When you feel stuck, what do you do? I guess the question is what can you do? The side effects from my highway to hell journey never cease to amaze me. I am so tired of the roller coaster. I am supposed to be recovering. I keep thinking about this book that Canyon likes me to read, " It's Not Fair". The main character talks about things he wants to do, like eat watermelon in the living room, but his mom says, "no, you must eat it in the kitchen"- it's not fair. I know it is important to stay positive but sometimes I have to yell out to the universe, " it's not fair!" if one more person says be thankful for what you can do or have, I'll respond with walk in my shoes for a while. It is hard to always take the " be thankful and gratitude road" especially when I am feeling so sick I can't even get out of bed. Can a person be tired of being tired of being tired? Well I will win that trophy. I imagine the top of the trophy has a gold coated person sitting at a small gold desk with they're arms and head flopped down on the desk in sheer exhaustion (A symbol of a persons inability to be awake or have energy while trying to participate in life learning.)
I am living in low blood pressure, heart beating in my ear, kidney challenged, dehydration, nerve pain, tachycardia hell. I am trying to coordinate my care with three different doctors. So for 9 days I have been living in this other reality. A reality where I don't work, drive, cook, clean, play with my son or rarely leave the house. I am being a little dramatic, I have left the house briefly. This alternate reality is not a place I want to stay. I feel stuck. The question is what can I do? So many things and not so many things.
I feel like my life is an a ironical game of "go fish". I keep having to draw, because no one seems to have the matching cards I need to get better. the game is never ending and it feels like I have been playing for decades. Meanwhile, all of my opponents are playing my game and 50 other games all at the same time. Therefore there is little time to focus on just one game. I need to switch games, maybe crazy 8's. Ok I feel better after writing my woes. Luckily everything is temporary,it is what it is, this to shall pass and it's not fair all at the same time.
5 comments:
I wish I could give you a big hug. Those side effects indeed sound suck-suck-suckity. Just let yourself feel "its not fair"; your natural optimisic WARRIOR self will return soon enough (I bet by the time you read this it may already be on its way). Love you. Phyllis
That sounds shitty. :( I hope the doctors figure out what is going on so you can be on the mend. I am going to be visiting B-Town more often now as my brother and his family are moving up there this month. Executive Chef gig at Western. I will let you know when I will be around in the next few months, in case you are up for guests. XOXO
Alexis, I wish for you the speediest path possible to feeling better in the whole universe. I can't tell you to look on the bright side and be optimistic, that things will get better, etc, etc, because I don't know. When I get stuck I feel like screaming and have this urge to move back to Africa or somewhere crazy, or to do something crazy like sky dive. I don't recommend the latter two. :) But maybe a good scream will help.
I'm so sorry you are going through this- ugh- I was thinking- and I am sure you were too- that the road post chemo would be increasingly easy. You are in my prayers- as you have been this whole journey- I am praying for strength, peace, healing, comfort and energy for you. I wish you weren't having to go through this :(
Oh Alexis, I wish I could say how to find that matching card or to say you should switch to crazy 8s or another game. But I can tell you I'm thinking TONS about ya. And hope that if you are able to leave the house soon you do something that might say SCREW the games! Like go to the gas station and get an ice cream treat or drink a hot toddy at 10am or rent some strange movie like High School musical. This sucks. Nothing is fair about it. And seriously, I'll come catch you up on doing your dishes or laundry ANYDAY, you just give me a shout.
Post a Comment