Let It Be - The Beatles

I wait and I wait. My mind doesn't want to know. I had surgery Monday. The plan was to remove a slightly "enlarged" lymph node near my heart but a small nodule was removed from my lung instead. That is all I know. My recovery from the "same-day" surgery has been quick. Unfortunately right after my surgery I loaded up with pain meds and anti-nausea meds and ended up in the "hole" for 5 hours. The "hole" is where I couldn't see straight. My eyes and ears couldn't regulate and I peed my pants. I am sensitive to meds. I should know that by now. Finally after 5 hours in the PACU I got in a wheel chair and made it home. I was out of the hole by 11:30 at night and I ate a bowl of soup and felt almost normal. So that was Monday and now it's Friday. The waiting is cruel. The longer I wait the more I convince myself all must be well. The old standard "no news is good news". Usually my Oncologist calls within a few days. Since it is Friday I forced myself to call the oncologist to find out my results, I can't wait through the weekend. However, I like living in Limbo. It is a place where I don't have to face anything bad or good. I don't have to think about my life being turned upside down. I have not had a good track record with results. So far every time I have a biopsy or surgery they find cancer. It is time for me to get some good news. I bargain, I pray and even beg to be cancer free and then usually I surrender to spirits/God, try to trust my path. I just want a break from this path. I want to move on and follow a path of peace and mundane. The bottom line is I have no control over this but it dictates how my life will unfold. If I have cancer I will have to decide. I will have to make more life and death decisions without knowing the outcome. I will have to tell all the loved ones in my life. I have come to believe in miracles through this process. I believe that I must trust what ever I am presented (most days, some days it just sucks and I am sad, pissed and feel like shit).

I called the nurses and they are not in and my oncologist was gone to a conference. So I will not get the pathology report this week because of a conference. So now I can't chalk it up to "no news is good news", damn it. I have to tell myself over and over, it is what it is. So, Alexis I am telling you again. It is what it is. But I tell you what I choose to live and be positive through this bullshit because I get to choose that. Cancer beware if you are still in my body I have news for you. I am choosing to heal. And note to doctors don't make patients wait over a week to get results. Cancer doesn't effect just me but my family, my friends, my work the whole enchilada.