a little busy. Not a lot of computer time. No guilt.

My scan was a success and I am officially CANCER FREE as of May 28th. The bummer was I had to call the doctor's office to get the results because they didn't call me for 3 days. It was a rough few days. We have also had the family chest cold month (ear infections for Canyon). So we all are on antibiotics together. Ugh! I am keeping up with about half of my list of health rituals. Getting sick kind of throws off the exercise plan. When the baby is sick, it throws off cooking, cleaning and resting. Finally, I think we have a handle on the situation. I swear you can do everything in your power to be healthy and still get sick.

My scan day was a long bizarre day. Because I was radioactive we spent the day away from Canyon. We went to a movie and saw a wonderful musician perform. I was sick with my cold and couldn't enjoy the outing as much as I wanted. During the scan I felt very confident that I was healthy. I chanted and listened to Bob Marley. All the cells in my body were grooving to reggae and not worrying about a thing.

I had a "wow" moment the day I found out about my clean scan. Hubby and I went out to celebrate and I stumbled upon a literature reading at the local book store. A man around my age was reading from his book which is a memoir about his cancer journey (crazy coincidence). I bought his book and could not put it down. It was incredible, raw and full of life's ups and downs. It painted a true picture of cancer and the roller coaster ride that it is. He was diagnosed right before his baby was born (I am not the only one who had to deal with cancer and a new baby). What a blessing to walk into that reading.

I feel like I have fallen off the healthy horse. It is time to hop back on and regain my mojo. A sick family is tired and low functioning family. I think we are getting near steady ground and back to our healthy path. I just need a healthy food support group. Maybe I should start one. hmmm, what would that look like?

Every Little Thing She Does is Magic - Sting

I can't believe it has been a month since my last post. Well, yes I can. Sans treatment life is busy and active. I am back to work (part-time). I am playing with Canyon, cleaning, cooking, doing the whole household thing. Although things are a bit different, I continue to find ways to become healthy and stay healthy without become a fanatic or going crazy. My nerves are starting to say hello and become louder each day. Why you ask? Well my first follow-up PET scan is in 2 weeks, ugh. It is great to have survived chemo and radiation and enter into the land of recovery/survivorship. However, there is still this underlying fear that flares up when these scans are on the horizon. So the big question is how do I keep my cool. How do I keep my self in check, so I don't freak out? I am not promoting suppressing my feelings but having some boundaries around them so they don't rule the next two weeks of my life. At my last follow-up appointment, which was good by the way, I was so nervous my heart rate was up to 98 just walking into the exam room. Now, I am starting the lovely cycle where I look for signs via songs on the radio that everything will work out and be alright. (that sentence is a good reminder: listen to more Bob Marley). I guess that is partly why I have songs associated with each blog entry.

Yes, I am a freak, but I have learned a lot on my cancer journey. Here are three things I especially like:

1. I am not afraid to say what is on my mind.
2. What have I got to lose
3. Not really concerned about what people think, I am what I am.

Okay, so back to business. At my last follow-up my oncologist said the two most important things I can do to help with my healing are: get your sleep and keep stress at a low level in your life. And then my husband says: good thing you are married to me (stress) and have a 16 month old (lack of sleep). Life is funny. Thanks Murphy and your silly laws.

I am trying to improve my health and I could go crazy trying to do this I realize (or become obsessed). For now I am trying a lot of different healing modalities to see what I like. In my pursuit for health and healing I have quite a list of health enhancing practices. It may seem a little insane but I am at a point where I am exercising my wisdom above: #1,2 & 3. Here is my list of healthy practices:

FOOD:
No sweets or candy (4 days in the past 6 weeks I have needed a little sweetness)
lots of veges/ juicing everyday
eating more whole foods
no red meat
white meat at the most every 1-2x per week
working on Ayruvedic diet (decreasing Pitta)
no dairy
no night shades
decreasing wheat
lots of tea- nettle/holy basil/triphala/licorice/ginger/tumeric
Working on an anti-inflammation diet

SUPPLEMENTS:
flax oil
vitamin E
Vitamin D3
Multi Vitamin
calcium
probiotic
Triphala
curcumin
green tea (occasionally)

EXERCISE/BODY-MIND
daily yoga
daily chanting
daily meditating
baths 2x per week
daily dry brushing
and daily sesame oil body massage
pranayama (breathing) techniques to balance kapha and vata
walking
early to bed
dancing around the house
singing loudly when possible

Looking at the list it looks insane, but so far it isn't driving my crazy or creating too much more stress. My goal is to try this stuff out until my scan and then rethink it. Hopefully my scan will be clean and all will be well. They key is to feel good and healthy in my body. To enjoy life and FEEL ALIVE.

