Rock with you. I always claimed this song as my perfect "date" song. It is smooth and relaxing. I imagined a candle lit room with some wine (even though I don't like wine too much). Okay maybe a mixed drink. I imagined sitting on a heart shaped bed or maybe a couch with a fake animal fur blanket. Really a scene from a cheesy movie. Hmmmm, It kinda feels like life is sometimes different scenes from movies. Maybe I have just watched too many movies. I love the escape of a movie wether on dvd or in the theatre it takes you away for 2 hours into another life. It lets you feel what the characters are feeling and with a visual story as well. Lately I have been enjoying the worst comedy movies I can find. I don't even watch the whole movie just parts of them to get a laugh. I watched bits of "The Love Guru" and "undercover brother". They are one star movies but they are simple and funny. I guess that is what I need. Okay back to the date song.
So the romantic days of being young, in love and excited for what may ensue has taken a back seat in my life. But I have to say the other night my husband and I had "a night out" which by parenting definition is an hour and a half to ourselves. We went out looking for something fun to do on a friday night. We ended in the lounge of Pepper Sisters eating some desert. Classic tunes from the 70's were playing and low and behold, I want to Rock with you, sweetly flowed throughout the room. I couldn't help singing along and swaying to the groove. This turned into hubby and I singing various Bee Gee songs and filming ourselves (with the iphone) in the restaurant having our own personal karaoke party.
So my perfect date song had a different outcome than I imagined. There were no heart shaped pillows or tall flutes of champagne. I was with my dearest love and we were singing in public and didn't care about what anyone thought. It wasn't about the setting it was about the person. It was spontaneity at its finest. It was our love and committment to each other. It was our compatitble sense of humor. It was our freedom from parenting. It was our creative expression with each other. It was "we don't have to talk about pain, cancer and daily chores" for a moment. We were present together listening to my perfect "date song". So now I can say I have had my perfect date.
So I have a same day surgery next week to remove and enlarged lymph node with metabolic activity that is next to my heart. It was found on my scan. I am here to tell you, cancer my teacher, that I have a heart that is so full of love that it may have enlarged a lymph node. Also, I do not need you to visit that lymph node. If you are there you can leave. I am also letting you know that I am prepared for whatever outcome I must face. I believe that I am healthy no matter what is found in my body. I am strong and trust my life path.
Monday, January 17, 2011
Saturday, January 1, 2011
#Reverb10 continued
December 10 – Wisdom. What was the wisest decision you made this year, and how did it play out? (Author: Susannah Conway)
Well I have to say when faced with a life changing surgery I got a 2nd 3rd and 4th opinion. I spent a lot of time getting opinions about my options. When the time came to get the surgery I was confident and ready in my choice to get the surgery. I decided my life was worth the effort and time. I called it operation "save my ass". Well, I am cancer free thanks to the surgery and in 2 days I have my first PET/CT. I really can't imagine there are any cancer cells left in my body. I just believe that I am healed and that the past 2 years are just that, past.
December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)
1. cancer 2. bad attitude 3. extra stuff 4. piles 5. extra stress 6. to over worry 7. to rehash old pain 8. pain 9. lack of physical strength 10. to be self-critical 11. anger
Well a lot of these I don't have control over and can't eliminate them completely. I can work on decreasing the possibilities of all of the items. I can eliminate extra stuff. clean house give away and purge. It is always a good feeling. Also more meditation could help with some of the mind garbage.
December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)
Well so much of my year has been focused on my body and getting the cancer out of it. I feel like it has been a "mind" journey too. This is a tough one for me because I have fallen out of trust with my body in many ways. I do not know what it can and can't do all the time. I know that I have a strong spirit that lives within this body I have been given in this life and that is beyond my body and mind. When I think about my being I know that is me. I continue to try to respect and give thanks to the body that I have and all the trauma it has endured. I want to reward it and exercise again some day. I want to jog/walk again in a race. No more marathons but just baby steps and see where I can go. You never know what is possible right!
