What can you let yourself off the hook for?

Yesterday I was in a store shopping, my mom was outside watching my son. He was playing in the spray fountain. Three frogs and a turtle would randomly shoot water out of their open mouths. The anticipation was thrilling for my two and a half year old. He would giggle and jump waiting for the water to spray him. I was deep in the shop looking at dresses. I could hear his giggle and excitement in the back of the store. I couldn't help smiling. I couldn't help feeling proud hearing his authentic joy. That is my little guy enjoying this moment. He is present with the frogs and turtles. He is not worrying about how wet he will be when he gets in the car. He is not thinking about what he is going to eat for dinner. He is not thinking about anything else but about the water that is coming from the three frogs and a turtle. He is fully present. He is in the "flow".

We adults have to work hard, or shall I say "let go", to return to this child like state. Well most of us do. Being in "flow" is living in the moment. Its when time passes and you don't realize it. You are not listening to your inner critics. You are not filling your mind with shoulds. You are present with this moment. It doesn't have to be a joyful moment, it could be sad, exciting or dangerous. If we always lived in flow we would be a society of toddlers, not a good idea. Being in flow displays our authenticity. You are not trying to fit in. You are not trying to please someone. Pretension is gone. You are you in the moment. Judging is absent. You heart is receptive to others.

My toddler is my teacher. As an a adult I am happy when it is garbage day because the garbage is being taken away. For my little guy, garbage day is a day when this loud truck with blinking lights comes down our street. A man drives this giant eating machine that picks up big cans and dumps the contents into it's belly. He waves at the garbage man hoping that this powerful man who drives this incredible machine will wave back. His creativity has not been tainted by society. Looking at the world through the eyes of a toddler is inspiring. It is also exhausting.

I have been living in "the land of shoulds" lately, far from the flow. I want to live a full life, be present. I have been given a big warning. 2 years ago the fortune in my fortune cookie said, "life is precious. Here is a new life(your son) and here is a new journey(cancer), what will you do with these gifts?" answer: Be thankful, love, be vulnerable, be present, give back and last but not least be compassionate with self. Of course life is not all roses and lollipops, duh. The answer is what I try to attain. Some days I am so far from my answer. I put pressure on myself to live fully, that is kinda funny. Um, remember a few paragraphs ago? Let go live in flow.

Hey self, you are doing the best you can and that is fantastic. Summer vacation is almost here (last chemo in progress).I am ready for the four frogs and turtles to spray me. As my son would say, "oh yeeaaaahhhh".