Today was full. There is no other description for this day. Full of life. Full of feeling. I left the house by myself for the first time in eight days or so. I woke up took a shower and made it to the Sangha Mamas group. A wonderful meditation/parenting group that I belong too. It was worth the effort. I didn't make it for the meditation but made it for the talk (the previous post link). It was just what I needed. The mothers of Sangha Mamas are amazing. They have come to my aid over and over and I feel so lucky. What a community. wow! I felt full of energy and life after the meeting. Then some fatigue set in and sadness about my current challenges. Then I read an inspirational email from a friend. I felt joy again. When I go out into the "real world" I see so many things that are not my life right now. It is hard not to feel the loss. I miss my chosen career. So here's a lesson in attachment to outcomes for you self. I feel like I have so many lessons that I can barely move through them sometimes. And sometimes I just want to say fuck the lessons already universe.
Today didn't feel like a roller coaster ride of emotion per say but more like riding waves while sitting in a kayak on a windy day. The titanic is long gone and now I am in shallow waters bobbing back and forth with the emotions of the day rolling up to my kayak. When there is a suffering wave there is also joy wave. Supposedly if you experience one than you experience the other. So my question is if you experience deep suffering then do you experience extreme joy? I think the answer is yes. What would be really great is if we could experience extreme joy for a long period of time after a long period of deep suffering. Okay self that is why people use drugs, its called a high. Alright, I am back on my kayak, life jacket is on and I am trying to ride the feeling waves without judgement of what each wave brings. I sound so with it, don't I. Well don't let it fool you because it still sucks some of the time, okay a lot of the time, to feel bad. I imagine this is even true for the the Dali Lama.
I wanted to share a poem that I wrote years ago before I was a mother and before my life was turned upside down with cancer. I was up early one morning having a coffee on a warm spring morning in our living room.
How lucky am I
to see the sunlight
dance with the tree
reflecting on the flat paint
of the living room wall
discs of light, shifting
fluttering, dancing
like sequins on a prom dress
full of anticipation
and excitement for what the future holds
How lucky I am.
I still feel lucky and blessed. I will finish this post with this bit of inspiration by Olivia Newton John:
And now
Open your eyes and see
What we have made is real
We are in Xanadu
Xanadu, your neon lights will shine for you, Xanadu
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