December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)
What is my next step. Not to live scan to scan. I have so much I want to do and experience. I feel in one sense I need to be patient and listen to my body. My mind says lets go lets get this life started lady. The ball is in my court, now I have to initiate. This can be a challenge. I have fear and some self-conscious tendencies but hey why not try. What can I loose? My next step is to invite some ladies over for a game night. My next step is to apply for graduate school. My next step is to go on a 15 minute walk every day. My next step is collage and quilt again. My next step is to take my son to the park.
December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)
I appreciate my life, my family, my son, friends and the time that I have to be me on this planet. I try to tell all thank you and spend time with those I love. I try to be present in as many moments as possible and notice how amazing life is just now. I feel my feelings fully. I try to be gentle and forgiving with myself. I try to be the best that I can be for my family. I also appreciate the laughs I have with my husband and child. No one can make me laugh harder than my hubby. I also like to express gratitude by singing because it feels good and nurtures my spirit. I love to cuddle with my son and feel his warmth and head rest on my shoulder. Thank you life.
December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)
Canyons first trip to Hawaii. Canyon's first sentences. Canyon's excitement on Christmas morning. Canyon singing songs and dancing a lot. Rocking Canyon in the rocking chair after baths and singing together. His need to tap his knee when it is time to sing thumpity thump thump for frosty. He learned to give hugs and kisses. I finally got rid of the cancer in my body. The strength I had to go through treatment and surgery. The support I received from my friends and family. pushing canyon on the tractor 4 blocks without a problem for me physically. sangha mamas. womens support group. an amazing 900 lights on my christmas tree.
December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)
I lack a little bit in this area. I have to say in general my friends from childhood have been solid and I feel I need to pay more attention to the value of these friends. I did have an "aha" moment when a new friend said that by not sharing who you are, you are cheating yourself of being you. You are not fully healing. This was in a support group situation but I think in general, it is important to be honest and true to yourself is what I gained from this comment. we only have one conscious life right now so why would you short change it? why sabotage it?
December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)
I learned that I have a tremendous amount of strength when faced with adversity. I learned the importance for filling my energy stores and not spending it all without refueling on energy. I think I will move forward in a more balanced thoughtful way in my life. I will be more mindful of my choices.
December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)
I would like to apply for school and go running. I couldn't do those things this past year. Next year I want to play more with friends, go out dancing. I want to build more relationships with friends in my life. I would like to do a 5k.
December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
what healed me this year? I am working on it. I have been fighting to heal. It has been a slow as molasis evolution. Mostly friends, family and self searching has brought me healing. I would like to be healed from cancer with clear scans all year. I would like to have my energy back and walk/run a 5k. I would like to emotionally feel at peace. I would like to take a deep breath and relax.
December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)
initiate more social outings, establish more friendships. trauma won this year. will I do it in 2011. that is the plan.
December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)
Enjoy it and live it fully, you will make it! Do everything you want to do, start now. Take care of yourself, please be gentle with your soul and find a passion that brings you joy.
December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt) {Future Tool: New Year’s Goal Questions for No-Goals Creatives from Jeffrey Davis. For the next 10 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you [...]
December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott) {Future tool: Chris Guillebeau’s How to Conduct Your Own Annual Review. For the next 9 days as you round out [...]
I don't know. I don't really care about a new name. I would probably pick a name that is odd or slightly offensive to see the reaction that I may get/push some boundaries.
December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis) {Future tool: Gwen Bell – How to Create Your Personal Manifesto. For the next 8 days as you [...]
Well the first moment that comes to mind is post- surgery we got all the cancer. moment #2 last thursday at the local mexican restaurant with family- laughing and telling stories. Impromptu ice smashing fun. the word LIGHT comes to mind. For the year ahead- more LIGHT and more LAUGHTER.
December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]
family picture day, December 11th 2010. This was taken the same spot my hubby took a picture of me three years ago when I was pregnant with my little guy. What a road it has been. I see a wiser and confident soul in me. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. It is just me, yup. A little posed but recovered and made it through the trauma and I am still here. Watch out world.
Well I have to say when faced with a life changing surgery I got a 2nd 3rd and 4th opinion. I spent a lot of time getting opinions about my options. When the time came to get the surgery I was confident and ready in my choice to get the surgery. I decided my life was worth the effort and time. I called it operation "save my ass". Well, I am cancer free thanks to the surgery and in 2 days I have my first PET/CT. I really can't imagine there are any cancer cells left in my body. I just believe that I am healed and that the past 2 years are just that, past.
