Breathe (2AM). -Anna Nalick

I am not into writing lately. I feel sad about the changes that are happening. Changes I did not plan on. Finley has only a week more a his child care that he loves. I only have a week more at my job which makes me feel productive in society. It is time for change. The most exciting change is going to Hawaii in a couple weeks. I am excited to sit on the beach and feel the warm sun on my skin. I can't wait to watch Finley play in the sand and hopefully enjoy the ocean water. It will be great. I just feel sad that I have to face 6 weeks of treatment again. I am trying to prepare this time in a different way. I am taking charge more of my healing. I am trying to balance my healing and my job as a mother. This is so hard because I want to be devoted entirely to my son but I have to take care of myself to heal. It is heartbreaking in some ways. I feel like I am not the mother I wanted to be. I am preoccupied with my health but I want to focus on being a mom instead. Intellectually I know that when I take care of myself I am more present for my son and husband. More quality less quantity, right? It is hard to let go of expectations of how I thought things would be as a mother. I am the poor mom with "cancer". Yes I am having a pity party right now. I guess I need to. It is hard to be where you are. I could write pages and pages about what I want but I know the truth is that I have right now. Right now, I am living in a wonderful home, with a loving husband and we have an amazing miracle child. Right now I am enjoying a quiet evening in my warm home with a candle burning and the baby sleeping. Right now, I am pain free and physically able to carry my 24 lb son and go on walks. Right now, I feeling sad, grateful and scared. Right now, I am noticing my breath and the stillness of the room.