Tuesday, June 28, 2011

One Moment in Time- Whitney Houston

So there I was in Target walking between the greeting card isle and the designer lotion isle. A smile came across my face, I had a moment of presence. I was watching people pass me with their carts. Picking up their essential and nonessential items. This was a moment of being normal. Just existing in American society.

In high school, I would not have shopped at target, because I was all about name brands. In college, I wouldn't have shopped at Target because I would be feeding the corporate machine adding to our consumeristic and wasteful culture. Now, today, I am happy to be out of the house. I am happy to participate in our culture, even if it is shopping at Target. I know it is not the most spiritually enriching activity. However today I felt like I was a normal person, not a cancer person. My energy was in the moment not tied up in guilt or judgement about shopping. It was a nice moment.

This Target moment was also about having some energy. I have been sick for the past 8 days and it has been rough. Lots of coughing and laryngitis. I have been silent for the better part of the last few days. My back is really hurting from all the coughing too. I finally got some antibiotics and feel better. I am still coughing like crazy at night but I think this cold will end. At work I am always writing about those that are at risk for various diseases. It is usually premature infants, pregnant women and immunocompromised. Let me tell you being an immune suppressed person can be the pits. This is a club you do not want to join.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Upside Down- Donna Summer

Happy first day of summer, summer solstice, longest day of the year. So how come I have such a short fuse. I have a cold. My lungs hurt and my gut is still in disfunction. I feel tired and sick, maybe that is why. I feel like such a downer. Yeah, I am done with treatment and I still feel like dung. I am angry. It is not fair. I want to feel good. Quick, someone flip the I-am-done-with-treatment-switch to make it all better. If only there was a switch, a light switch. Turn on the light of "easy" please, am I asking too much?

I guess my expectations and reality are different. My attachment to feeling better is what is bringing me down. The reality, it is what it is. But my ego wants to fight. I want to fight every moment that I have had to lay on the couch, in my bed, in the hospital. I want to kick all that suffering in the groin. I want you (cancer) to pay for taking time way from me and my family. I want you to feel the pain I have felt. I want to punch your lights out cancer. I want you to get cancer, cancer, and feel like shit. I want you to have to worry day in and day out about taking care of your body. I want you to wait for weeks for a bad scan result. I want you to feel tired and grumpy for years.

It is all part of the process, my wise self pipes in. This has been a time of growth. A time where the beauty of humanity has been illuminated by all the suffering I have seen. The people in my life, my community have been a safety net for us. I have been blessed by compassionate and giving people in my life. My wise self knows that in some ways I am more alive now than I ever have been. Facing death I know my priorities. Right now, I am back in transition land, a place of uncertainty of what will happen next. It is to early too tell what the future holds. It is too early to really "do" anything. This place is where I have to hang out and be as I am. it's not easy.

To sum it up: fuck cancer and live in the moment. Well there is my bipolar rant for today. I feel better, still a little grumpy.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I can't wait

What a lovely day. The sun is shining. My belly is gurgling and bubbling like a witches brew. I still feel like a drunk stuffed pig, despite exercise to get my body moving. It's just part of the process. There is no way I can speed up my recovery from chemo. My body takes the toll each time. The amazing thing is in just 2 days I will feel better. The base layer of fighter cells in my GI system will be renewed ready to fight. Until then it is an icky road. The steroid rebound.

I am thinking about my recovery road and how I want it to look. I know this peaceful down time will soon end. It will be swept up with work, family and household duties. Then there is never enough time, or so it seems. Finding balance, back to my theme of "it is enough". I want to keep it simple. Live life full and simple. I like my words of wisdom, so easy to write while I am lying in bed.

Ugh. I am impatient. Want to feel better, stupid cancer, I am so over it.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

It is enough

Continuing on the recovery train. Getting lots of sleep this time around, because I want to heal now. I am still puffy, bloated and feel like a drunk stuffed pig, because we all know how that feels. I have been resting and having help from my dad the past two days. It is so relaxing to know your home is being cleaned and organized while you are resting. Thank you Dad. I am lucky to have such a supportive family.

My mantra/words of wisdom today is: It is enough.

What is enough? Well, I see it like this, we all try so hard in so many ways to be heard or seen and do the right thing. I know I put a lot of pressure on myself to do the right thing as far as my health goes and I never meet my own standards. I am overwhelmed by the options. I am never sure which path to take. People spend their life looking for the "right" path to health or spiritual enlightenment. It is unrealistic that I will eat a "raw" diet. It is unrealistic that I will take 25 supplements a day. Some people do. The challenge is what if those measures are the best? How will I know? I won't?

