The week from....,

Well finally recovering from biopsy 1&2 and I get a call today that they have an opening for my radiology guided biopsy of my chest, tomorrow. So, YES, I am headed back to the hospital tomorrow for another outpatient procedure. This should take about 6 hours and I will have conscious sedation. My procedure is at 1:00. I am hoping to go back to Bellingham Friday. I am ready to have a medical break before it becomes a medical breakdown. At least I am getting this all done quickly. Calgon take me away!

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Recovery

Biopsy 1 and 2 done. I am in bed at my mom's house. It was pretty quick as far as outpatient surgery goes. I checked in at 9:45 went back to prep at 10:00 and in surgery by 12:15 recovered and out the door by 3:45. It seems long but it was quick for a 30 minute surgery. The bad news is that the mass on the left which is the size of a thumb nail is cancerous. So no matter what some treatment plan will be recommended. So I am looking at possibly more radiation and chemotherapy. I am also looking at the reality of this disease continuing indefinitely. I am tired of this journey and have to consider my quality of life when the treatment recommendations are presented. I want to try and do everything in my power to be here for my sweet boy. Friday I will know the results from the right sided biopsy and I have not scheduled the chest biopsy. Today I am off to see the neurologist about my leg. I can't walk much but my pain is better.thank you all for your continued prayers.

Closing Time - Matchbox 20

Well today was results day. We have had so many " results" days. I am used to them but still get nervous, of course. I met with my gynoncologist. We knew the news wasn't good when the doctor comes in with the nurse coordinator. Shit. First she looks at my incision scar from last month and is impressed with the work from plastics. Then the unknown but "concerning" news was delivered. She said my PET/CT had 3 hot spots that are "concerning" to her and she would like to get biopsies from the sites and make a plan depending upon the results. Shit. So as usual I am learning about these shitty results while undressed from the waist down. After hearing the news I get to have a vaginal exam. Ooo lucky me. Ok, I do use sarcasm as a way to make light of the absurdity of life sometimes. I really am glad to have the care that I do and that my hubby is by my side through all of this. I am blessed to spend time with my amazing boy, my inspiration.

So let's take care of business, figure this out. Tomorrow, I will be at the hospital to get a biopsy of two of the three hot spots, they are in the pelvic area, right and left. I am waiting for an appointment with radiology to get the third hotspot removed which is in my left upper chest, where I just had surgery.

There is a possibility that all of these hotspots are not cancer and then I would be free for 8 weeks until my next scan. However, my track record has not been so good and my doctor is "concerned". The chances are high that this is cancer once more. If there is cancer in any of the sites my doctor will again, review my case at tumor board (All the docs conference about my case and make a group recommendation based on their expertise and the best practice science).

If there is cancer in my chest wall again, it is less concerning because it has not been radiated. There is still a chance to be "cured" and " treated". If there is cancer in my pelvis that is a bigger deal because it is less likely to be cured by western medicine treatments. So Friday I should have the results from my biopsy. Once the results are in, my doctor wants to have a "serious" conversation with me about my options. I think we are getting into treatment percentages of success not being that high and there is the whole quality of life piece too. Ugh, I am ready to talk about all the options and hear the doctors point of view and recommendations. I have to say I am happy that I don't have any cancer in any in my vital organs. I am still determined to do whatever it takes to survive and enjoy my life with my family.

Right now I feel it all: sad, relieved, scared, angry, irony, and love. After my appointment, I went out to dinner with my hubby, had a pomegranate martini and we cheered to love. We talked about some "what ifs" and laughed at the view of the strip mall from our restaurant window. Then we returned to my moms and there was my little 3 year old inspiration laughing and hiding in the closet. He jumped out, set up my mom's yoga mat and accidentally did a front flip and landed on his feet. We cheered in awe and he loved the attention. These are my little nuggets of bliss for today. I do have to say it was funny being told I may have cancer, again, while being undressed from the waist down. I guess it is a safety net for them, because I won't run crying and screaming through the halls without any pants. So stay tuned and please send love, prayers and healing juju as I know you all continue to do.

It's 2012! A new year. A time for new beginnings. Also a time for reflection and new year resolutions if you dare. I looked back at the word I chose to begin 2011 with and it was "expression". I think that that word rang true for my year. I continued to spill my guts to anyone who was interested in reading my blog. As we all know the trend of my last 3 years have included my buddy ole pal, cancer. We have grown quite close over the past 3 years. each year gets more challenging in our life dance. Last year was the most difficult dance yet, a tango samba with a Krumping finale, translation: treatment was no cake walk and more surgeries to add to my list and some chronic pain left overs. I can say I am cancer free and I can at least say that for 9 more days. I'll take everyday I can get!

Today has been fantastic. I have been slowly dismantling the Christmas tree, My son, playing with his collection of hot wheels and listening to classic 80's pandora. Hubby is working on some project. Everyone is in a good mood and occasionally I stop to "make a car or bird talk", Canyon's favorite activity. I also take time to do a little living room karaoke if a good song comes on. Eye of the tiger made it into my repertoire, using a rook of paper towels as my guitar or microphone. Canyon was a little bothered by mama being so weird I think.

