Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Don't Be Shy - Cat Stevens
Having headaches, drug withdrawls I guess. I am tired and not 100%. I keep thinking that I am healed but this is a slow process and my body is telling me to slow down. I want to do it all. It is sad but I often feel a sense of urgency that I need to do it all right now. Must be a cancer/mortality thing. I have this awful sense that time is going to run out, that is depressing. Okay who needs to do some meditation/stress reduction activities. Yes, that would be me. I am ready to be done with recovery. I want to be normal but there is "no" normal. It is what it is right now. This is it and this is life. The ups and downs the boredom, sadness, excitement and blessings. I feel lucky yet sad. I am in limbo. I am not sick and bed ridden. I look normal and well but my body still hurts and I am still emotionally adjusting to my new body. Intellectually I know how to process but then there is still the feeling stuff. As we discussed in my book group. I am ATTACHED. I am attached to how I want my day to go, how I want my life to go. It is hard to let go and give it up, or at least be flexible to different outcomes.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Don't Stop Believin' - Journey
I have written a few times and not posted. So now it seems funny to post something from the past. I sometimes wish I could have written in my blog during my recovery from surgery but I didn't do it. A lot of the time I couldn't do it because I was too medicated and also it is not easy to type when you can't sit down. So I may start writing again.
I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.
On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.
After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.
Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.
I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.
Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.
I am in awe of my community, the giving nature of friends, family and strangers. I feel so blessed and thankful. Cancer sucks but it has given me faith in people. (here is where I get spiritual), I believe that we are all connected and what we do makes a difference to all of us. So the more compassion and giving we are the more others benefit from it, including ourselves. I know that life is about loving my people and experiencing life with them.
On the subject of faith, during the month prior to my surgery, I look back now and see the stress and pain I was going through. My hair was falling out and I was losing weight all due to stress and probably some chronic pain issues too. It was my job to decide if this major life changing surgery was the "right" thing to do. I contacted everyone I knew that could give me recommendations, tips, or advice. I not only got a second opinion but a third and fourth. I realized that this is my LIFE we are talking about and if I was going to go through with the surgery than I better well be damned sure that it was the right choice in my head and more importantly in my heart.
After many conversations with friends, family, doctors, fellow cancer fighters, I felt that getting the surgery was the right choice for me. Having the surgery was my best chance for a cure. When it was time for my surgery I wanted it bad. I wanted the cancer to be gone, I wanted the pain in my ass to be gone. I was ready.
Now that I am 6 weeks post surgery I am cancer free and the pain I have is "recovery pain", more importantly temporary pain. I do have a scar from my arm pit to my girl parts and a colostomy. My chance at being a Victoria Secret model is gone forever. I lost 20 lbs but have gained back 7 lbs and am on the mend. My body is different. I am trying to be patient with myself. I have always been a little vain about my looks and want to be a stylish lady. But really the important thing is my spirit is the same. Some days I am very sad about the changes in my body. Maybe this is similar to aging woes. Who knows. But when I see my bikini in my drawer I feel sad that I will never wear it again. Then the other side of me says thank God I am alive.
I could go on in on about loss but why. It will come as it comes. I was listening to Pema Chodron and she explained a kind of Tibetan meditation called Tonglen. When I was facing a lot of pain before my surgery I would often think of Tonglen. When I felt the pain I would breathe in all the pain of those who have ever felt pain from cancer and then release my breathe with peace. It reminded me that I am not alone. We all have suffering and pain and I am trying to release it/move through it for myself and all those with pain. Bring on the peace.
Now I am really rambling. Bottom line is I am thankful, we are not alone and love your people. Oh and singing is really good medicine too.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
On and On - Jack Johnson
It is late and I have been told that getting adequate sleep can reduce your chance of getting cancer, or at least help you heal. Well I know it is an important one. Right up there with stress level. so I will make it short and sweet. As to not create to much internal stress by my lack of sleep. Oh you really can 't win. I guess I just have to live and not try so hard all the time. I forgive you self.
update: I completed my scan on Monday. The nurse called Tuesday and said that the preliminary report shows PET uptake in the area of the biopsies, where there are known cancer cells but NO WHERE ELSE. Yeah! so it is still local. In T- 14 days I will have a new ass and vag. That sounds totally crazy. The day of my scan I met the plastic surgeon who will be rebuilding the back side of my vag and perinieum. He was great. He answered all of my questions. He and his resident did an exam and were very impressed by my vag, because of all of the radiation I had they were surprised at how healthy she looked. This was the first time any doctor has said anything positive to me in a long time. So thank you for that.
next step: to Portland/OHSU for 2nd opinion then back to Seattle for a 3rd opinion. I am going to go listen to "my own healing island" now. Aloha
update: I completed my scan on Monday. The nurse called Tuesday and said that the preliminary report shows PET uptake in the area of the biopsies, where there are known cancer cells but NO WHERE ELSE. Yeah! so it is still local. In T- 14 days I will have a new ass and vag. That sounds totally crazy. The day of my scan I met the plastic surgeon who will be rebuilding the back side of my vag and perinieum. He was great. He answered all of my questions. He and his resident did an exam and were very impressed by my vag, because of all of the radiation I had they were surprised at how healthy she looked. This was the first time any doctor has said anything positive to me in a long time. So thank you for that.
next step: to Portland/OHSU for 2nd opinion then back to Seattle for a 3rd opinion. I am going to go listen to "my own healing island" now. Aloha
Saturday, August 7, 2010
Help- The Beatles
You all have been supporting me through this cancer journey/ordeal/insanity that started back in March 2009. Thank you. Brandon and I are thankful to have such wonderful friends in our life.
