It's back to the same radiation treatment rooms, the same techs for the past 3 years. It's like a high school reunion. I must have received the most likely to receive radiation, again and again. 3 times now but a different area, my chest. This involves about 15 minutes of topless treatment. There are 2 rooms where I have a choice of looking at the beach or tulip fields as light panels. Yesterday I chose the inside of my eyelids.
It's hard to be back. I feel like all the positive visualizations and other mental exercises didn't work before. I can't walk well. I am one of them. I am just like all the hundreds of patients trying to make it and being beaten down by side effects and exhaustion. Cancer centers are not an upbeat venue. I wish...that in each waiting room there were themes. I would have liked a belly dancing theme yesterday. Like your in a restaurant but not sitting on pillows but über comfortable recliners will iced lemon water at our sides. The lights are dimmed and the dancers are quietly yet dynamically performing there traditional dance. Other waiting rooms would include piano music with a lady singer laying across the piano singing sultry medleys from Prince to lady gaga. My son recently saw the "senior steppers" at his school, one of the tap dancers was 94. Let's get them going on the 4th floor. I think the infusion waiting room could use a nice comedian. Someone who again uses musical medleys that include a few cancer jokes along the way. Mocktails should be served.
One can only dream. They should hire me to be the cruise director like Julie on the love boat. Why does it have to be so grim? Or the question is why do I have to bare witness to so much suffering at the center, of my family and friends?
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Back to reality. My first duty of the day was to get labs drawn. As walk back I seen a young man bent over a garbage can puking. I again felt that pain in the back of my throat. I usually get it right before I am going to cry. I just felt the overwhelming feeling that Cancer really sucks, as does treatment. I had this image from "Sixteen Candles". Over the top Hughes movie. The parents of a geeky teen drive him to the school dance push him through the door while he is kicking and screaming from the other side. Forcing the teen to be social. Well no one is physically pushing me through the cancer center doors to treatment. I know I am here to do my best to become cancer free especially for my 3 year old. But this time it's really fucking hard and I feel distressed like the geeky teenager mortified to participate in a socially whack teenage dance.
Like I said I am no different then everyone here. We all have or come from a family. We all believe we are making the best decisions for our health. We are all trying to make it.
I was in a fog most of the day. Felt like I was so tired or in pain or just uncomfortable. I finally got my mojo back around 5 after a nap, some food, steroids, chemo and Ativan I felt better. I am hoping steroids and or the chemo will help my pain in my right foot and leg.
Thank you Jill for sticking by me through thick and thin yesterday. I am so grateful for all the friends that are volunteering their time to help get me to all my appts for the next 4-5 weeks. It is getting easier asking for help. It's also an excuse to see friends I haven't seem in a long time. Also another way to show my vulnerability. Ahh that is just what I love to do is share with you all my weaknesses. I just don't have a choice anymore. Ok I admit it, "I need help."
I finally called social security to apply for assistance and lucky me I qualify for the compassionate assistance. This means the processing takes 1-2 months instead of 4-5. I tell ya there are some great benefits to being really "sick". I am applying for metro accessible services too. So stay tuned for the exciting unfolding drama of my life.
Thank you!
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