Thursday, January 19, 2012

It's alright to cry - Rosey Grier

And the roller coaster continues... My oncologist called this morning with the results of biopsy #3. The chest wall biopsy was positive for cancer, darn it. Sigh. It is amazing how I can hear the "it is cancer" diagnosis again and in someways I hardly react because it has become such a part of my life, now at number 6. On the other hand I noticed that I had a hard time remembering the rest of the phone conversation with my oncologist. I remember more clearly Canyon saying, "mama who are you talking to?" If he only knew. I know he gets it a little bit because he knows that I go to the doctor a lot. However he hasn't known any different his whole life, well as long as he can remember. This is his normal. My oncologist went on to explain that cancer site #1, that from now on will be known as Henrietta*,is a candidate for the cutting edge stereotactic blah blah blah blah radiation and I will be her first gynonc patient to receive it. I am the guinea pig. Then she continued to explain that cancer site #2, that from now on will be known as Florence*, will need radiation, maybe 4 weeks, and concurrent chemotherapy. It will be a new chemotherapy drug for me, she said the name and what I heard was Jim Beam. Probably my defense mechanism kicking in to make it sound like a fun party drink, honestly though it really did sound like Jim beam. This chemo is supposedly less harsh then the others I have weathered and no hair loss.

Monday is the face to face consult with the radiation oncologist and my gynoncologist. This is where I will write things down and have my hubby there too. My oncologist is hopeful. Still I am not looking forward to this consult. I don't want to talk percentages of success,but I need to know because, ultimately, I get to decide if it's worth it. Is it worth the pain and physical suffering of treatment to hopefully stop this cancer that has been so aggressive and won't take no for an answer. How much will more treatment effect the quality of my life? Could this be the treatment that finally stops cancer? Questions that can't be answered. We are moving into the ethics portion of life here, I tearfully jest. I have spent a lot of today on the feeling roller coaster. So yes I have gotten used to cancer but it still is a hard road to keep traveling on.

On a more positive note, I have this amazing doctor that I think I have mentioned. He actually provides his patients with a direct email to contact him if needed. He said he has never had a patient abuse it. Anyway he is a neuro oncologist and he is helping me with my gimpy right leg. He gave me a new medication called Lyrica for nerve pain. The first night I took it I woke up and felt like a new woman. I could walk! I was healed! However, when I took my daily dose I felt like I was spinning. I was so dizzy I felt drunk. I was told this would subside in 3 weeks. I was too dizzy and opted to decrease the medicine first. Luckily I could email my doctor and discuss my side effect and he could email me how much I should take. I almost giggle in delight the ease of the communication. Really it is the small things in life.

I have been stuck inside the last few days due to the snow and cold weather. Thanks to my new medication I did have some fun in the snow with my family. The other good news is my doctors gave us the ok to take a vacation before I start treatment. So we got out our miles and booked a trip to Kauai, HI. We are are leaving in 10 days. My mom is coming with us to help and enjoy some sunshine. So I am hoping to get some healing sun from the garden island. There's our silver lining in the clouds.

*I chose the names for my cancer sites after two very important women. Henrietta Lacks the woman who unknown to her provided her cervical caner cells for research. They became the famous HeLa cells. HeLa cells are an immortal cell line used in clinical research. They were used to help create the polio vaccine. Florence is of course named after a tough fighter and helper, a public health nurse hero, Florence Nightingale. May their names give me strength and may the force be with me.

16 comments:

A Belly For Me, A Baby For You said...

I am crying of course. I don't know what to say, I want to fix this. I want you to be cancer free and get that phone call that says "it's negative!" I want you to keep fighting, keep trying, because you are still here, you are so strong. I am hoping to be working less soon, and being able to be a friend more. I will make the effort to be around for you. Playdate soon with our boys, and when you get back I will watch C so you and hubs can have a date night at your favorite Bellingham restaurant before treatment :) Is it strange to say I love you? Well I do.

TheEllenBee said...

Stranger here who found you ??? but sending positive vibes your way. Be strong mama and know that even strangers, who have never met you, do care :-)

Sandi said...

A hawaiin tan is going to look so good on you! And a few mai tais :) I can just picture you on the beach.

All my positive thoughts thru a few tears, are daily heading your way.

I'm always available to fold laundry, errands, playdate with C and my guys?

Lots of love honey.

Christina said...

I'm so glad you guys get to go to Hawaii- a good dose of that vit D in your body should help speed healing! Glad the lyrica is working a bit. I am trusting that God has a plan in all of this- and do believe that you will be healed- that He has an amazing plan for your future. Lots of prayers for you- I have my "flock" (it's like a fellowship group through church) praying too.

The Hutchings said...

That f**king sucks! I know that most of my friends are all "kum by ya" with their cancer. I could never really bring myself to feel "blessed" by it. I had a LONG 13 year struggle. But, life is good. I have survived and thrived. It IS possible. I think of you daily Sixela! XOXO Adria

Suzagnes said...

The air in Hawaii, I hear, is softer than the air here at home. Soft air, palm fronds making moving shadows on the sand, scented flower petals to delight the heart ... May the Force find a use for these sensual touches to infuse your spirit with the magic combination of endurance and acceptance. The ethical quandry is deep as you say. So are you, Mamacan.

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