Like a Virgin - Madonna

I am not going to be out partying it up like I used to back in the day. In fact, I will probably never again party like I used to, at least with alcohol involved, sigh... I know it is unhealthy to drink but boy did I have fun times. The stories and partying experiences of my life have been fantastic. I remember drinking and dancing on the seats of a restaurant in Cairnes, Australia. Just pure energy of an entire room full of people dancing, it was awesome. I also have a fond memory of dancing with my peace corps pals in a random bar in Benin. Just dancing and singing together and then to return to an impromptu dip in a kitty pool we assembled in the library of the Peace Corps Office, ah drunken decisions. Maybe not the wisest choices but what fun memories I have. Singing Madonna Karaoke on National TV.

I physically cannot get my drink on anymore. The consequences of a night of drinking is just too much. Life is sure strange the roads you take and where you end up. So I get to continue to have crazy fun experiences without the help of liquid courage. Hmmm we will see how it goes.

Being that it is the end of the year and a time for reflection, I have been enjoying the questions of the reverb#10 project. A way to reflect on 2010 and set intention for 2011. It is a series of questions that are sent out everyday for the month of December. I am going to work on the questions here on my blog. One because it will be a good way to reflect and two I want to start writing more about who I am so my little guy will always now who his mama is.


December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

COMPASSION. I am choosing this one word because I had to work so hard this past year to be patient and compassionate with myself. My body went through hell and back and then hell and back again. Life was not as I expected it to be in 2010. I had a very tough road and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could with the hand that I was dealt. I am trying to heal and learn to live with my new normal.

EXPRESSION: In 2011 I want my word to be Expression! I want to sing out and let people know I am here and I am alive. I want to express my creativity and my passions. I want to play and laugh with my friends and family. I want to dance and express my joy of being healed. I want to express my feelings, thoughts and art with all.

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)
spending time on the Iphone searching and surfing. I can cut back but I doubt I can eliminate it.

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

My first walk outside after my surgery. It was a sunny fall day and no one was around. I walked out to the sidewalk and felt the sun shine on my face. I saw the apples on the trees and took a deep breath. I looked at the dahlias, specifically my favorite one which I call "pink Lemonade". It is pointy with yellow with pink tips. I felt very alive. I had been lying down for over 4 weeks and very weak. Everything was very vivid. Complete double rainbows to be exact.

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

Living with a toddler. Just observing the wonder and amazement of his learning is WONDERful. He is fascinated by everything. I am fascinated by him. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you.

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

I let go of a lot of expectations of how I thought my life would be. I let go of a lot almost too much to write about without getting completely depressed. I let go of the need to understand. I let go of the need to be right. I let go of parts of my body. I let go of tying so hard. I let go of worrying about the small things. I let go of needing to be together all the time. I let go. I let go some of my youth- physically. I let go of my self, my identity. I let go of caring very much what people think. WHY? Well that silly cancer had something to do with it. Good bye cancer. I let go of cancer, all done. (I am signing it too).

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

Last thing I made was gingerbread cookies. I used cookie dough that I bought at Great Harvest Bread because I wanted christmas cookies. I would like to make a quilt again and I would like to do some collage and make a vision board or some soul collage cards.

December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

I have been blessed to join the community Sangha Mamas which has given my support and strength. I have also found that our larger community is amazing. People have been so supportive and helpful over the past year. I feel so blessed by community. I would like to add more expressive and fun activities to my life. I would like to join an improv group again.

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)

I am beautifully different because I have a positive attitude and am hopeful. I am willing to put myself out there and look stupid. I am silly. I like to sing-a-long with apps on my iphone. I have an amazing scar across my body that is super hot! I want to be present. I try to listen to others and ask questions. I believe in people. I have no shame about what I like.

December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)

It wasn't a party but a concert. We went to see angelique kidjo and it was as always amazing. She rocked my socks off. Felt one with people. There was a lot of singing and dancing. She includes everyone at her show. I was in the middle of treatment so felt like shit. However I felt for that night that Benin existed and my life in peace corps did happen. I felt transported to a happier tim in my life when I was healthy and exploring the world. I was with my husband and we rushed the stage together and watched all people at the concert.