Say it isn't so- Hall and Oates

Healing is not easy work. I am faced with same advice we always told laboring women when they were getting ready to push: one step forward and two steps back, that pushing stage is usually slow (at least with those first time moms). Or in my case feel good one day and crappy for two days. On Monday I was lucky enough to get the stomach flu. I was saddled with nausea, stomach cramps, diarrhea and a low grade fever. The ickiness lasted through yesterday. In some ways it was helpful to have "loose stool" but the multiple trips to the bathroom were not so great. I felt the pain.

Luckily I am healed enough to have reached some very important milestones. I will list them because I want them to stand out and remind myself how far I've come.

1. I can wear pants and underwear
2. I have been off the steroids for 8 days
3. Today I went for 15 hours without needing ibuprofen
4. I can wipe or blot
5. I no longer need the fan
6. I do not need to have a sitz bath 3-4x per day maybe 1x
7. I can care for Canyon by myself for the whole day (which is exhausting no mater what)
8. I can sit like a normal person

I am sure there are more milestones but those are the ones that come to mind. I am also juicing veges and some fruits every day. I have stopped eating sugar/most sweets. Take that cancer cells.

I bought my tickets to see Hall and Oates in September. I think it will either be fun/funny good time or ridiculous and "I can't believe I spent money to go to this concert". I hope it will be fun, I guess that is up to me.

Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue

I made it! I have finished 31 radiations and 6 chemos. Thank God it is over. I am healing every day and still on a variety of meds including, steroids and lots of ibu but I will hopefully be able to wean myself off them by next week. My skin is healing a little bit each day. I am still pretty tired and have my mooned-out face. C'est la vie, it could be soo much worse.

I arrived home on Sunday to a transformed home. My hubby was on a mission to create a simple and clean home for our return and he did just that, with help from others too. (Thank you, thank you and thank you). It was so emotional just driving into Bellingham and feeling that sense of being home after being away for 2 months. It was coming back to myself. I arrived to balloons and flowers filling my house and a home that looked like it had been in one of those "clean sweep" shows. We are no longer living on one floor while remodeling we have our whole house back, sans clutter. There are still things to go through and organize but it is not as overwhelming as it once was when we were living on one floor. I am set up to heal and recover- thank you.

My lovely sister-in-law also provided me with a singing card in my bathroom that does play "I will Survive" when I open the card, this has made the the pain a little less grim when it comes to my potty times. I also found a hand held fan a bartells that lights up and has an easter bunny on it. It is perfect for those outings when I can't wipe. Oh the joy of treatment. However soon I will be back to wiping and wearing pants again and I can retire my skirt wardrobe for a while.

My 39th birthday was yesterday and it was wonderful. I was pretty tired because I have been so excited to be home, I want to go, go go. My dad was here for the transition helping me with Canyon and other house things. (thank you, thank you thank you). I received a wonderful juicer and I am excited to start my juicing revolution to keep those cancer cells out of my system. Ok, as I right this all down I have to remind myself to pace myself because I get so excited about the new beginnings. That is where the deep breathing and meditation come in, right.

Canyon is happy and having fun exploring his new/old toys and adjusting to his new/old room.

I am really so thankful to have such wonderfully supportive friends and family during this rough road. I have to say the blogging helps. I am glad to be blogging a little less because that means I am out living life, not on the computer. Life is like a musical (that ones for you mom), for me it is more theme songs that can represent a moment, a day or an event. I know we really have little control in our life and really all we can count on is that things will change. But you can pick your songs, that I can control, we all can.

Blame it on the Rain(Pain) - Milli Vanilli

It is coming down to the wire. 5 more days of radiation and 1 more chemotherapy. I feel like crap. I feel anxious and fearful, but who wouldn't. It is the pain. I have constant pain in my lower regions and am trying to cope. I take steroids and ibu. for the pain which seems to work, most of the time. I really hate narcotics and am not planning on using them. I feel like I am hitting another wall, a combo of an emotional and physical wall. Now that my body is hurting it is hard to keep going. It is kinda like training for that marathon I attempted 4 years ago. I am at mile 19 and I want to stop, cry and rest, back then I did keep going. So now at "mile 19" of torturing my body I want to stop and cry and heal. Cancer treatment is really lame. My life has changed in so many ways due to this disease and I have had such little time to process. It is just survival at this stage. It is not fair. The other challenge is once I am finished with treatment the week after is going to really suck because I will still have all the damage and minus all the drugs to help with the side effects. I am working on this with my docs.

