When you feel stuck, what do you do? I guess the question is what can you do? The side effects from my highway to hell journey never cease to amaze me. I am so tired of the roller coaster. I am supposed to be recovering. I keep thinking about this book that Canyon likes me to read, " It's Not Fair". The main character talks about things he wants to do, like eat watermelon in the living room, but his mom says, "no, you must eat it in the kitchen"- it's not fair. I know it is important to stay positive but sometimes I have to yell out to the universe, " it's not fair!" if one more person says be thankful for what you can do or have, I'll respond with walk in my shoes for a while. It is hard to always take the " be thankful and gratitude road" especially when I am feeling so sick I can't even get out of bed. Can a person be tired of being tired of being tired? Well I will win that trophy. I imagine the top of the trophy has a gold coated person sitting at a small gold desk with they're arms and head flopped down on the desk in sheer exhaustion (A symbol of a persons inability to be awake or have energy while trying to participate in life learning.)
I am living in low blood pressure, heart beating in my ear, kidney challenged, dehydration, nerve pain, tachycardia hell. I am trying to coordinate my care with three different doctors. So for 9 days I have been living in this other reality. A reality where I don't work, drive, cook, clean, play with my son or rarely leave the house. I am being a little dramatic, I have left the house briefly. This alternate reality is not a place I want to stay. I feel stuck. The question is what can I do? So many things and not so many things.
I feel like my life is an a ironical game of "go fish". I keep having to draw, because no one seems to have the matching cards I need to get better. the game is never ending and it feels like I have been playing for decades. Meanwhile, all of my opponents are playing my game and 50 other games all at the same time. Therefore there is little time to focus on just one game. I need to switch games, maybe crazy 8's. Ok I feel better after writing my woes. Luckily everything is temporary,it is what it is, this to shall pass and it's not fair all at the same time.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Don't stop thinking about Tomorrow- Fleetwood Mac
It is a beautiful sunny day. I am going to enjoy it and be thankful. The suffering and pain is part of life I understand. I am open to my process, I welcome healing and know it will be a long road. I do trust that my body will relax someday from the trauma it has faced.I know I can expect things to change. I will continue to cope and find help when I need it.
It has been a year since my major surgery and I am still here. I am a survivor.
It has been a year since my major surgery and I am still here. I am a survivor.
Calling All Angels- Train
Dear Nana,
I have been thinking about you a lot. I have been thinking about your life and my memories of you. I am so sad I didn't get to see you before you left to be with papa. I am glad I was able to tell you how much I love you.
I want to let you know that I miss you and thank you for all that you gave to our family. You were witty and sharp. You were thoughtful and loving. You loved everyone and let us know it. You made me proud to be a Pingree and I always felt accepted and included in our family. A value that I hold on to, " if we're family, than your invited." Your were our matriarch. Your children loved and respected you and treated you like royalty, the way elders should be treated.
I am going to write down some of my memories so I won't forget them and my son will know how you influenced who I am and who we are as a family.
I remember visiting nana and papa in Portland. They had a big yellow house at a fork in the road. they had a giant rock in their front yard. Papa kept the yard beautiful. He had a powder blue truck and camper. Powder blue was his favorite color. Nana had a brown car with a velvety dog in the back window who's head bobbed up and down. They had lots of ceramics in their yard that grandma painted. I remember Gnomes, the 7 dwarves. Inside they had the infamous autumn delight furniture. I was given the love seat in college. They had an upstairs and a basement. They always had a " baby's room" . Nana had various piggy banks that collected quarters and dimes in different tubes. She had a light switch of a flasher, it was funny. She would cook dinner and papa would cook breakfast. Papa would always cook eggo waffles and insist on cutting it in pieces for me even when i was a teenager. Nana liked to smoke and she liked coke. She liked to lay in the sun and they often had a pool in their back yard for this purpose. Nana knit her famous slippers that kept our feet warm all winter long. The slippers are still a part of our family. Papa did latch hook and paint by numbers. He built me a doll house and we built furniture together, that I still have. Nana liked playing her video games: Pacman by atari.
I remember laughing a lot with my family. I remember playing games, UNO, spoons and other card games. I remember Christmases together. The bird chirp coming from the christmas tree and i could never find the bird. The ceramic christmas tree with peg lights. Going through big catalogs and circling the toys. I remember and have recipes for nana's Carmels and pickled eggs. I remember the turkey and mayo on rolls and cokes she made us for the long drive home. When I would visit she would often have my favorite candy, jelly belles. I remember the surprise party for nana on her 80th birthday. I have more memories that I need to spend time writing down. These are some of the highlights of how I perceived things.
Right now, I believe that you are at peace and with papa. I also believe that you are there for me, to hold me when things get rough. I know I can call on you for support and guidance. I don't know where your spirit is but I know you are here for our family.
I see you everyday in my blooming dahlias, the wind blowing the tree leaves, in my dad, in Canyons smile, in my slippers and in my heart. Thank you for creating us. The last time I talked with you nana you said you will keep reading my blog, so this ones for you nana. I love you.
I have been thinking about you a lot. I have been thinking about your life and my memories of you. I am so sad I didn't get to see you before you left to be with papa. I am glad I was able to tell you how much I love you.
I want to let you know that I miss you and thank you for all that you gave to our family. You were witty and sharp. You were thoughtful and loving. You loved everyone and let us know it. You made me proud to be a Pingree and I always felt accepted and included in our family. A value that I hold on to, " if we're family, than your invited." Your were our matriarch. Your children loved and respected you and treated you like royalty, the way elders should be treated.
I am going to write down some of my memories so I won't forget them and my son will know how you influenced who I am and who we are as a family.