I am sorry to say that we have a new hurdle in our path. I had multiple biopsies taken last week and some came back positive for cancer. They are the same cancer cells from my primary cancer. Those bastards will not die. Even my oncologist was shocked with the results. The cells are still pretty microscopic at this point and are literally a pain in my ASS. This situation is total bullshit and all I want to say is FUCK cancer. There, said it.
My oncologist said it can be cured. The "cure" is a major surgery to cut out the cancer which is now in my rectum. I will have to live with a colostomy for the rest of my life. This treatment is only done if they can pretty much guarantee a cure.
My next step is to get another PET/CT scan to verify the cancer is not anywhere else in my body. This seems unlikely because I had a clear scan just 2 months ago. I am also going to see an ass specialist, to see if he can save my ass. And get another opinion about treatment options.
As you can imagine this pretty much sucks and B and I are riding a roller coaster of emotions daily. My surgery is scheduled for September 7th at U of W. I will be in the hospital at least 7 days then recovering for 6+ weeks up in Bellingham.
We definitely need some help through this one. It is pretty scary right now. I am thinking of ways that friends and family can help. I am working on a list to make this life change easier on us. Most of all I request that you send healing thoughts, prayers and positive energy our way. I am at the point in this insanity to just ask for what I need and not feel the least bit guilty. So here it is.
Here is my list so far:
suggestions for funny stories, videos, books
suggestions for inspiring books or videos
suggestions for healing books, videos ect..
meal train once we return to bellingham- someone who can coordinate this via email
prayers and positive energy
recommendation of practioners that can help with the healing process (i.e. massage, acupuncture, energy healing)
house cleaning
picking-up Canyon after child care (while I am on weight restriction)
helping me with Canyon before Brandon gets home from work
Help with Canyon some Saturdays (Brandon works those days)
Man-dates for Brandon- get him out to have fun and enjoy some friend time.
Play dates for Canyon
gardening
grocery shopping
visiting me during recovery
letting me laugh or cry on your shoulder
Someone go see Hall N Oates for me at the Puyallup fair (I bought tickets but won't be able to go)
Maybe to go out dancing or karoke before surgery
I am also considering an impromptu good bye party for my ass before the surgery. I know this sounds random but why not. I need to have fun too. FYI I am also open to hearing all butt jokes.
And remember I will be the most beautiful girl you will ever know with a colostomy and fuck cancer.
I am sorry to say that we have a new hurdle in our path. I had multiple biopsies taken last week and some came back positive for cancer. They are the same cancer cells from my primary cancer. Those bastards will not die. Even my oncologist was shocked with the results. The cells are still pretty microscopic at this point and are literally a pain in my ASS. This situation is total bullshit and all I want to say is FUCK cancer. There, said it.
My oncologist said it can be cured. The "cure" is a major surgery to cut out the cancer which is now in my rectum. I will have to live with a colostomy for the rest of my life. This treatment is only done if they can pretty much guarantee a cure.
My next step is to get another PET/CT scan to verify the cancer is not anywhere else in my body. This seems unlikely because I had a clear scan just 2 months ago. I am also going to see an ass specialist, to see if he can save my ass. And get another opinion about treatment options.
As you can imagine this pretty much sucks and B and I are riding a roller coaster of emotions daily. My surgery is scheduled for September 7th at U of W. I will be in the hospital at least 7 days then recovering for 6+ weeks up in Bellingham.
We definitely need some help through this one. It is pretty scary right now. I am thinking of ways that friends and family can help. I am working on a list to make this life change easier on us. Most of all I request that you send healing thoughts, prayers and positive energy our way. I am at the point in this insanity to just ask for what I need and not feel the least bit guilty. So here it is.
Here is my list so far:
suggestions for funny stories, videos, books
suggestions for inspiring books or videos
suggestions for healing books, videos ect..
meal train once we return to bellingham- someone who can coordinate this via email
prayers and positive energy
recommendation of practioners that can help with the healing process (i.e. massage, acupuncture, energy healing)
house cleaning
picking-up Canyon after child care (while I am on weight restriction)
helping me with Canyon before Brandon gets home from work
Help with Canyon some Saturdays (Brandon works those days)
Man-dates for Brandon- get him out to have fun and enjoy some friend time.
Play dates for Canyon
gardening
grocery shopping
visiting me during recovery
letting me laugh or cry on your shoulder
Someone go see Hall N Oates for me at the Puyallup fair (I bought tickets but won't be able to go)
Maybe to go out dancing or karoke before surgery
I am also considering an impromptu good bye party for my ass before the surgery. I know this sounds random but why not. I need to have fun too. FYI I am also open to hearing all butt jokes.
And remember I will be the most beautiful girl you will ever know with a colostomy and fuck cancer.
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