Well it comes back to trusting my intuition and heart when it comes to my healing choices. I have to write about this topic again and again, I cant quite get over it or through it. So my message today is: it is enough. Whatever I am doing, not doing, it is enough. You have permission to have it be enough. No trying today. It is enough.

Sunday, June 12, 2011

Ring my Bell


Ringing the bell of chemo completion. I am done. I am home now feeling nauseous, tired, bloated and slow. Chemo at work, body taking the hit. Popping pills to prevent the symptoms. It is temporary and this to shall pass.

I am going to go to sleep and restore. Virtual hugs to all. May your suffering be minimal on this joyous day.

I am still trying to think of a mantra.
Trust peace
I am on the peace train. You and me Youssef or Cat.
The dog days are over
Now I am getting back into songs. Maybe that is appropriate.
Here is my mantra/song list:
Can't touch this- mc hammer
I am on the peace train- cat stevens
All we need is love-beatles
Dog days are over- Florence and...
Let it be-beatles
Chasing cars-snow patrol
Breathe Me-sia
One- u2
Just the way you are- Bruno mars

I could go on but I need to sleep now.
I am just 6 hours away from discharge. One more infusion tomorrow and then i am done! I can feel the steroid flush my cheeks. Hot red cheeks, round head, I am a human apple.

I am preparing for my recovery. I think I will be so impatient this time around. I want to feel better tomorrow. Cause I have epic shit to do! Well calm your jets sister. I am ready for energy and action. I don't want to be a patient I want to be a nurse. hah, there you go I am a "patient", waiting and peaceful. I want to be going and peaceful. I think I need to come up with a mantra to get me through.

Any ideas?

Saturday, June 11, 2011

Your Song - Elton John

Kaun Yin- godess of compassion

Motherhood initiation

A rite of passage takes an unexpected path
Falling down a rabbit hole, stuck in an evil wrath
Filled with beeps, poison elixirs and fear
Absent of play dates and talk of baby Gear

This will help, Here's your radical hysterectomy
All done, menopause and no more children for me
Breastfeeding ended on mother's day
Chemotherapy is now the needed way

daily trips to radiation
Who cares about a fucking diaper station
Surgery again, it just won't go away
I got a new $87,000 dollar vagina today

Scars decorate me from my crotch to chest 
Makes no difference when my baby lays on me to rest
Welcome colostomy to the cancer train
Filled with change, trauma and pain

Hello bald head honest and round
Playing trains with my boy on the ground
My spirit is strong and ready to win
This woman is dynamic and loves her kin

My body has been transformed by this disease
I am better, much more at ease
Despite my journey I am here and alive
My baby is a blessing and he is why I survive

Friday, June 10, 2011

What can you let yourself off the hook for?

Yesterday I was in a store shopping, my mom was outside watching my son. He was playing in the spray fountain. Three frogs and a turtle would randomly shoot water out of their open mouths. The anticipation was thrilling for my two and a half year old. He would giggle and jump waiting for the water to spray him. I was deep in the shop looking at dresses. I could hear his giggle and excitement in the back of the store. I couldn't help smiling. I couldn't help feeling proud hearing his authentic joy. That is my little guy enjoying this moment. He is present with the frogs and turtles. He is not worrying about how wet he will be when he gets in the car. He is not thinking about what he is going to eat for dinner. He is not thinking about anything else but about the water that is coming from the three frogs and a turtle. He is fully present. He is in the "flow".

We adults have to work hard, or shall I say "let go", to return to this child like state. Well most of us do. Being in "flow" is living in the moment. Its when time passes and you don't realize it. You are not listening to your inner critics. You are not filling your mind with shoulds. You are present with this moment. It doesn't have to be a joyful moment, it could be sad, exciting or dangerous. If we always lived in flow we would be a society of toddlers, not a good idea. Being in flow displays our authenticity. You are not trying to fit in. You are not trying to please someone. Pretension is gone. You are you in the moment. Judging is absent. You heart is receptive to others.

My toddler is my teacher. As an a adult I am happy when it is garbage day because the garbage is being taken away. For my little guy, garbage day is a day when this loud truck with blinking lights comes down our street. A man drives this giant eating machine that picks up big cans and dumps the contents into it's belly. He waves at the garbage man hoping that this powerful man who drives this incredible machine will wave back. His creativity has not been tainted by society. Looking at the world through the eyes of a toddler is inspiring. It is also exhausting.