December 11 – 11 Things. What are 11 things your life doesn’t need in 2011? How will you go about eliminating them? How will getting rid of these 11 things change your life? (Author: Sam Davidson)
1. cancer 2. bad attitude 3. extra stuff 4. piles 5. extra stress 6. to over worry 7. to rehash old pain 8. pain 9. lack of physical strength 10. to be self-critical 11. anger
Well a lot of these I don't have control over and can't eliminate them completely. I can work on decreasing the possibilities of all of the items. I can eliminate extra stuff. clean house give away and purge. It is always a good feeling. Also more meditation could help with some of the mind garbage.
December 12 – Body Integration. This year, when did you feel the most integrated with your body? Did you have a moment where there wasn’t mind and body, but simply a cohesive YOU, alive and present? (Author: Patrick Reynolds)
Well so much of my year has been focused on my body and getting the cancer out of it. I feel like it has been a "mind" journey too. This is a tough one for me because I have fallen out of trust with my body in many ways. I do not know what it can and can't do all the time. I know that I have a strong spirit that lives within this body I have been given in this life and that is beyond my body and mind. When I think about my being I know that is me. I continue to try to respect and give thanks to the body that I have and all the trauma it has endured. I want to reward it and exercise again some day. I want to jog/walk again in a race. No more marathons but just baby steps and see where I can go. You never know what is possible right!
December 13 – Action. When it comes to aspirations, it’s not about ideas. It’s about making ideas happen. What’s your next step? (Author: Scott Belsky)
What is my next step. Not to live scan to scan. I have so much I want to do and experience. I feel in one sense I need to be patient and listen to my body. My mind says lets go lets get this life started lady. The ball is in my court, now I have to initiate. This can be a challenge. I have fear and some self-conscious tendencies but hey why not try. What can I loose? My next step is to invite some ladies over for a game night. My next step is to apply for graduate school. My next step is to go on a 15 minute walk every day. My next step is collage and quilt again. My next step is to take my son to the park.
December 14 – Appreciate. What’s the one thing you have come to appreciate most in the past year? How do you express gratitude for it? (Author: Victoria Klein)
I appreciate my life, my family, my son, friends and the time that I have to be me on this planet. I try to tell all thank you and spend time with those I love. I try to be present in as many moments as possible and notice how amazing life is just now. I feel my feelings fully. I try to be gentle and forgiving with myself. I try to be the best that I can be for my family. I also appreciate the laughs I have with my husband and child. No one can make me laugh harder than my hubby. I also like to express gratitude by singing because it feels good and nurtures my spirit. I love to cuddle with my son and feel his warmth and head rest on my shoulder. Thank you life.
December 15 – 5 Minutes. Imagine you will completely lose your memory of 2010 in five minutes. Set an alarm for five minutes and capture the things you most want to remember about 2010. (Author: Patti Digh)
Canyons first trip to Hawaii. Canyon's first sentences. Canyon's excitement on Christmas morning. Canyon singing songs and dancing a lot. Rocking Canyon in the rocking chair after baths and singing together. His need to tap his knee when it is time to sing thumpity thump thump for frosty. He learned to give hugs and kisses. I finally got rid of the cancer in my body. The strength I had to go through treatment and surgery. The support I received from my friends and family. pushing canyon on the tractor 4 blocks without a problem for me physically. sangha mamas. womens support group. an amazing 900 lights on my christmas tree.
December 16 – Friendship. How has a friend changed you or your perspective on the world this year? Was this change gradual, or a sudden burst? (Author: Martha Mihalick)
I lack a little bit in this area. I have to say in general my friends from childhood have been solid and I feel I need to pay more attention to the value of these friends. I did have an "aha" moment when a new friend said that by not sharing who you are, you are cheating yourself of being you. You are not fully healing. This was in a support group situation but I think in general, it is important to be honest and true to yourself is what I gained from this comment. we only have one conscious life right now so why would you short change it? why sabotage it?