I remember visiting nana and papa in Portland. They had a big yellow house at a fork in the road. they had a giant rock in their front yard. Papa kept the yard beautiful. He had a powder blue truck and camper. Powder blue was his favorite color. Nana had a brown car with a velvety dog in the back window who's head bobbed up and down. They had lots of ceramics in their yard that grandma painted. I remember Gnomes, the 7 dwarves. Inside they had the infamous autumn delight furniture. I was given the love seat in college. They had an upstairs and a basement. They always had a " baby's room" . Nana had various piggy banks that collected quarters and dimes in different tubes. She had a light switch of a flasher, it was funny. She would cook dinner and papa would cook breakfast. Papa would always cook eggo waffles and insist on cutting it in pieces for me even when i was a teenager. Nana liked to smoke and she liked coke. She liked to lay in the sun and they often had a pool in their back yard for this purpose. Nana knit her famous slippers that kept our feet warm all winter long. The slippers are still a part of our family. Papa did latch hook and paint by numbers. He built me a doll house and we built furniture together, that I still have. Nana liked playing her video games: Pacman by atari.
I remember laughing a lot with my family. I remember playing games, UNO, spoons and other card games. I remember Christmases together. The bird chirp coming from the christmas tree and i could never find the bird. The ceramic christmas tree with peg lights. Going through big catalogs and circling the toys. I remember and have recipes for nana's Carmels and pickled eggs. I remember the turkey and mayo on rolls and cokes she made us for the long drive home. When I would visit she would often have my favorite candy, jelly belles. I remember the surprise party for nana on her 80th birthday. I have more memories that I need to spend time writing down. These are some of the highlights of how I perceived things.
Right now, I believe that you are at peace and with papa. I also believe that you are there for me, to hold me when things get rough. I know I can call on you for support and guidance. I don't know where your spirit is but I know you are here for our family.
I see you everyday in my blooming dahlias, the wind blowing the tree leaves, in my dad, in Canyons smile, in my slippers and in my heart. Thank you for creating us. The last time I talked with you nana you said you will keep reading my blog, so this ones for you nana. I love you.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Always Something There to Remind Me- Naked Eyes
I had my present moment Saturday, at the farmers market. It was sunny the sound of marimba music was in the background. I was picking 10 dahlia stems to take home. I was surrounded by brilliant colored dahlias, deep red, orange with pink tips, yellow, hot pink and peach. I felt so excited standing there deciding which dahlias to pick. Like a kid in a candy store. I at that moment took it all in and felt alive. I didn't notice my pain, my past or worry about my future, I was NOW.
This road I have been on is still quite bumpy. When I finished treatment I knew it would take time and that the side effects may be rough. Can I just say, fuck yeah, this is bullshit! Yes, I am impatient to get better but can't I get a break. I feel like I have been slowly tortured into insanity. The thought is that I had my big surgery about a year ago and I think I have some scar tissue pushing on my sciatic nerve down my right leg. The pain slowly gets worse. It hurts all the time! There is no comfortable position. Do you know how crazy it feels to always be uncomfortable? It takes a lot of energy just to function. I thought chemo was bad, it was but I knew it would end. So what are my options? I have some nerve medication that made me feel drunk til noon everyday. I asked for a lower dose and it seems to be helping at least every other day. I also take ibuprofen and dilaudid around the clock. In addition to my pain I know have 3 blood pressure medications that seem to work, thank goodness. However they make me dizzy and dehydrated. However, I was able to receive my infusion last Thursday which is a good thing. Am I a complainer, yes I am. I have had to hire some help because I cannot clean my own house or grocery shop due to the pain. When I have energy I want be with my family not dishes. I have been thinking a lot about the importance of quality of life, hmmm you think. have been trying to work too. It's been overwhelming dealing with my health. I have a plan that includes lots of body work. Our medical system has been a bear too. I have three different docs involved in my care and none of them talk, so I have to coordinate and interpret, thank you friends and family for helping me with this one. Okay I am done with my health rant. I appreciate my life now doubt about it, I would just like a little repose from the drama so I can go out with some friends and have fun or go out with my hubby. I will do my best cause I always try.
This road I have been on is still quite bumpy. When I finished treatment I knew it would take time and that the side effects may be rough. Can I just say, fuck yeah, this is bullshit! Yes, I am impatient to get better but can't I get a break. I feel like I have been slowly tortured into insanity. The thought is that I had my big surgery about a year ago and I think I have some scar tissue pushing on my sciatic nerve down my right leg. The pain slowly gets worse. It hurts all the time! There is no comfortable position. Do you know how crazy it feels to always be uncomfortable? It takes a lot of energy just to function. I thought chemo was bad, it was but I knew it would end. So what are my options? I have some nerve medication that made me feel drunk til noon everyday. I asked for a lower dose and it seems to be helping at least every other day. I also take ibuprofen and dilaudid around the clock. In addition to my pain I know have 3 blood pressure medications that seem to work, thank goodness. However they make me dizzy and dehydrated. However, I was able to receive my infusion last Thursday which is a good thing. Am I a complainer, yes I am. I have had to hire some help because I cannot clean my own house or grocery shop due to the pain. When I have energy I want be with my family not dishes. I have been thinking a lot about the importance of quality of life, hmmm you think. have been trying to work too. It's been overwhelming dealing with my health. I have a plan that includes lots of body work. Our medical system has been a bear too. I have three different docs involved in my care and none of them talk, so I have to coordinate and interpret, thank you friends and family for helping me with this one. Okay I am done with my health rant. I appreciate my life now doubt about it, I would just like a little repose from the drama so I can go out with some friends and have fun or go out with my hubby. I will do my best cause I always try.
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