I feel like the last two years of my life I have been living in a Dr. Seuss book: very colorful, sometimes unbelievable, fun, nonsensical, sad, lovely and insane. As you all know my family has been on the cancer express train. Yes, we all face suffering in our lives. We just happened to get a huge dose of it in a short time. So that means that I’ve paid my dues, right? Oh the bargaining I’ve done. I don’t want to rehash the cancer stories but I want to share with you my gratitude and thanks. I have changed and you have helped my family with our healing journey.
I couldn’t have gotten through three bouts of cancer and won without Brandon, Canyon, my family, friends, co-workers, St Francis family and the greater Bellingham community. Cancer quickly reordered my priorities. Facing the big ugly fear of death really sucks. Again I am not writing to tell you about the suffering. I have gained some personal wisdom in effort to make sense of this disease. I don't want to forget it so here it is.
A top priority in my life now is “my people”. Who are “my people”? All of us, from my spouse and child to the lady in the grocery store scanning my items. You all are my people and the generosity we have been gifted reinforces my love for “my people.” Thank you.
Trying to be present. I do not have “control” over my life and I can’t change the past or know the future. I can be here and now. Having 2 year-old Canyon reminds me of the importance of being in the moment. This is a big challenge.
Feel it all. As much as I can I try to let the feelings flow. I may not recognize why I am feeling what I am but I try to have compassion for myself and just let it be what it is.
It is important to listen to my body. Try to be healthy, pay attention to my diet, exercise, and rest, decrease stress. But also enjoy a hot fudge Sunday every once in a while. Have compassion and love for the changes in my body. Not create more stress by obsessing about my health.
Finally, Life is too short to not wear sequins everyday! Have bling in your life. I have more confidence in myself and don’t care what people think. When in doubt it can’t hurt to ask. I try to let go and laugh at the absurdity of life. The opposite side of this fearless card is that I do feel big fears too, but don’t we all.
Thank you again for supporting my family. We have never felt more blessed. Your generosity has been unbelievable. I have been able to heal, to enjoy time with my family and not worry about the things I can/could not do.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Don't Be Shy - Cat Stevens
Having headaches, drug withdrawls I guess. I am tired and not 100%. I keep thinking that I am healed but this is a slow process and my body is telling me to slow down. I want to do it all. It is sad but I often feel a sense of urgency that I need to do it all right now. Must be a cancer/mortality thing. I have this awful sense that time is going to run out, that is depressing. Okay who needs to do some meditation/stress reduction activities. Yes, that would be me. I am ready to be done with recovery. I want to be normal but there is "no" normal. It is what it is right now. This is it and this is life. The ups and downs the boredom, sadness, excitement and blessings. I feel lucky yet sad. I am in limbo. I am not sick and bed ridden. I look normal and well but my body still hurts and I am still emotionally adjusting to my new body. Intellectually I know how to process but then there is still the feeling stuff. As we discussed in my book group. I am ATTACHED. I am attached to how I want my day to go, how I want my life to go. It is hard to let go and give it up, or at least be flexible to different outcomes.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
I have written a few times and not posted. So now it seems funny to post something from the past. I sometimes wish I could have written in my blog during my recovery from surgery but I didn't do it. A lot of the time I couldn't do it because I was too medicated and also it is not easy to type when you can't sit down. So I may start writing again.
I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.
On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.
After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.
Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.
I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.
Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.
I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.
On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.
After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.
Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.
I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.
Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
On and On - Jack Johnson
It is late and I have been told that getting adequate sleep can reduce your chance of getting cancer, or at least help you heal. Well I know it is an important one. Right up there with stress level. so I will make it short and sweet. As to not create to much internal stress by my lack of sleep. Oh you really can 't win. I guess I just have to live and not try so hard all the time. I forgive you self.
update: I completed my scan on Monday. The nurse called Tuesday and said that the preliminary report shows PET uptake in the area of the biopsies, where there are known cancer cells but NO WHERE ELSE. Yeah! so it is still local. In T- 14 days I will have a new ass and vag. That sounds totally crazy. The day of my scan I met the plastic surgeon who will be rebuilding the back side of my vag and perinieum. He was great. He answered all of my questions. He and his resident did an exam and were very impressed by my vag, because of all of the radiation I had they were surprised at how healthy she looked. This was the first time any doctor has said anything positive to me in a long time. So thank you for that.
next step: to Portland/OHSU for 2nd opinion then back to Seattle for a 3rd opinion. I am going to go listen to "my own healing island" now. Aloha
update: I completed my scan on Monday. The nurse called Tuesday and said that the preliminary report shows PET uptake in the area of the biopsies, where there are known cancer cells but NO WHERE ELSE. Yeah! so it is still local. In T- 14 days I will have a new ass and vag. That sounds totally crazy. The day of my scan I met the plastic surgeon who will be rebuilding the back side of my vag and perinieum. He was great. He answered all of my questions. He and his resident did an exam and were very impressed by my vag, because of all of the radiation I had they were surprised at how healthy she looked. This was the first time any doctor has said anything positive to me in a long time. So thank you for that.
next step: to Portland/OHSU for 2nd opinion then back to Seattle for a 3rd opinion. I am going to go listen to "my own healing island" now. Aloha
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