December 17 – Lesson Learned. What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward? (Author: Tara Weaver)
I learned that I have a tremendous amount of strength when faced with adversity. I learned the importance for filling my energy stores and not spending it all without refueling on energy. I think I will move forward in a more balanced thoughtful way in my life. I will be more mindful of my choices.
December 18 – Try. What do you want to try next year? Is there something you wanted to try in 2010? What happened when you did / didn’t go for it? (Author: Kaileen Elise)
I would like to apply for school and go running. I couldn't do those things this past year. Next year I want to play more with friends, go out dancing. I want to build more relationships with friends in my life. I would like to do a 5k.
December 19 – Healing. What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011? (Author: Leonie Allan)
what healed me this year? I am working on it. I have been fighting to heal. It has been a slow as molasis evolution. Mostly friends, family and self searching has brought me healing. I would like to be healed from cancer with clear scans all year. I would like to have my energy back and walk/run a 5k. I would like to emotionally feel at peace. I would like to take a deep breath and relax.
December 20 – Beyond Avoidance. What should you have done this year but didn’t because you were too scared, worried, unsure, busy or otherwise deterred from doing? (Bonus: Will you do it?) (Author: Jake Nickell)
initiate more social outings, establish more friendships. trauma won this year. will I do it in 2011. that is the plan.
December 21 – Future Self. Imagine yourself five years from now. What advice would you give your current self for the year ahead? (Bonus: Write a note to yourself 10 years ago. What would you tell your younger self?) (Author: Jenny Blake)
Enjoy it and live it fully, you will make it! Do everything you want to do, start now. Take care of yourself, please be gentle with your soul and find a passion that brings you joy.
December 22 – Travel How did you travel in 2010? How and/or where would you like to travel next year? (Author: Tara Hunt) {Future Tool: New Year’s Goal Questions for No-Goals Creatives from Jeffrey Davis. For the next 10 days as you round out your year, we’ll share one tool each day to help you [...]
December 23 – New Name Let’s meet again, for the first time. If you could introduce yourself to strangers by another name for just one day, what would it be and why? (Author: Becca Wilcott) {Future tool: Chris Guillebeau’s How to Conduct Your Own Annual Review. For the next 9 days as you round out [...]
I don't know. I don't really care about a new name. I would probably pick a name that is odd or slightly offensive to see the reaction that I may get/push some boundaries.
December 24 Prompt – Everything’s OK What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead? (Author: Kate Inglis) {Future tool: Gwen Bell – How to Create Your Personal Manifesto. For the next 8 days as you [...]
Well the first moment that comes to mind is post- surgery we got all the cancer. moment #2 last thursday at the local mexican restaurant with family- laughing and telling stories. Impromptu ice smashing fun. the word LIGHT comes to mind. For the year ahead- more LIGHT and more LAUGHTER.
December 25 – Photo – a present to yourself Sift through all the photos of you from the past year. Choose one that best captures you; either who you are, or who you strive to be. Find the shot of you that is worth a thousand words. Share the image, who shot it, where, and [...]
family picture day, December 11th 2010. This was taken the same spot my hubby took a picture of me three years ago when I was pregnant with my little guy. What a road it has been. I see a wiser and confident soul in me. I don't have to prove anything to anyone. It is just me, yup. A little posed but recovered and made it through the trauma and I am still here. Watch out world.
Friday, December 31, 2010
Like a Virgin - Madonna
I am not going to be out partying it up like I used to back in the day. In fact, I will probably never again party like I used to, at least with alcohol involved, sigh... I know it is unhealthy to drink but boy did I have fun times. The stories and partying experiences of my life have been fantastic. I remember drinking and dancing on the seats of a restaurant in Cairnes, Australia. Just pure energy of an entire room full of people dancing, it was awesome. I also have a fond memory of dancing with my peace corps pals in a random bar in Benin. Just dancing and singing together and then to return to an impromptu dip in a kitty pool we assembled in the library of the Peace Corps Office, ah drunken decisions. Maybe not the wisest choices but what fun memories I have. Singing Madonna Karaoke on National TV.
I physically cannot get my drink on anymore. The consequences of a night of drinking is just too much. Life is sure strange the roads you take and where you end up. So I get to continue to have crazy fun experiences without the help of liquid courage. Hmmm we will see how it goes.
