Closing Time - Matchbox 20

Well today was results day. We have had so many " results" days. I am used to them but still get nervous, of course. I met with my gynoncologist. We knew the news wasn't good when the doctor comes in with the nurse coordinator. Shit. First she looks at my incision scar from last month and is impressed with the work from plastics. Then the unknown but "concerning" news was delivered. She said my PET/CT had 3 hot spots that are "concerning" to her and she would like to get biopsies from the sites and make a plan depending upon the results. Shit. So as usual I am learning about these shitty results while undressed from the waist down. After hearing the news I get to have a vaginal exam. Ooo lucky me. Ok, I do use sarcasm as a way to make light of the absurdity of life sometimes. I really am glad to have the care that I do and that my hubby is by my side through all of this. I am blessed to spend time with my amazing boy, my inspiration.

So let's take care of business, figure this out. Tomorrow, I will be at the hospital to get a biopsy of two of the three hot spots, they are in the pelvic area, right and left. I am waiting for an appointment with radiology to get the third hotspot removed which is in my left upper chest, where I just had surgery.

There is a possibility that all of these hotspots are not cancer and then I would be free for 8 weeks until my next scan. However, my track record has not been so good and my doctor is "concerned". The chances are high that this is cancer once more. If there is cancer in any of the sites my doctor will again, review my case at tumor board (All the docs conference about my case and make a group recommendation based on their expertise and the best practice science).

If there is cancer in my chest wall again, it is less concerning because it has not been radiated. There is still a chance to be "cured" and " treated". If there is cancer in my pelvis that is a bigger deal because it is less likely to be cured by western medicine treatments. So Friday I should have the results from my biopsy. Once the results are in, my doctor wants to have a "serious" conversation with me about my options. I think we are getting into treatment percentages of success not being that high and there is the whole quality of life piece too. Ugh, I am ready to talk about all the options and hear the doctors point of view and recommendations. I have to say I am happy that I don't have any cancer in any in my vital organs. I am still determined to do whatever it takes to survive and enjoy my life with my family.

Right now I feel it all: sad, relieved, scared, angry, irony, and love. After my appointment, I went out to dinner with my hubby, had a pomegranate martini and we cheered to love. We talked about some "what ifs" and laughed at the view of the strip mall from our restaurant window. Then we returned to my moms and there was my little 3 year old inspiration laughing and hiding in the closet. He jumped out, set up my mom's yoga mat and accidentally did a front flip and landed on his feet. We cheered in awe and he loved the attention. These are my little nuggets of bliss for today. I do have to say it was funny being told I may have cancer, again, while being undressed from the waist down. I guess it is a safety net for them, because I won't run crying and screaming through the halls without any pants. So stay tuned and please send love, prayers and healing juju as I know you all continue to do.