Frosty the Snowman

Happy New Year. A time for reflection and intentions for the new year. I have a lot to be thankful for. 2010 was a year of change once again. 3 years in a row now. I think it is time for some stability and peace in our family. Actually some mundane routine sounds very appealing. Here are my 2010 Christmas poems:


My gift of Christmas Spirit

You better watch out and you’re welcome to cry
My Christmas spirit is ready to fly
My spirit says, yes, its time to celebrate!
The lights are shining and I don’t know my fate
It is time to give and receive
It is time to surrender and believe
Take a deep breath and look around
It is time, Santa is comin’ to town!


Ode to Frosty the Snowman

Frosty knows how to live
He knows the sun will shine
and that he will melt away
so what dose he do?
He doesn’t spend time worrying about when that sunny day will come
He doesn’t stress over his career or making his mark in the world
He doesn’t lament about those he will leave behind
He dances, sings and plays with children
He lives life to the fullest with the time he has
He is present, in the moment
Frosty is my buddha

I am ready for 2011. I welcome peace and love. I am ready to laugh really hard, be creative and have some kick ass good times. Watch out

Oh the Places You'll go- Dr. Seuss

I feel like the last two years of my life I have been living in a Dr. Seuss book: very colorful, sometimes unbelievable, fun, nonsensical, sad, lovely and insane. As you all know my family has been on the cancer express train. Yes, we all face suffering in our lives. We just happened to get a huge dose of it in a short time. So that means that I’ve paid my dues, right? Oh the bargaining I’ve done. I don’t want to rehash the cancer stories but I want to share with you my gratitude and thanks. I have changed and you have helped my family with our healing journey.

I couldn’t have gotten through three bouts of cancer and won without Brandon, Canyon, my family, friends, co-workers, St Francis family and the greater Bellingham community. Cancer quickly reordered my priorities. Facing the big ugly fear of death really sucks. Again I am not writing to tell you about the suffering. I have gained some personal wisdom in effort to make sense of this disease. I don't want to forget it so here it is.

A top priority in my life now is “my people”. Who are “my people”? All of us, from my spouse and child to the lady in the grocery store scanning my items. You all are my people and the generosity we have been gifted reinforces my love for “my people.” Thank you.

Trying to be present. I do not have “control” over my life and I can’t change the past or know the future. I can be here and now. Having 2 year-old Canyon reminds me of the importance of being in the moment. This is a big challenge.

Feel it all. As much as I can I try to let the feelings flow. I may not recognize why I am feeling what I am but I try to have compassion for myself and just let it be what it is.

It is important to listen to my body. Try to be healthy, pay attention to my diet, exercise, and rest, decrease stress. But also enjoy a hot fudge Sunday every once in a while. Have compassion and love for the changes in my body. Not create more stress by obsessing about my health.

Finally, Life is too short to not wear sequins everyday! Have bling in your life. I have more confidence in myself and don’t care what people think. When in doubt it can’t hurt to ask. I try to let go and laugh at the absurdity of life. The opposite side of this fearless card is that I do feel big fears too, but don’t we all.

Thank you again for supporting my family. We have never felt more blessed. Your generosity has been unbelievable. I have been able to heal, to enjoy time with my family and not worry about the things I can/could not do.

Don't Be Shy - Cat Stevens

Having headaches, drug withdrawls I guess. I am tired and not 100%. I keep thinking that I am healed but this is a slow process and my body is telling me to slow down. I want to do it all. It is sad but I often feel a sense of urgency that I need to do it all right now. Must be a cancer/mortality thing. I have this awful sense that time is going to run out, that is depressing. Okay who needs to do some meditation/stress reduction activities. Yes, that would be me. I am ready to be done with recovery. I want to be normal but there is "no" normal. It is what it is right now. This is it and this is life. The ups and downs the boredom, sadness, excitement and blessings. I feel lucky yet sad. I am in limbo. I am not sick and bed ridden. I look normal and well but my body still hurts and I am still emotionally adjusting to my new body. Intellectually I know how to process but then there is still the feeling stuff. As we discussed in my book group. I am ATTACHED. I am attached to how I want my day to go, how I want my life to go. It is hard to let go and give it up, or at least be flexible to different outcomes.

Don't Stop Believin' - Journey

I have written a few times and not posted. So now it seems funny to post something from the past. I sometimes wish I could have written in my blog during my recovery from surgery but I didn't do it. A lot of the time I couldn't do it because I was too medicated and also it is not easy to type when you can't sit down. So I may start writing again.

I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.

On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.

After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.

Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.

I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.

Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.