Being that it is the end of the year and a time for reflection, I have been enjoying the questions of the reverb#10 project. A way to reflect on 2010 and set intention for 2011. It is a series of questions that are sent out everyday for the month of December. I am going to work on the questions here on my blog. One because it will be a good way to reflect and two I want to start writing more about who I am so my little guy will always now who his mama is.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
COMPASSION. I am choosing this one word because I had to work so hard this past year to be patient and compassionate with myself. My body went through hell and back and then hell and back again. Life was not as I expected it to be in 2010. I had a very tough road and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could with the hand that I was dealt. I am trying to heal and learn to live with my new normal.
EXPRESSION: In 2011 I want my word to be Expression! I want to sing out and let people know I am here and I am alive. I want to express my creativity and my passions. I want to play and laugh with my friends and family. I want to dance and express my joy of being healed. I want to express my feelings, thoughts and art with all.
December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)
spending time on the Iphone searching and surfing. I can cut back but I doubt I can eliminate it.
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
My first walk outside after my surgery. It was a sunny fall day and no one was around. I walked out to the sidewalk and felt the sun shine on my face. I saw the apples on the trees and took a deep breath. I looked at the dahlias, specifically my favorite one which I call "pink Lemonade". It is pointy with yellow with pink tips. I felt very alive. I had been lying down for over 4 weeks and very weak. Everything was very vivid. Complete double rainbows to be exact.
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
Living with a toddler. Just observing the wonder and amazement of his learning is WONDERful. He is fascinated by everything. I am fascinated by him. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
I let go of a lot of expectations of how I thought my life would be. I let go of a lot almost too much to write about without getting completely depressed. I let go of the need to understand. I let go of the need to be right. I let go of parts of my body. I let go of tying so hard. I let go of worrying about the small things. I let go of needing to be together all the time. I let go. I let go some of my youth- physically. I let go of my self, my identity. I let go of caring very much what people think. WHY? Well that silly cancer had something to do with it. Good bye cancer. I let go of cancer, all done. (I am signing it too).
December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
Last thing I made was gingerbread cookies. I used cookie dough that I bought at Great Harvest Bread because I wanted christmas cookies. I would like to make a quilt again and I would like to do some collage and make a vision board or some soul collage cards.
December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)
I have been blessed to join the community Sangha Mamas which has given my support and strength. I have also found that our larger community is amazing. People have been so supportive and helpful over the past year. I feel so blessed by community. I would like to add more expressive and fun activities to my life. I would like to join an improv group again.
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)
I am beautifully different because I have a positive attitude and am hopeful. I am willing to put myself out there and look stupid. I am silly. I like to sing-a-long with apps on my iphone. I have an amazing scar across my body that is super hot! I want to be present. I try to listen to others and ask questions. I believe in people. I have no shame about what I like.
December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)
It wasn't a party but a concert. We went to see angelique kidjo and it was as always amazing. She rocked my socks off. Felt one with people. There was a lot of singing and dancing. She includes everyone at her show. I was in the middle of treatment so felt like shit. However I felt for that night that Benin existed and my life in peace corps did happen. I felt transported to a happier tim in my life when I was healthy and exploring the world. I was with my husband and we rushed the stage together and watched all people at the concert.
I physically cannot get my drink on anymore. The consequences of a night of drinking is just too much. Life is sure strange the roads you take and where you end up. So I get to continue to have crazy fun experiences without the help of liquid courage. Hmmm we will see how it goes.
Being that it is the end of the year and a time for reflection, I have been enjoying the questions of the reverb#10 project. A way to reflect on 2010 and set intention for 2011. It is a series of questions that are sent out everyday for the month of December. I am going to work on the questions here on my blog. One because it will be a good way to reflect and two I want to start writing more about who I am so my little guy will always now who his mama is.
December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)
COMPASSION. I am choosing this one word because I had to work so hard this past year to be patient and compassionate with myself. My body went through hell and back and then hell and back again. Life was not as I expected it to be in 2010. I had a very tough road and tried to be the best mom and wife that I could with the hand that I was dealt. I am trying to heal and learn to live with my new normal.