I have been living in "the land of shoulds" lately, far from the flow. I want to live a full life, be present. I have been given a big warning. 2 years ago the fortune in my fortune cookie said, "life is precious. Here is a new life(your son) and here is a new journey(cancer), what will you do with these gifts?" answer: Be thankful, love, be vulnerable, be present, give back and last but not least be compassionate with self. Of course life is not all roses and lollipops, duh. The answer is what I try to attain. Some days I am so far from my answer. I put pressure on myself to live fully, that is kinda funny. Um, remember a few paragraphs ago? Let go live in flow.

Hey self, you are doing the best you can and that is fantastic. Summer vacation is almost here (last chemo in progress).I am ready for the four frogs and turtles to spray me. As my son would say, "oh yeeaaaahhhh".

Thursday, June 9, 2011

Hurry up and wait!

Today was supposed to be the first day of my last treatment, yeah! Well there is no bed available for me at the hospital. So tomorrow I am on the top of the list. Instead I get to enjoy the day with my son and mom. I am so used to things not going smoothly, my fathers didn't get to ruffled today. Now if I don't get in tomorrow, I will be annoyed. Well more update to come soon.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Hair today, more tomorrow!


Strange but true my hair started growing back midtreatment.


He loves my head!

With or Without You- U2

Not enough time in the day. I need to go to sleep. The "shoulds" are on my back again, thinking about the foods I should be eating. The sleep I should be getting. The time I should be spending with little C. This transition from chemo to recovery is a challenge. There are nine thousand ways to enhance healing and health. I feel like I have tried at least eight thousand of them over the past two years. Sifting through the options is a full time job. How do you decide what is going to help? Answer: I have to feel it in my heart. Sometimes listening is the hardest part.

By the way I saw the movie "I Am", it's very good, great documentary about us humans.Here's the trailer.
http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/iam/

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

5 regrets of the dying- Bronnie Ware

REGRETS OF THE DYING by Bronnie Ware, RN

For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.

People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.

When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:


1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.

It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.

 

2. I wish I didn't work so hard.

This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.

By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.

 

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.

We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.

 

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.

It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.

 

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice.  They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.

When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.

 

Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.

 

Where the Streets Have No Name- U2

I am back on my game for now. Now one week of normalcy until chemo #6, the grand finale. Then I am done. Then what... This is my third experience with cancer treatment. I define cancer treatment as chemo or radiation that is experienced over a specific time period. Surgeries count too but the act of surgery is quick in comparison to treatment and the recovery is the work. So being that this is my third treatment, I have noticed some cyclical patterns. At the end of treatment and for a while after I enter my "PTSD" phase. Ok, I am being honest here. I am not a basket case. I am still myself but the feelings are heavier, the anxiety runs higher and it is as if I am dealing with a new level of the cancer ordeal.

When your facing treatment or in it, you are doing something, there is a plan. I am taking action against cancer by receiving chemotherapy. I am doing what I have to to be strong and get through, surviving. When you are in active treatment, oncologists are interested you and your treatment. When I have been in-between treaments, the oncologists are gone (except every 3 month follow-ups). There is no recovering-from-chemo-transition-into-normalcy, what-is-this -long-lasting-side-effect question answering Doctor. It comes down to navigating my own recovery, managing my anxiety about reoccurrence and figuring out my new post cancer treatment body.

Yes, it is a little scary. My track record for being cancer free hasn't lasted long in the past(hence the anxiety). So why am I sharing all this? Because this is my reality. I want this blog to be a place where I process and share this experience with honesty. I am excited to be finished with chemotherapy but it is not over. The PTSD feelings overwhelm me during this phase. The reality hits me, all the loss and the body that I live in is different than the one I spent 37 years knowing. I have a permanent colostomy, I am covered with scars, I have a new 87,000 dollar vagina (ok, I think that is kind of funny), I am bald. All in the name of cancer.

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, there are people worse off then me. I am not complaining. Just trying to tell it like it is. The support I receive is amazing. I have resources to get the support I need, when I need it. I am a lucky person with a lame disease. So if I seem particularly neurotic, controlling, moody or inpatient (yo family) it's because of the PTSD phase. It will pass.

The moral of today's blog is be easy on yourself. A reoccurring theme that I always have to remind myself. Have compassion for yourself. How you treat yourself effects everyone else, it really it does.