Last week at my doc visit the doc, resident and nurse all said, "my butt looks really good" (don't hear that one every day). I guess my skin has done well and my treatment and care systems have worked. Chemo was long on Tuesday. Again, they had trouble getting an IV. The first IV infiltrated after 2 hours and then the next one worked great but I didn't get out of there until 6:30 pm due to waiting to get the 3rd IV attempt. Thankfully I had some friends visit to make the time pass by.

Due to the pain when I go to the bathroom I have been trying different coping techniques which include breathing, singing and humming. I wish I had one of those musical greeting cards so every time I completed a bathroom experience (and let me tell you it is an experience) without crying or passing out I can play "Celebrate good times" or "I will survive".

The other part of this journey that is rough is being alone. Here is my existential moment. I know so many people fight cancer but when you are going through it, it is so individual. The feelings emotionally, physically and spiritually are crazy. We all have our own life journey and finding meaning in life is different for everyone. Well this cancer has turned all my beliefs upside down. It has made me face fears I haven't - death being the big one. It has made me think about what is important in my life. What really does matter- being with those you love and helping/healing others. All the houses, stuff and money will be gone. Trying to be in the here and now and embrace creativity and passion -This is how I want to live. I am ready to create more happy memories I want to be done with cancer in my body. Yes, cancer you are a teacher and I am committed to learning from you for the rest of my life, I promise, but your cells can leave now.

New Moon on Monday - Duran Duran

The count down is on. Only 9 more radiation treatments and 2 more chemos. The radiation fields are decreasing starting tomorrow too. Yeah! usually there are 9 different radiation beam angles that target a variety of areas. Now they are going to be reduced down to 3 target areas, the techs call it "a boost". When I think of a boost I think of getting a protein boost in a smoothie, something healthy. But this is like an additional blast to kill the cancer and fry my skin too. However my groin area is now going to be radiation free, let the healing begin. Mondays and Tuesdays are my most challenging days of the week. All my meds are wearing off by Monday evening and a headache is starting to set in. Tuesday I feel like dung just waiting to get more steroids to stop the headache and the pain in my butt. oh the joy of treatment.

I am trying to see this as spring cleaning. Out with the old in with the new. I am so ready to be done with this spring cleaning. I went to acupuncture last Friday and felt more energy as a result. I was also informed that my "yang" was low, which is "lack of heat". Something you wouldn't expect from someone getting radiation but we figured it is probably due to the chemo medication which is a metal. Now I have a list of "yang" foods to eat. Hopefully I can ignite more heat into my body, it is worth a try.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dreamweaver -Reo Speedwagon

Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

2 weeks left and it keeps getting tougher. Hit a wall this week(weak), emotional brick wall. It is hard to get radiation every day knowing that it is frying my girl parts, but it's killing the cancer which is the goal. I am not a fan of pain but who is? I finally created a CD to listen to during my 15 minutes of day on the rad table. The first song is "most beautiful girl in the room", by Flight of the Conchords, it makes me laugh because I am not feeling so beautiful these days. (So I need to tell myself I am beautiful.) I have learned through this journey that my body can take a lot of insult and all my vanity has left the building. I just do what I can to cope. My body transforms from steroids, radiation and chemo. Moon face, pudgy belly, burned parts- what is next? I have 3 sitz baths a day, aloe vera gel, and now some silvadene cream. It is quite a process. While I soak I have been reading a book about surviving hard times and buddhism. I am working on the idea of being in the present moment but when I feel the burning pain, last thing I want to do is being the present moment, hell no. It is a weird journey.

Last weekend I took an art class at the cancer lifeline - the healing mandala. It was with 10 others dealing with cancer and we created and shared. It was such a blessing to have some time to create and express this insane time via art and know that I am NOT alone.

I heard Dreamweaver driving to radiation today and it fit my feelings perfectly. I am ready to reach the morning light. I want to be done, move through this and be present for my son and husband. I want my life back. My fortune cookie said: Success will be Yours!