EXPRESSION: In 2011 I want my word to be Expression! I want to sing out and let people know I am here and I am alive. I want to express my creativity and my passions. I want to play and laugh with my friends and family. I want to dance and express my joy of being healed. I want to express my feelings, thoughts and art with all.
December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)
spending time on the Iphone searching and surfing. I can cut back but I doubt I can eliminate it.
December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)
My first walk outside after my surgery. It was a sunny fall day and no one was around. I walked out to the sidewalk and felt the sun shine on my face. I saw the apples on the trees and took a deep breath. I looked at the dahlias, specifically my favorite one which I call "pink Lemonade". It is pointy with yellow with pink tips. I felt very alive. I had been lying down for over 4 weeks and very weak. Everything was very vivid. Complete double rainbows to be exact.
December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)
Living with a toddler. Just observing the wonder and amazement of his learning is WONDERful. He is fascinated by everything. I am fascinated by him. I am so lucky to have him in my life. Thank you.
December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)
I let go of a lot of expectations of how I thought my life would be. I let go of a lot almost too much to write about without getting completely depressed. I let go of the need to understand. I let go of the need to be right. I let go of parts of my body. I let go of tying so hard. I let go of worrying about the small things. I let go of needing to be together all the time. I let go. I let go some of my youth- physically. I let go of my self, my identity. I let go of caring very much what people think. WHY? Well that silly cancer had something to do with it. Good bye cancer. I let go of cancer, all done. (I am signing it too).
December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)
Last thing I made was gingerbread cookies. I used cookie dough that I bought at Great Harvest Bread because I wanted christmas cookies. I would like to make a quilt again and I would like to do some collage and make a vision board or some soul collage cards.
December 7 – Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)
I have been blessed to join the community Sangha Mamas which has given my support and strength. I have also found that our larger community is amazing. People have been so supportive and helpful over the past year. I feel so blessed by community. I would like to add more expressive and fun activities to my life. I would like to join an improv group again.
December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful. (Author: Karen Walrond)
I am beautifully different because I have a positive attitude and am hopeful. I am willing to put myself out there and look stupid. I am silly. I like to sing-a-long with apps on my iphone. I have an amazing scar across my body that is super hot! I want to be present. I try to listen to others and ask questions. I believe in people. I have no shame about what I like.
December 9 – Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans. (Author: Shauna Reid)
It wasn't a party but a concert. We went to see angelique kidjo and it was as always amazing. She rocked my socks off. Felt one with people. There was a lot of singing and dancing. She includes everyone at her show. I was in the middle of treatment so felt like shit. However I felt for that night that Benin existed and my life in peace corps did happen. I felt transported to a happier tim in my life when I was healthy and exploring the world. I was with my husband and we rushed the stage together and watched all people at the concert.
Frosty the Snowman
Happy New Year. A time for reflection and intentions for the new year. I have a lot to be thankful for. 2010 was a year of change once again. 3 years in a row now. I think it is time for some stability and peace in our family. Actually some mundane routine sounds very appealing. Here are my 2010 Christmas poems:
My gift of Christmas Spirit
You better watch out and you’re welcome to cry
My Christmas spirit is ready to fly
My spirit says, yes, its time to celebrate!
The lights are shining and I don’t know my fate
It is time to give and receive
It is time to surrender and believe
Take a deep breath and look around
It is time, Santa is comin’ to town!
Ode to Frosty the Snowman
Frosty knows how to live
He knows the sun will shine
and that he will melt away
so what dose he do?
He doesn’t spend time worrying about when that sunny day will come
He doesn’t stress over his career or making his mark in the world
He doesn’t lament about those he will leave behind
He dances, sings and plays with children
He lives life to the fullest with the time he has
He is present, in the moment
Frosty is my buddha
I am ready for 2011. I welcome peace and love. I am ready to laugh really hard, be creative and have some kick ass good times. Watch out
My gift of Christmas Spirit
You better watch out and you’re welcome to cry
My Christmas spirit is ready to fly
My spirit says, yes, its time to celebrate!
The lights are shining and I don’t know my fate
It is time to give and receive
It is time to surrender and believe
Take a deep breath and look around
It is time, Santa is comin’ to town!