January 5 is my next PET/CT scan with the hopes that there is no visible cancer lighting up in my body. I will get the tests January 9th and a plan of either monitor or attack. Of course not knowing a plan as we have been so used to is still sucky. We will have some form of a timeline and hope to squeeze in a vacation this winter. I will be in Seattle for a week also having more follow-ups with the thoracic surgeon, and neurology oncologist. The neurologist has given me a little more faith in the medical system. He actually replied to an email within 8 hours the day after Christmas. That was a Christmas present. We are trying to get my pain managed. He upped my fentanyl patch from 25mcg to 50. After 4 days I realized it was too much, I kept falling asleep all day, not fun. So I stopped that and am still figuring it out. I did have some fun Christmas shopping experiences with a wheel chair, but I still haven't used the Amigo carts.

Again I was blown away by the generosity and motivation of my coworkers. They put together a bake/craft sale that was amazing and generously gave me all the proceeds and then some generous anonymous co-worker matched funds! Talk about the spirit of giving. I so appreciate it! I have been getting bodywork 2x a week and have been able to cut down on my oral pain medication and have noticed a difference, which is so rewarding. Thank you all so much, over and over I am reminded of how blessed I am!

I have seen a trend so far in my cancer. It seems to go away with extreme surgery and is absent during treatments but at the 3 month mark it seems to come back, or at least it has done this 3 times. Luckily it has been small solid tumors and hasn't effected any organs. So what to do, what to do? Try to enjoy every moment.

I actually made it out to the Prince concert with my girlfriends from high school. We saw Prince in 1984 at the same venue and we were back in 2011. I made it through the concert but had to hobble out leaning on my friends on the way out.people thought I hurt myself at the concert. It was kinda funny. You really have no clue what people are going through on face value.

I want to pick a word for 2012. It feels a little easier than resolutions. Anyhow I have learned expecting certain outcomes doesn't always work. Yesterday I made it to the park with my hubby and son. I got to watch them play. We also happened to be at the finish line of a marathon. Sometimes i feel sad when I see races because I miss being able to run. Now I would be happy just being able to walk pain free. Anyhow, I thought about looking at what I have instead of what I don't. It comes back to Attitude. So that is my 2012 word "attitude". It is something I can control.

So here I come 2012. I plan to live a long long time dear cancer. I have so many people on my side that just the energy alone that we create has more power to heal than any drug you encounter. Blessings to all this 2012.

Winter Wonderland - Various Singers of Christmas Music

When I don't write it is usually a good sign that I am feeling better. I have been lucky to have family here helping for the last two weeks while I recover from surgery. Last Wednesday I had an epic day in Seattle. I had a chest X-ray an appointment with the thoracic team, plastics and the radiation oncologist. Thankfully, it was a day of good news. I am healing well. I was given permission to drive, sit in the front of the car and use my arms as needed, still no lifting my 36 lb boy, but that is ok. The best news was that the margins of my surgery we're microscopically clear. So when we we're seeing the radiation oncologist we were pleasantly surprised that the recommendation was NO radiation! I was thrilled. I was preparing for another round of at least two weeks of radiation. I felt like I could exhale. Doctor appointments are so exhausting mainly because of the emotional roller coaster and all of the waiting.

Ahhh, so what's next. I have this hope that we can have a family vacation and I can just rest and avoid doctor appointments for a while. Focus on getting my leg pain resolved.

Monday I had an appointment with my neurology oncologist, he is in charge of helping me with my nerve pain and neuropathy. So I had an MRI to rule out a tumor and the results were good, no tumor. The diagnosis he gave me was scarring from radiation. Specifically injury to the small blood vessels which have irritated my nerves. That is why my right foot is partly numb. The numbness has also taken over the back of my right thigh. I have started on a fentanyl patch and he has increased the dose to try to cover the pain. It's hard to walk and I have a lot of deep bone pain, it drives me crazy. I am now the lady riding in the wheel chair at shopping stores. I haven't gained enough gumption to drive a scooter/amigo yet, but I am sure I will. The problem is I have to try to keep my leg strong so I don't want to get to used to walking aids. Getting dressed is challenging for me. I continue to be reminded how much we take for granted as able bodied people. My leg pain is the most challenging part of my daily life. There doesn't seem to be an easy fix answer. Just manage the chronic pain. I believe the body work that I have been doing will help. I think that the complementary medicine approach will be where I find possibilities for healing. I never thought I would have so much pain or trouble walking due to a side effect. However my body has been to hell and back a lot in a short amount of time.

The next step is getting another PET/CT. This is scheduled January, 5th. Hopefully it will be clear and I will be cancer free. My oncologist is conservative and that has been a good thing since this cancer has been so aggressive. So through the holidays I am doctor free and feel decent.

Tomorrow I am going to the amazing fund raiser my coworkers have organized. I am excited and nervous. I feel so lucky and blessed. I am enjoying the holidays to the fullest. I love christmas and had help to decorate my house. I have been enjoying Christmas lights and music everyday. My little guy is turning 3 in four days and I am here to celebrate.

Well my pain is ramping up so I can't concentrate very well. Unfortunately my pain is worse when I am laying down.

With exploding gratitude, thank you all who are making this journey a little easier for me and my family. Even sending a positive thought makes a difference. You are awesome.