We are back in Bellingham. It's good to be home but a little bittersweet because it sure is nice to have my mom take care of us. Also, at home I look around my disheveled home and feel self-induced pressure to clean and organize. While making mental notes about all I want to "do", I am discouraged and reminded that one: I have limited use of my arms due to "sternal precautions", two: I have limited energy and do I really want to use it on folding laundry, and three: my neuropathy and pain is unpredictable and it feels like walking is like playing a game of roulette, spin the wheel and see if I can walk or not today. So being home reminds me of what I can't do. I imagine most people would love to have an excuse to get out of cleaning their house or grocery shopping. Well as bizarre as it seems, cleaning my house and grocery shopping are a luxury to me, a sign of normalcy.
I am still living in survival mode. I keep thinking about Maslow's hierarchy of needs and I am still at the bottom of the hierarchy trying to preserve my health and deal with pain. I have gotten better at appreciating the "here and now". I have lowered my expectations of outcomes, or should I say, I am more "open" to various outcomes. Having chronic pain really sucks. I don't know how people live with pain, it is really hard.
I am tired of complaining but we have good days and bad days, right? Sometimes my hubby and I just look at each other and shake our heads in disbelief. We get so overwhelmed by our life and the lack of energy that we have, but then that moment passes and somehow we rally and we keep on doing what we do. I try to remind myself that none of us can escape suffering, we just get it in different ways, at different times and in different doses during our lifetime, sounds like side effects from a medication.
Well I have had a rough time sleeping due to pain. I have been thinking that if I have to feel so much pain maybe others will have less. I like to think that there is some purpose to the pain.
3 comments:
My heart aches for you sweetheart. You are always in my prayers.
Alexis - as always, you continue to inspire me on a daily basis. I'm so sorry to hear that you are in so much pain. I am such a whimp with pain, I really feel for you and am amazed by your strength! You absolutely should tell everyone about your bad days - how can you not? I complain about things that don't even compare to what you are going thru! I am constantly thinking about you and hoping you will be able to do the things some of us take for granted soon (i.e. grocery shopping, etc...). You are an amazing strong woman.....love, Kelli
Keep that strength going. Share sweet moments with your fabulous family and get through each day one at a time. You can do this, you are amazing.
Suni
Post a Comment