Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

I have written a few times and not posted. So now it seems funny to post something from the past. I sometimes wish I could have written in my blog during my recovery from surgery but I didn't do it. A lot of the time I couldn't do it because I was too medicated and also it is not easy to type when you can't sit down. So I may start writing again.

I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.

On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.

After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.

Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.

I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.

Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.