Don't You Forget About Me - Simple Minds

Infusion #3. I have entered a new warrior phase of my treatment. I wore my knee high ninja socks for the world to see today, kicking cancer's ass one day at a time. I have also created a new "spiritual" name for myself: Brave Stinging Bottom, it tells all I think. I have had some success with my constipation situation, however due to my burning skin I am always aware of my bottom/perinieum zone. I continue to think about the wonders of the butt. My pain is controlled by ibu. for the most part. Today my veins were not very cooperative, It took 4 tries to get a line. I have my infusion line on my right hand which makes it hard to do much, oh well, only 4 more hours.
I went home last weekend to Bellingham the 2nd time in a month. It was great to see the streets, Mt. Baker and my home. I was nervous to come home. I felt sad that I am not in Bellingham, that my home is only a place I visit right now. It is a reminder of "my life" which is not at home. I felt like I needed to walk around my house and take inventory or just be aware of what was in my house. Look at the dresser, a painting, the closet. All these things we have spent time collecting to be a part of our lives. A lot of memories connected to items and things. I did however feel this strong need to purge and reorganize, which will have to wait. It is amazing that I can be gone from my home for over a month and I don't really need anything that is in my house. Cancer makes me want a new start, a do over. I want to purge the cancer and I want to declutter our lives of material things. I want to have room to heal and make room for peace in my life. I want to live like I am on vacation. Does this sound crazy? I am sure this has something to do with living through a remodel too. Once I am done with this treatment, I am going to purge and spring clean like there is no tomorrow, live in the moment!
Juicing is my other thought of the day. I have been reading a lot about the benefits of juicing which I cannot partake in until after treatment due to the high antioxidants. Also, can someone teach me to cook really awesome and diverse healthy foods?

I want a new drug - Huey Lewis & The News

My creativity is low, my posting seems less interesting. I will blame it on treatment. Bubba is 14 months today, happy bday to you my love! He is busy and talking and walking a lot. A bit exhausting for my present lifestyle but also an inspiration of love in my life. I am 33% done with treatment. Unfortunately it is not a downward easy ride from here. I am trying to work on balancing my body with the various assults I currently endure. Tuesday I ended up with 5 pokes for one IV and a blood draw. Now I am sporting a huge bruise from a blown vein, too many pokes.
Now for the graphic part, you can pass on reading this if you don't want to know the "graphic" details. It is all about the vag and butt. Please honor and love your rectum, is all I have to say. All the meds I take have given me constipation and I am working to get things flowing. I have been given the green light to eat all raw fruits and veges, (a wonderful gift) I am drinking prune juice, metamucil, 4 stool softeners a day, lots of water and probiotics and aloe vera juice. Unfortunately, it still hasn't worked, so having a bowel movement is very painful due to my surgery. I had some of the rectal tissue removed so to be crude I can say, "I have ripped a new asshole". I use a lot of yoga breathing and then a sitz bath, cold and warm, Ibuprofen helps. I then get daily radiation on my rectum and vag to add insult to the injury. So I have to say love the amazing process of your rectum. I also have the start of a yeast infection brewing and started on some oral diflucan.
This is what my life is right now, managing symptoms and trying to rest and play with Bubba. I am also trying to find time to bring healing into my day, like listening to a song I like on my drive to radiation and singing it loudly. Sitting in the winter sun watching bubba play with a mole hill and a stick. Searching on the internet for resources and tips to help with my cancer journey. It is just one day at a time and also some good junky distractions like "Lost" episodes or People magazine.

Come Sail Away - Rush

Sleep is winning over blogging, which I guess is a good thing. Trying to heal is a full time job. I have made it through 7 treatments, 23 to go. I don't understand where the time goes. I guess mostly to toddler time and sleeping. I went to a patient services fair and won the raffle. Yahoo for me, a bag of beach supplies and how not to get burned. This is slightly ironic because my treatment will give me burns in that oh so sensitive place. I am being tortured for what I don't know. This cancer treatment is so unsexy. I did discover the resource of "Crazy Sexy Cancer" which is very positive and has some interesting resources.
The great thing about this Seattle "layover" as I like to call it, is that Canyon is getting to play in some very fun places. We hit the Seattle Children's Museum last week and he was happy as a clam, running around "Japan, China and Africa and discovery bay", it was quite a journey for him. I am trying to balance toddler time and me time but toddler time is winning. Canyon will start child care next week which will give me a little more down time. I hope to get in a yoga class or meditation time.

Tomorrow is chemo day and I have decided if I can't feel hot at least I can look hot!