Ode to Frosty the Snowman
Frosty knows how to live
He knows the sun will shine
and that he will melt away
so what dose he do?
He doesn’t spend time worrying about when that sunny day will come
He doesn’t stress over his career or making his mark in the world
He doesn’t lament about those he will leave behind
He dances, sings and plays with children
He lives life to the fullest with the time he has
He is present, in the moment
Frosty is my buddha
I am ready for 2011. I welcome peace and love. I am ready to laugh really hard, be creative and have some kick ass good times. Watch out
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Oh the Places You'll go- Dr. Seuss
I feel like the last two years of my life I have been living in a Dr. Seuss book: very colorful, sometimes unbelievable, fun, nonsensical, sad, lovely and insane. As you all know my family has been on the cancer express train. Yes, we all face suffering in our lives. We just happened to get a huge dose of it in a short time. So that means that I’ve paid my dues, right? Oh the bargaining I’ve done. I don’t want to rehash the cancer stories but I want to share with you my gratitude and thanks. I have changed and you have helped my family with our healing journey.
I couldn’t have gotten through three bouts of cancer and won without Brandon, Canyon, my family, friends, co-workers, St Francis family and the greater Bellingham community. Cancer quickly reordered my priorities. Facing the big ugly fear of death really sucks. Again I am not writing to tell you about the suffering. I have gained some personal wisdom in effort to make sense of this disease. I don't want to forget it so here it is.
A top priority in my life now is “my people”. Who are “my people”? All of us, from my spouse and child to the lady in the grocery store scanning my items. You all are my people and the generosity we have been gifted reinforces my love for “my people.” Thank you.
Trying to be present. I do not have “control” over my life and I can’t change the past or know the future. I can be here and now. Having 2 year-old Canyon reminds me of the importance of being in the moment. This is a big challenge.
Feel it all. As much as I can I try to let the feelings flow. I may not recognize why I am feeling what I am but I try to have compassion for myself and just let it be what it is.
It is important to listen to my body. Try to be healthy, pay attention to my diet, exercise, and rest, decrease stress. But also enjoy a hot fudge Sunday every once in a while. Have compassion and love for the changes in my body. Not create more stress by obsessing about my health.
Finally, Life is too short to not wear sequins everyday! Have bling in your life. I have more confidence in myself and don’t care what people think. When in doubt it can’t hurt to ask. I try to let go and laugh at the absurdity of life. The opposite side of this fearless card is that I do feel big fears too, but don’t we all.
Thank you again for supporting my family. We have never felt more blessed. Your generosity has been unbelievable. I have been able to heal, to enjoy time with my family and not worry about the things I can/could not do.
I couldn’t have gotten through three bouts of cancer and won without Brandon, Canyon, my family, friends, co-workers, St Francis family and the greater Bellingham community. Cancer quickly reordered my priorities. Facing the big ugly fear of death really sucks. Again I am not writing to tell you about the suffering. I have gained some personal wisdom in effort to make sense of this disease. I don't want to forget it so here it is.
A top priority in my life now is “my people”. Who are “my people”? All of us, from my spouse and child to the lady in the grocery store scanning my items. You all are my people and the generosity we have been gifted reinforces my love for “my people.” Thank you.
Trying to be present. I do not have “control” over my life and I can’t change the past or know the future. I can be here and now. Having 2 year-old Canyon reminds me of the importance of being in the moment. This is a big challenge.
Feel it all. As much as I can I try to let the feelings flow. I may not recognize why I am feeling what I am but I try to have compassion for myself and just let it be what it is.
It is important to listen to my body. Try to be healthy, pay attention to my diet, exercise, and rest, decrease stress. But also enjoy a hot fudge Sunday every once in a while. Have compassion and love for the changes in my body. Not create more stress by obsessing about my health.
Finally, Life is too short to not wear sequins everyday! Have bling in your life. I have more confidence in myself and don’t care what people think. When in doubt it can’t hurt to ask. I try to let go and laugh at the absurdity of life. The opposite side of this fearless card is that I do feel big fears too, but don’t we all.
Thank you again for supporting my family. We have never felt more blessed. Your generosity has been unbelievable. I have been able to heal, to enjoy time with my family and not worry about the things I can/could not do.
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