Take on Me - Aha

Yesterday was bittersweet. I had the energy and the independence to drive from Bellingham to Seattle. I felt like I was on a road trip, listening to my music and looking a the stunning fall colors. I wanted to keep driving to some little town and go exploring. However my destination was back to the hospital clinic for a  consult with the Thoracic surgeon. Walking back into the doors of the hospital I felt sad. I was the patient, not the nurse, who would be helping others. Not giving information but getting information. I was the one who needs help.

During my consult I learn that my PET scan indicates that there are glowing cancer cells along my chest wall near my sternum. Removing it is not as easy as I had hoped. The moveable tumor below my scar will easily be removed but during my previous surgery, the doctor went between two of my ribs to remove the tumor in my lung and that part is glowing. So part of my ribs, cartlidge and sternum need to be removed. They will use some material, possibly gortex to recreate a "wall" and then a plastic surgeon will cover it with my pectorial muscle. So no outpatient procedure for me, 3-5 days in the hospital with a chest tube.

I scheduled it for Monday. Lets get it done. It is amazing that in one afternoon this procedure was actually coordinated. I will have the thoracic surgeon, his fellow, a plastic surgeon and a urologist working their magic on my frankenstein body. I am getting a stent for my kidney at the same time. I think I am an interesting case because the doc had never seen cancer come back like this, oh lucky me. The docs spent a lot of time looking at my chest and trying to figure out how they could cut and remold me, which was kind of bizarre.

I am truely becoming a bionic woman. I am nervous and disappointed to have to be hospitalized but I know I will be in good hands. I will continue to do what it takes to heal and appriciate the love I have in my life. As always I am grateful for all the prayers and healing thoughts. My body is changing but my spirit is strong. I have to believe that this is all part of a bigger plan and that I must be gaining some soul development through this journey. I surrender to the path.

Halloween exam

A plan is in place. I feel better knowing all my aches and pains have been addressed. Today was a bit surreal being Halloween. I went to the cancer center and people were wearing costumes, dressed as chickens, princesses, and i spotted a giant bag of M&M's on my way to the bathroom. I am a fan of halloween but waiting for my cancer prognosis while being helped by a chicken was a little funny. They also had a cellist playing in the lobby. She played very sad traditional songs. I felt like I was in a David Lynch movie. It was ironically funny.

My oncologist seemed pleased that my tumor was very movable so it's unlikely that it is grabbing on to my lungs. After my exam she also believed that there is no additional concern in my kidney area. Yeah. So I explained all my woes and as mentioned above a plan is in place.

First a stent for my kidney then remove the tumor. See a neurologist for my neuropathy and pain and try out a new blood pressure medication. Then some radiation to my chest and then some recovery. Continue physical therapy and When I am finished discuss a maintenance plan. My cancer is not at all textbook. It isn't fast growing but it seems to come back after three months after my last treatment.

I don't have a schedule yet. Everything is being processed and I am just waiting for phone calls. I am experimenting with some steroids for pain and atenolol for my BP. I am hoping they will counter act each other. So I will feel normal, not tired or amped up. Yes this is my life. I think it is kind of funny some days.

I am also dabbling in the world of logistics and disability income ect... I actually qualified for a disabled parking permit, so rock star parking for me. Ahhh the benefits of cancer.

I feel hopeful and blessed. In my appt. I shared a picture of Canyon, my motivation and inspiration. He deserves to have a mama and I will do what ever I can to be around. I wanted the docs to see my humaness. I am not just a person with cancer. I think they know, but my little guy is a good reminder.

Love is a Battlefield- Pat Benetar

Well the results are in. I spoke with my oncologist yesterday and the scan showed activity/cancer on my chest wall. This cancer is so weird. In January, I had a small tumor removed from my lung. This tumor is located right under the incision scar in my subcutaneous tissue. I can see it and feel it. I have a lump on my chest. It looks like it is trying to get out. I kept thinking that the doctor left a lap sponge or an instrument in there. A month ago I had a dream that I needed a second colostomy in that exact spot. My dreams told me. There was also some activity by my ureter but the doctor feels that is probably due to the hydronephrosis and not cancer. Monday I will have an exam and a plan will be discussed. A referral to a thoracic surgeon to remove the tumor and possibly some local radiation.

I feel relieved that it isn't something worse. I feel validated that my symptoms were telling me something was not right and that finally a doctor listened. (My scan was two weeks early). This cancer seems to have a reoccurring pattern. After 3-4 months post treatment something shows up. Can you believe it 4 times in less than 3 years. I can. Fighting this disease is becoming a way of life. It is crazy. Honestly, I have felt so bad over the past month I don't feel shocked or surprised. I am sad of course and so tired of stress and pain.

What saddens me the most is the stress and pain this brings to my family. I don't want them to worry or suffer. Of course I don't want to die either. I think with this diagnosis there is still hope. I can still beat this disease or if I have to coexist with it for a long long time I Will.

As always I am amazed by the support and love we have received. I am sure I will be calling on you all again for support. Stay tuned for the plan.

Two Tickets to Paradise- Eddie Money

Another day for you and me in paradise, sings Phil Collins. Is it? Or Is it all in ones perception how you view your day, month- Life? Are you living in paradise? I guess we all get to define what paradise is. Right now my paradise involves having lots of energy and being pain free. So I am not living in paradise. My paradise also includes a loving family- I guess I am in paradise.

Really I feel like I am living in a "gangstas paradise", walking at night in a cold city, not the kind of paradise where you are dancing in a field of wild flowers with the warm sun on your face. Is that my choice? Sometimes

How about "almost paradise" as sung by Loverboy in classic 80's hit movie Footloose .Almost paradise, how could we ask for more... I am asking for a lot more. Right now I feel more like my life is a rolling pair-o-dice not paradise. (yes, that was cheesy but it made me laugh and that was a little piece of paradise for me today.)

Sent from my iPhone

Freedom- George Michael

Time seems to be moving slow and fast at the same time. A new discovery or diagnosis has been made to add to my complicated patient profile. My blood pressure has been erratic but mostly stable ranging from 115/80 to 140/95. My pulse has been around 80-100.

Since my last post I saw 3 docs who all gave me different recommendations. Finally I was taken off all 3 bp meds and received 3 days of hydration at the short stay unit in the hospital (Sept 23rd). Still nauseous and throwing up, I made it through. My kidney labs were not so good and prompted a trip to get an ultrasound. The ultrasound indicated severe hydronephrosis of the right kidney. It's not working so well, so off to the urologist I go this Friday. My kidneys have been overworked. So now it mkes sense why my BP has been crazy. My BP is up a little as I described in the first paragraph. My doc said to start one of the BP meds again. I tried it, was nauseous and could not get out of bed, so I stopped taking it. What a mess.

Now I am waiting to learn about what kind of exiting procedure I may look forward to (i.e. A stent placed in my kidney through my ureter). I swear I must have been evil in a past life. To add to the story I continue to have chronic leg pain that is often debilitating.

I want to swear a lot because of the pain but am trying to be creative in my expression of my pain to add some ironic humor to my life and PG rating for the family. So yes if you listen closely that is me yelling in pain, Calico Cat! Mother Theresa! Bartles and James!

Thankfully everything is temporary and will change. Right now I have energy between 10-1 and the rest of the day I need to rest and deal with the pain. Wish me luck that this road will so veer off in a new direction that is smooth and easy.