Fiduciary placement

My fiducials have been placed. I am one step closer to Cyberknife treatment. I have come to like the word "Fiducial". A fiducial is a marker or placement. I forgot to ask if these markers are gold like the other ones. This was another routine experience prepping to be put out by a medical team I don't know. They were friendly but it still didn't kill the sting of not wanting to do another medical procedure. I felt my vulnerability peak when the nurse innocently asked, "so when did this all start for you?" I replied, " a little over three years ago." she responded, " oh you poor thing". The tears welled in my eyes. I felt sad and angry. I wanted her to stop talking about it. I wanted to be done dealing with all the procedures. The pain that tortured me every day. The rules like, waiting to eat, to drink and to take certain medications. On the way to the hospital I had to pee but I couldn't because it hurt. It was a new game of torture and pain. Dehydration was causing pain and I was feeling bad. I just wanted to stop playing by the rules. I wanted to feel better. My foot is numb with 3 blisters and leaking due to the overswelling in my foot.

My little guy is coming to see me tonight. I am excited and scared. I hope I have energy to be present for him. I hope l can love him fully despite my pain. I will do all I can to be there for him. I hope I can be present for my husband too. For his exhaustion from single parenting. There are multiple roles we are playing to keep it together. I just hope my son knows we do it for love. Someday he will know. To get to the bathroom on crutches is painful and a race against the bladder. Who will win? Me or my bladder. Here we go... I won.

All I can do is watch bad TV. I like the distraction. I want to avoid the pain. My boys are here. I love them so much. I here that angelic voice and smile ear to ear


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