Wild World -Cat Stevens

Here I am in chemo infusion #1. This time I know the drill. I am in the remodeled wing. I am actually resting on a tempur-pedic hospital bed in a large private room with warm tones. So nice. My med orders weren't here so the hydration was started an hour late, so I will be finishing just as the traffic is in full force. I am here solo today due to miscommunication. There is too much to coordinate so it happens. Bubba is with grandma. Hubby is at work. I am cozy watching a cheesy Drew Barrymore movie, eating lorna dunes, and sesame noodles. Relaxing with my new drug load of Ativan, Aloxy(anti-nausea) and a steroid. I am now living with meds. I still have another 45 minutes before I get my chemo drug, Cisplatin, infusion. It is hard on the kidneys so I get 2 hours of hydration before and after. How am I feeling? Like I am experiencing a big deja vu. My white blood cells are a little low but not overly concerning, so they say. I am scared, that is how I am feeling, not like a kick ass strong lady. I am mentally preparing for the unknowns of my body and mind that this treatment brings. one day at a time, it is what it is. The words of wisdom I keep telling myself. I checked out this book from the library called crazy sexy cancer tips. It is great. I skimmed it for some tips of wisdom for this process. One tip I read addresses when you become a "survivor". A question I have often wondered myself. I always assumed it was after treatment but per this particular cancer guide book, you are a survivor the moment you receive your cancer diagnosis, which is a relief. I don't know why but it feels like a relief to know I am already a survivor.
I saw Avitar last night, it was amazing. I kept thinking that Pandora (their world) was like Hawaii. I also thought I would like to be one of the blue people. Maybe I could exchange my body for a blue body like the main character. It is fun to fantasize.
I visited two child care possibilities for Bubba yesterday. It is hard to figure that out. I want to be with Bubba but I also need to rest. The nurses just came in to do there ID checks to give me my toxic drug, they will soon return in blue plastic gowns to hook me up. Kill the cancer, kill the cancer! Just saw an add with a "suckometer". This is high on the suckometer.

One Love - Bob Marley

Yes we have left paradise. Our Kauai trip was superb. It was a perfect getaway. Of course we want to move there now. We have calculated that it will take 3 years before we can move to Kauai. The fantastic part of this dream is that we truly feel like this could be a future reality. What do we have to lose besides money. Canyon was outside more than inside during our trip. He loved the sand and the ocean. He could run barefoot on the grass in only a diaper or naked with complete comfort. It was so refreshing to have a temperature that was always comfortable. We listened to Bob Marley over and over. Canyon loved to watch the CD spin. He would spend time making sure every fan was on in the house. He loved to watch them spin. The beach was his own personal spa. He would lay in the sand, roll around in it, eat it. He dug and sifted and felt it through his toes. He is an amazing boy. Our aloha spirit is high right now.
We are back home and less than 12 hours after landing I started round number 2 of treatment. Back to radiation. I am happy to report 2 days down with little to no side effects, only 28 treatments and 6 chemos and I will be done. Oh but who's counting. Canyon came down with some illness on our trip home or the days leading up to our departure from kauai. He was shivering with a temp of 102. So while I was getting my first treatment he was at a walk in clinic with papa. It was weird to be back on the radiation table again. Same people working just one new person. They are always upbeat and positive, which is nice when you are going somewhere to get fried. This time during treatment I am visualizing these radiation beams targeting my cancer cells like an astroids game. So when I hear the radiation machine buzz and rotate and buzz again I just imagine the cells being blasted and reaching the next level of the healing game. I did feel a bit of nausea the last two days probably nerves. My treatment times range from 9am - 12pm and last 15 minutes. There is no choice but to live in the moment during treatment because I don't know how my body and mind will feel moment to moment with the array of drugs that are circulating through my body. This is a journey of unknowns that is a guarantee.

Breathe (2AM). -Anna Nalick

I am not into writing lately. I feel sad about the changes that are happening. Changes I did not plan on. Finley has only a week more a his child care that he loves. I only have a week more at my job which makes me feel productive in society. It is time for change. The most exciting change is going to Hawaii in a couple weeks. I am excited to sit on the beach and feel the warm sun on my skin. I can't wait to watch Finley play in the sand and hopefully enjoy the ocean water. It will be great. I just feel sad that I have to face 6 weeks of treatment again. I am trying to prepare this time in a different way. I am taking charge more of my healing. I am trying to balance my healing and my job as a mother. This is so hard because I want to be devoted entirely to my son but I have to take care of myself to heal. It is heartbreaking in some ways. I feel like I am not the mother I wanted to be. I am preoccupied with my health but I want to focus on being a mom instead. Intellectually I know that when I take care of myself I am more present for my son and husband. More quality less quantity, right? It is hard to let go of expectations of how I thought things would be as a mother. I am the poor mom with "cancer". Yes I am having a pity party right now. I guess I need to. It is hard to be where you are. I could write pages and pages about what I want but I know the truth is that I have right now. Right now, I am living in a wonderful home, with a loving husband and we have an amazing miracle child. Right now I am enjoying a quiet evening in my warm home with a candle burning and the baby sleeping. Right now, I am pain free and physically able to carry my 24 lb son and go on walks. Right now, I feeling sad, grateful and scared. Right now, I am noticing my breath and the stillness of the room.