It is coming down to the wire. 5 more days of radiation and 1 more chemotherapy. I feel like crap. I feel anxious and fearful, but who wouldn't. It is the pain. I have constant pain in my lower regions and am trying to cope. I take steroids and ibu. for the pain which seems to work, most of the time. I really hate narcotics and am not planning on using them. I feel like I am hitting another wall, a combo of an emotional and physical wall. Now that my body is hurting it is hard to keep going. It is kinda like training for that marathon I attempted 4 years ago. I am at mile 19 and I want to stop, cry and rest, back then I did keep going. So now at "mile 19" of torturing my body I want to stop and cry and heal. Cancer treatment is really lame. My life has changed in so many ways due to this disease and I have had such little time to process. It is just survival at this stage. It is not fair. The other challenge is once I am finished with treatment the week after is going to really suck because I will still have all the damage and minus all the drugs to help with the side effects. I am working on this with my docs.
Last week at my doc visit the doc, resident and nurse all said, "my butt looks really good" (don't hear that one every day). I guess my skin has done well and my treatment and care systems have worked. Chemo was long on Tuesday. Again, they had trouble getting an IV. The first IV infiltrated after 2 hours and then the next one worked great but I didn't get out of there until 6:30 pm due to waiting to get the 3rd IV attempt. Thankfully I had some friends visit to make the time pass by.
Due to the pain when I go to the bathroom I have been trying different coping techniques which include breathing, singing and humming. I wish I had one of those musical greeting cards so every time I completed a bathroom experience (and let me tell you it is an experience) without crying or passing out I can play "Celebrate good times" or "I will survive".
The other part of this journey that is rough is being alone. Here is my existential moment. I know so many people fight cancer but when you are going through it, it is so individual. The feelings emotionally, physically and spiritually are crazy. We all have our own life journey and finding meaning in life is different for everyone. Well this cancer has turned all my beliefs upside down. It has made me face fears I haven't - death being the big one. It has made me think about what is important in my life. What really does matter- being with those you love and helping/healing others. All the houses, stuff and money will be gone. Trying to be in the here and now and embrace creativity and passion -This is how I want to live. I am ready to create more happy memories I want to be done with cancer in my body. Yes, cancer you are a teacher and I am committed to learning from you for the rest of my life, I promise, but your cells can leave now.
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