As the sun shines, I am watching the people walk by my open window. Listening to the college kids play croquet in their yard across the street. I am confined to the uncomfortable seat of my couch. A short lumpy couch that doesn't allow me to straighten out even if i do straighten out the pain increases. It is a no win situation. I feel stuck. I feel the cancer controlling my body especially my legs. My left upper thigh throbs and rips as the day ends. My right foot buzzes a numb sensation as the day progresses. I am waiting my turn. I am waiting for the approval of my insurance to give the treatment I need. I need the insurance to approve the cyber knife so things can move forward. My pain is progressing. Everyday I am holding my breath feeling the pain shoot up my back and down my thighs and calfs, and into my right foot. I take pain medicine all day and all night. I drift off and on all day and try to sleep at night. Sometimes the pain is so intense that there is nothing to relieve the pain. I use crutches to get around and wobble with uncertainty. My legs are filled with edema. My body has been messed with so many times that my lymph system doesn't work well. So my legs are swollen and not interested in deflating. I feel heavy and awkward. I have gained weight. However the weight I have gained is mostly in my legs. I am stuck and I can't do much. I am teary often because of pain and my lack of ability to do much. I am scared. The pain is real and ever present. I just want the pain to end. I am ready for the next step in my life. I want to feel freedom from the pain. I want to know what I can do. I see the apple tree branches blowing in the wind, effortlessly dancing. How can I be the dancing apple tree branches while I am in chronic pain that is seldom relieved?
How can I turn my attitude around? The pain keeps me contracted. My body is tight, my face and my emotions are bound. I want a release from this state. The pain is so present that I can't imagine touching it in any way shape or form to relieve it. Please Lord give me strength and grace to move through this pain. Please let this pain be temporary. I pray for strength. I pray for peace. I pray for change. I know this may sound depressing or sad, it just is what it is.
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6 comments:
I know a few things. They may bring you comfort or not. I hope it's the former. Suffering is real. It is also ALWAYS temporary even when it seems endless. I know that God loves you very much. Even though you may not feel this, you are blessed because you have shared in the fellowship of His suffering. I know that God is merciful and hears your cries for change and will answer you. Slip into His arms. He will hold you and comfort you and renew your life...breathe in the breath of God.
I don't think anybody can top the first comment! So true.
Alexis, I fractured my wrist about a month ago. It was a simple fracture that turned into a serious fracture do to poor medical care....so I just had surgery and I'm recovering. In the midst of my own whining, I am in absolute awe of your strength and positive attitude! You are my new hero. :)
Oh Alexis- no words- just prayers- I'm begging God over and over again to bring you complete healing, relief from pain and that you will feel His presence and peace with you in the midst of your darkest times.
Alexis- I think of you and send healing thoughts to you. You continue to be the warrior woman in my eyes. Most of us only know pain in small doses, not the marathon that you endure. I'm holding you in my thoughts in a state of peace and relaxation, able to enjoy the day with your family.
No words, I can't imagine how you are doing it. I'm sending you as much healing juju and "white light" as we say in our house. Hugs.
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