Sunday, July 8, 2012

Pinball Wizard

I am the pinball wizard. How do I know this? I know it because whenever I try to type my hand shakes and jitter all over. I add letters and words and hit the send button way to early. I feel like I am playing pinball. In addition to my jitters, I get pain jolts down my right leg and into my foot, cling clang, double points, right. So I try to write the best I can on my phone. It drops and I push send, thankfully I can retrieve what I have written. I am out of control. I don't play a lot of pinball in real life. Using the crutches adds stress to my muscles. I feel a new lump in my lymph area in my neck. It could just be from using the crutches. Who knows? I am not that worried. I just let it roll on by. I wonder if my jitters are related to the cancer in my lower back that is near my nerves or my nerve medication? I am in Seattle right now and I have a plan for my treatment. It is moving fast, Tuesday I get my markers placed at Swedish under anesthesia via interventional radiology. Then on Wed or Thurs I am going to get a blood transfusion to up my hematocrit so I can feel a little more energized. On Friday, I will get a CT so my Doctor can make the Cyberknife plan. Then on the 17th I will start treatment. Cyberknife treatment will be daily for 7 days. It will be an hour each day. I will be done July 25th. Then after my treatment we will wait 6-8 weeks and I will get another PET/CT. Then my oncologist will start me on a low dose chemotherapy, that does not involve hair loss, once every three weeks. I hope this treatment will take my pinball wizardry jitters away. I hope I can walk again too. I want to be able to walk to the bathroom, not crawl. I want to go upstairs in my house. Most of all I want more energy to spend time with my son. I want to read him books but more than that I wish I could chase him in the park. I wish I could dance with him in the living room. I wish we could ride bikes together. I wish I could run with him and he could know that I used to run in races. That I ran half marathons. I want him to see me as athletic but he doesn't know me that way at least not now. I want him to see me training for a triathlon. He won't any time soon. I know I am moping over my losses. "they" say to focus on your wins not your losses. He loves me just the way I am but I know he wants me to chase him and pretend I am a race car. I so want to be physical with him but I can't. I am restricted in what I can do. Alright enough of my woes! The positive piece is that my treatment is starting soon. The potential for change is there. The hope is there. The love is there. The faith is there. The prayers are there. And my you are there with me.

Sent from my iPhone

7 comments:

Amy said...

I'm thinking good thoughts for you every day. Please call, or have Brandon, if any of you would like a distraction. We live close by and do lots of fun kid-stuff. : )

Keep on keeping on, lady!

Amy

Anonymous said...

Hope, positivity, and love are all here for you. I ma glad it is happening fast so you can begin to recover as quickly as possible. Thinking of you everyday. Phyllis

Cullen/Zurcher's said...

Remember it is a strong person who can feel sadness, weakness and pain and admit it. Feel it all and know that it is okay to be just who you are at this moment. You are the best you you can be. Remember you are surviving, you are doing the best you can and it is not your fault.

Love and light!

Heather

Jennell said...

We haven't met but we are connected through cancer. I was shopping at the salvage yard and met your husband. He recognized the cancer patient in me (I thought I was hiding it pretty well!) and we got to chatting. I'm going through treatment for breast cancer, have a husband and two young children, and own a small business on Lopez Island. Even though we don't know each other I think of you often, as I do all the cancer warriors I meet. There are too many of us. Blessings to you and your sweet family. We give each other strength in telling our stories.

Anonymous said...

You are in my prayers, you are brave and strong, I so admire your courage, keep the strength and fight.

Nancy A. Parkes said...

I am sending you prayers and energy so that you can have the energy to play with your beautiful son. Thank you for the gift of putting words to what others feel, but cannot express. Your mom is an old "Bonker" friend, and I "knew" you when you were very small. I read all your words and send hope. Nancy

Anna said...

Praying for you that the cyberknife does the trick. I want you to be able to hike in AZ!