I had my present moment Saturday, at the farmers market. It was sunny the sound of marimba music was in the background. I was picking 10 dahlia stems to take home. I was surrounded by brilliant colored dahlias, deep red, orange with pink tips, yellow, hot pink and peach. I felt so excited standing there deciding which dahlias to pick. Like a kid in a candy store. I at that moment took it all in and felt alive. I didn't notice my pain, my past or worry about my future, I was NOW.
This road I have been on is still quite bumpy. When I finished treatment I knew it would take time and that the side effects may be rough. Can I just say, fuck yeah, this is bullshit! Yes, I am impatient to get better but can't I get a break. I feel like I have been slowly tortured into insanity. The thought is that I had my big surgery about a year ago and I think I have some scar tissue pushing on my sciatic nerve down my right leg. The pain slowly gets worse. It hurts all the time! There is no comfortable position. Do you know how crazy it feels to always be uncomfortable? It takes a lot of energy just to function. I thought chemo was bad, it was but I knew it would end. So what are my options? I have some nerve medication that made me feel drunk til noon everyday. I asked for a lower dose and it seems to be helping at least every other day. I also take ibuprofen and dilaudid around the clock. In addition to my pain I know have 3 blood pressure medications that seem to work, thank goodness. However they make me dizzy and dehydrated. However, I was able to receive my infusion last Thursday which is a good thing. Am I a complainer, yes I am. I have had to hire some help because I cannot clean my own house or grocery shop due to the pain. When I have energy I want be with my family not dishes. I have been thinking a lot about the importance of quality of life, hmmm you think. have been trying to work too. It's been overwhelming dealing with my health. I have a plan that includes lots of body work. Our medical system has been a bear too. I have three different docs involved in my care and none of them talk, so I have to coordinate and interpret, thank you friends and family for helping me with this one. Okay I am done with my health rant. I appreciate my life now doubt about it, I would just like a little repose from the drama so I can go out with some friends and have fun or go out with my hubby. I will do my best cause I always try.
2 comments:
I read your comments on the Bond site and just finished reading a lot of your stories. I am holding you and your family in the light. Your positive attitude and strength are amazing. I am hoping the cancer is gone, not to return.
Thinking about you constantly Alexis! Hey, you know I'm only a few blocks away from your home and would be absolutely thrilled if you allowed me to catch you up on dishes or laundry or whatever... so you can get with your hubby and sweet lil boy out in the sunshine. Seriously, let me do it.
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