Breathe Me. -Sia

I am tired tonight. I decided to post a journal entry I made at the beginning of August, just a month and a half after my first round of Chemo and radiation treatment ended. It is a sad story, but one I needed to express. I still cry every time I read this. It actually sums up "my cancer story". Well, I am glad to be out of this stage of grieving, I know there is more to come, just continuing to ride the roller coaster of life. Hopefully I can spiritually evolve and suffer less- wouldn't that be great.

8/9/09
Who would have thought that life would turn out this way? Maybe I am being dramatic but I went to nursing school eight years ago to follow my passion for birth and women’s health. I learned everything I could about birth and preceded to find work in labor and delivery, teaching childbirth education and home visiting pregnant and new moms. I worked extremely hard to get my Lactation Consultant certification, which I am very proud to have completed. I loved to learn and share information about pregnancy and breastfeeding. It has been my career in nursing. I was excited to get pregnant and have my own experience with birth, breastfeeding and being a parent. I felt like I had the ultimate preparation.
For two years I tried to get pregnant and finally I did. It was my turn, to be the mom, to experience pregnancy, labor and delivery, and breastfeeding. I loved being pregnant, I threw-up every day for 7 months but it was so worth it. I felt so prepared. I felt confident and strong about what I wanted for my baby.
I was most excited to breastfeed. I couldn’t wait to experience breastfeeding. I have helped so many moms problem solve breastfeeding issues and I was waiting to see which areas would challenge me. In fact I was more concerned about my breastfeeding relationship than the birth experience. My plan was to breastfeed my baby at least two years. What a wonderful gift to feed your baby and sustain his life with the most perfect food that was meant for him. I loved breastfeeding my baby. The transition to breastfeeding was smooth aside from sore nipples, which resolved quickly. I experienced some engorgement and I knew to feed my baby frequently and that too resolved. My baby did not loose much weight and was back to birth weight before the two-week marker. He was healthy and ate well.
Around three months post partum I went to my midwife for a follow-up visit because she noticed some abnormal tissue on my cervix. I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. Of course this was one of the worst days of my life, if not the worst. How could this be happening to me I am only 37 years old and I have a new baby? Life is not fair; this was not what I had planned for my maternity leave. 10 days later I was getting a radical hysterectomy. I breastfed my baby prior to surgery, while in the hospital, and after the surgery. I had excellent support from the hospital lactation consultants. My initial plan was to room in with the baby but it was an unrealistic expectation, I was exhausted from the surgery and the baby needed a lot of attention. So my baby was in very good hands with grandma and grandpa for a few nights. The nights after my surgery, my husband would wake with me every 3 hours to help me pump and store my milk. The hospital staff would label and store my breast milk in the floor refrigerator. My baby would come during the day and breastfeed. Once home, I couldn’t lift my son for 6 weeks, I had to have help every day, all day. I was never alone. This was not part of my parenting plan. I spent a lot of time on the couch with my baby breastfeeding and sleeping on my lap.
Unfortunately, the doctors found some cancer cells in one little lymph node and I had to have radiation and chemotherapy. I knew my breastfeeding days were numbered and this was not my choice. How was I to survive chemo and radiation with a new baby but more importantly how was I to wean my baby from breastfeeding? I did not want this to happen. I pumped a lot of milk to feed him via bottle. I pumped every day. The last day I breastfed was the day before mothers day. I didn’t really know it was the last time I was going to breastfeed because I was decreasing the feedings and it just happened that way. I think it was better for me not to make a big deal over the end. I did continue to pump until the moment of my first Chemotherapy infusion. Life is just not fair sometimes. I continued to pump and slowly decrease my supply. There was hope that I could feed him again, but I did my research and knew that the leading expert recommended to stop breastfeeding because the medication could stay in my tissue for a long time.
The beautiful thing is my baby transitioned very well. He is easy and adaptable. I sure miss breastfeeding. I miss being able to feed my baby and how he would look up and smile at me. My breast milk is in the freezer. Some of it I have fed to my baby. When I look at those dated bags of breast milk, I think about my cancer. I had to give up so much and had no choice in the matter. I think about how I was trying to survive on 5/4/09 when I pumped 3 oz. and on 4/24 when I pumped 4 oz. I was doing what I could to make it last. I didn’t plan to give up breastfeeding or start menopause at 38. So right now that breast milk represents cancer to me: the Lactation Consultant, and promoter of breastfeeding. I just can’t bring myself to take it out of the freezer and feed it to my baby who has grown accustom to his “organic” formula. He sometimes rejects the breast milk (notice I use “the” and not “my”) and I cannot handle the rejection.
I don’t know what type of lesson I am meant to learn from all of this. I am just now experiencing the loss and sadness. In addition to everything, at work I was transferred to a different department and do not work with mother and babies anymore. Even my career is gone, for now. It is one loss after another. I am getting used to my new life but it still feels like I have lost so much that I can’t even begin to make sense of it. I know I am thankful for all the support and help I received through all of my treatment. I also have a baby that is healthy and happy. I have a wonderful family that loves my family and me.
Cancer treatment reminds me a little bit of an event-planning job I once had. There was all this build up, planning, hard work and then the big event. The event was exciting and stressful (however way more fun than cancer treatment). Afterwards I was exhausted and relieved but also kind of empty because it had occupied so much of my life and thoughts. I am glad to be finished with the treatment and so much stress but I feel sort of empty. Like what do I do now? My world has just been rocked and I am back to work and trying to sort things out in my head and in my body. Left to figure it out and make sense of a new life, which I did not choose. I hope it gets easier or at least funnier, as in silly ha-ha not ironic, as in more change.