Like a Prayer - Madonna

The word for the day is "Anticipation". I looked up the definition of anticipation and this one fits: visualization of a future event or state (upcoming chemo #2 this Thursday, Friday and Saturday). The second definition was appropriate too (pertaining to music): the early sounding of one or more tones of a succeeding chord to form a temporary dissonance (suggesting an unrelieved tension requiring resolution).

Anticipation set in today for what lies ahead. I am mentally adjusting to the fact that I am going to be down again, in pain and unavailable to my son. It seems so counter intuitive to take a medication that leaves you bed ridden for 5+ days. This time I know what to expect and have a few more prevention plans in place. However, there is still an element of fear and dread (ya, think). It is not in my nature to surrender my body to being out-of-it. I like to be in control. I mean don't we all? That's what my ego keeps telling me. Thanks for the support ego. Oh, also, I am not a fan of pain. We like comfort in our culture. We were raised to be comfortable. I value comfort.

The mind is a powerful tool and I am trying to change my perception of chemotherapy. I want to feel confidence and trust in the chemotherapy that it ultimately wants me to be healthy and is trying its best to help me, but is a little rough around the edges and is not perfect, like humans. We are not perfect, that is what makes us so interesting and human. Okay, so I will try to have compassion for the medications that are trying like hell to kill cancer cells. I imagine chemo being an over zealous house cleaner. It is trying so hard to do a good job, that it happens to clean the nooks and crannies that are not meant to be cleaned. Like using too much anti-bacterial hand soap when just plain soap is just fine.

So full of anticipation I will expect the best because the world is on my side. Quote for the day:

"There is a common misunderstanding among the human beings who have ever been born on earth that the best way to live is to try to avoid pain and just try to get comfortable. You see this even in insects and animals and birds. All of us are the some. A much more interesting, kind and joyful approach to life is to begin to develop our curiosity, not caring whether the object of our curiosity is bitter or sweet. To lead to a life that goes beyond pettiness and prejudice and always wanting to make sure that everything turns out on our own terms, to lead a more passionate, full, and delightful life than that, we must realize that we can endure a lot of pain and pleasure for the sake of finding out who we are and what this world is, how we tick and how our world ticks, how the whole thing just is. If we are committed to comfort at any cost, as soon as we come up against the least edge of pain, we’re going to run; we’ll never know what’s beyond that particular barrier or wall or fearful thing."
— Pema Chödrön