Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Upside Down- Donna Summer

Happy first day of summer, summer solstice, longest day of the year. So how come I have such a short fuse. I have a cold. My lungs hurt and my gut is still in disfunction. I feel tired and sick, maybe that is why. I feel like such a downer. Yeah, I am done with treatment and I still feel like dung. I am angry. It is not fair. I want to feel good. Quick, someone flip the I-am-done-with-treatment-switch to make it all better. If only there was a switch, a light switch. Turn on the light of "easy" please, am I asking too much?

I guess my expectations and reality are different. My attachment to feeling better is what is bringing me down. The reality, it is what it is. But my ego wants to fight. I want to fight every moment that I have had to lay on the couch, in my bed, in the hospital. I want to kick all that suffering in the groin. I want you (cancer) to pay for taking time way from me and my family. I want you to feel the pain I have felt. I want to punch your lights out cancer. I want you to get cancer, cancer, and feel like shit. I want you to have to worry day in and day out about taking care of your body. I want you to wait for weeks for a bad scan result. I want you to feel tired and grumpy for years.

It is all part of the process, my wise self pipes in. This has been a time of growth. A time where the beauty of humanity has been illuminated by all the suffering I have seen. The people in my life, my community have been a safety net for us. I have been blessed by compassionate and giving people in my life. My wise self knows that in some ways I am more alive now than I ever have been. Facing death I know my priorities. Right now, I am back in transition land, a place of uncertainty of what will happen next. It is to early too tell what the future holds. It is too early to really "do" anything. This place is where I have to hang out and be as I am. it's not easy.

To sum it up: fuck cancer and live in the moment. Well there is my bipolar rant for today. I feel better, still a little grumpy.

13 comments:

Jen said...

I'm glad that you have the courage to fight, my mom didn't take any treatment now she is gone. I had a dream of her last night and when I woke up this morning I had "Donna Summers Hopital" in my head. I googled it and now I am responding to you.God wants you to know that He loves and is with you. His healing is for today, I've known people who have been healed instantly. There are testimonies posted at ibethal.org the pastor is Bill Johnson out of Redding California. He has taken a stance against cancer and people go to his church from all over the world to get healed. They over prayer over skype and there are reports of healing. Stay strong e-mail journeystudio1@hotmail.com my name is jen

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