I am back on my game for now. Now one week of normalcy until chemo #6, the grand finale. Then I am done. Then what... This is my third experience with cancer treatment. I define cancer treatment as chemo or radiation that is experienced over a specific time period. Surgeries count too but the act of surgery is quick in comparison to treatment and the recovery is the work. So being that this is my third treatment, I have noticed some cyclical patterns. At the end of treatment and for a while after I enter my "PTSD" phase. Ok, I am being honest here. I am not a basket case. I am still myself but the feelings are heavier, the anxiety runs higher and it is as if I am dealing with a new level of the cancer ordeal.
When your facing treatment or in it, you are doing something, there is a plan. I am taking action against cancer by receiving chemotherapy. I am doing what I have to to be strong and get through, surviving. When you are in active treatment, oncologists are interested you and your treatment. When I have been in-between treaments, the oncologists are gone (except every 3 month follow-ups). There is no recovering-from-chemo-transition-into-normalcy, what-is-this -long-lasting-side-effect question answering Doctor. It comes down to navigating my own recovery, managing my anxiety about reoccurrence and figuring out my new post cancer treatment body.
Yes, it is a little scary. My track record for being cancer free hasn't lasted long in the past(hence the anxiety). So why am I sharing all this? Because this is my reality. I want this blog to be a place where I process and share this experience with honesty. I am excited to be finished with chemotherapy but it is not over. The PTSD feelings overwhelm me during this phase. The reality hits me, all the loss and the body that I live in is different than the one I spent 37 years knowing. I have a permanent colostomy, I am covered with scars, I have a new 87,000 dollar vagina (ok, I think that is kind of funny), I am bald. All in the name of cancer.
Yes, I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, there are people worse off then me. I am not complaining. Just trying to tell it like it is. The support I receive is amazing. I have resources to get the support I need, when I need it. I am a lucky person with a lame disease. So if I seem particularly neurotic, controlling, moody or inpatient (yo family) it's because of the PTSD phase. It will pass.
The moral of today's blog is be easy on yourself. A reoccurring theme that I always have to remind myself. Have compassion for yourself. How you treat yourself effects everyone else, it really it does.
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