So I must be feeling better because I didn't get to blogging yesterday. I do feel better. Still tired but not stuck in bed anymore. As far as lingering side effects I still have some lung issues, meaning they feel stiff and sometimes I feel out of breath. The feeling comes and goes. I have learned however that one of the chemotherapy agents has an affinity for the lungs. If I rest the symptoms disappear. Also, if I take a daily recommended dosage of selenium my lungs seem to feel better too.
It is a true puzzle this body of mine. It is interesting trying to regain health or heal, we all know there is no blanket prescription or remedy. However our bodies have so much in common as far as design, but when dis-ease sets in so does the mystery. How do I get my body back on track? Back to its innate nature of regulating itself to health. I have followed all the recommendations that have been prescribed by western medicine which I believe has been the right choice for me. I also know that it is not perfect. I sometimes feel like I am on the "slippery slope" of healing. My body has been traumatized over and over for almost two years. I am worn down. My body looks and feels different. I have lost some of my reserves and now I am on the "slippery slope" and need the medication to help my bone marrow produce more white blood cells to help with this cancer fight. I do not doubt my treatment but I want more. I want to build not just fight.
I want care that includes a path to become strong and healthy as well as kill the cancer. I want the whole f***ing enchilada. What I am asking for is holistic health not just complimentary medicine in addition to western medicine. Our current health system doesn't offer this in one package. I have to piece it together with a medical doctor, naturopath, acupuncturist, herbalist, therapist, and the list can go on. Creating this holistic package is one of my current jobs by going to appointments and piecing it all together. The question is how do I know what is right or not? I don't, but this is where, in addition to appointments, there's the research component, and the just try something new and see approach. What I am trying to do is balance all the recommendations. I am the only one who can coordinate the information and decide if it makes sense or not for my well being.
The other key ingredient to my puzzle is intuition. Trying to listen to my body and trusting my intuition. I have spent so much of my life working from my ego. If I want to do something than my determined spirit(ego) says, okay, you will do it. It has worked well for me in a lot of my life. It doesn't work so well when it comes to healing. My ego continues to feel invincible to everything and it doesn't pick up subtle messages. I am in intuition training. What does that look like? I don't know. So far it seems to be a lot of checking in with myself and my feelings in the moment. It seems to be more non-doing, less understanding and being okay with not knowing why. More surrendering. I would still love a complete how-to-heal list delivered to my doorstep. Maybe it is right in front of me but I won't know it until later. I guess I am working on building a mystery (there's the song for my post).
Last thought it is 11:30 at night and I should be sleeping and my ego won. I was determined to finish writing this entry, way to listen to my body self! Gotta love being human, right. And I am changing my blog song to "We Built this City" because it is one of the funniest songs I know and I think something light would go nicely with my deep thoughts on intuition.
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