It seems like I never learn. As humans we must be programed to forget pain. That is why women continue to have babies right? They go through the hard work and pain and are rewarded and then they heal and forget. It was only 3 weeks ago, my last chemo, I went through this exact process, and I still get annoyed and resist the pain. I let the discomfort get to me. I know it will pass but I still want to fight it while I am in it. I mean it's not like I get the reward of birthing a baby when I am through a round of chemo(ok that would be weird, and a lot of babies). I am trying to go back to the "we forget pain" idea. I just think that when I am "in it", I can't remember the good energy I just wrote about a week ago. Maybe we are programmed to forget pleasure too. Maybe I can pat myself on the back and say I am being present, right? Well, if I we truly present then I would accept my state and be wise in knowing it will pass. Oh how the psyche torments us, quit judging and analyzing. There I go again.
All I know is I am cranky and my family has to deal with my swinging moods. I think part of it is coming off the steroids. They get me going and then bring me down. If your going to the top of the mountain you eventually have to come back down to the valley. The goal of all this torture is to prolong life, quality of life and be cancer free. Is it worth it, hell yes! Is it torture, hell yes! Thank you family for your patience and understanding. Someday this will be a distant memory.
So I continue in the valley for the next couple of days. Let's expand the landscape in my valley, make it a little more fun. I would like to include some bubbling brooks, flowing waterfalls with pink lotuses floating about. My valley is filled with never-ending blossoming cherry trees. A mossy ground lush and fragrant of licorice mint. birds flying about, lots of hummingbirds. There's a wise old woman in white that doesn't speak but is present and nurturing. The weather is sunny and 74 with perfect humidity. There is a fainting couch made out of lambs ear plant surrounded by vibrant dahlias, my resting spot. Now that is cancer free living!
Meanwhile, my body evolves through another regeneration of life after chemotherapy. You are a tough body my friend. May gentleness fill your cells!
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