Letter to Self

From Kauai with Love

Dear self, 

I am writing to you to tell you about your vacation and what it has been like so far. I know it is different than you expected. You were given another chance to face your changes. You were reminded of what you cannot do and what you can.

Everyone has their own image of vacation. For some of us we imagine quiet days reading books in the sun next to the ocean or pool and leisurely swimming when we feel hot. Others want to explore every nook and cranny of their destination, leave no stone unturned. The rest of us are somewhere in-between not moving and having a plan for every minute of our vacation. So where do you fit in self? In your mind you would like to fall in the middle. You would like to have the option to explore and lounge around.

However you fit into 2 new special categories. This first category is for parents of young children age 0-4. As a parent of a young child your chance for t a relaxing, book reading vacation is not an option. Even having help you still are the mom and play a large role during vacation with your little one. Trying to explore a lot will not work either because little ones are in tune with their needs and will let you know with great protest that today is a stay in day, a day to get grounded. It doesn't matter if it is the sunniest day of your vacation their inner need prevails.

The second category is the differently abled category. This is a new role for you. When you were in Kauai just 2 years ago, you didn't fit into this category. You now live with chronic pain, the inability to walk very far, and you have a weak bladder. Although you know these barriers to be true at home, trying to adjust to your different abilities on vacation is a new challenge. Needing a wheel chair is necessary here. It is an act of trust having others push you around. Like your toddler your body sometimes screams out your inner need to rest. Pain prevails. Luckily you have a lanai that you can rest on and see, hear and feel the beauty.

I know that you were shocked when you arrived in Kauai and realized your body did not miraculously heal. It took a few days to realize you will be experiencing Kauai in a new way, on wheels. Yes, Kauai is beautiful on foot or on wheels. You realized you are lucky to see Kauai on foot and wheels. You were able to race your toddler in his stroller. Surprisingly he always won. 

One of your favorite moments was needing to use the bathroom but again not getting the message soon enough. You were in a restaurant without a change of clothes. Luckily you were able to excuse yourself to the shop next door and buy and wear straight out of the shop, a lovely Hawaiian dress. Yes, it is challenging to get used to the new you. But when you are not in a lot of pain, usually you can have a positive attitude.

The important thing to remember self is you can always count on change. Things come and go. Our bodies change from being capable to incapable and often back again. Your toddler will grow. Your feelings change over and over. Your pain will come and go. Trying to be present with each and every crazy moment is the definition of living. Welcome to the flow.