William Li: Can we eat to starve cancer? | Video on TED.com

William Li: Can we eat to starve cancer? | Video on TED.com


This talk is interesting, right up my alley or valley. It's in part about the action of one of the medications I receive, Avastin. This is a medication they want me to continue getting every month for who knows how long. I like the idea of adding foods and tea to potentiate the effects of preventing reoccurrence. It just seems like preventing cancer should be so simple. Hmmmm.

Joy and Pain - Rob Base and DJ EZ Rock

It seems like I never learn. As humans we must be programed to forget pain. That is why women continue to have babies right? They go through the hard work and pain and are rewarded and then they heal and forget. It was only 3 weeks ago, my last chemo, I went through this exact process, and I still get annoyed and resist the pain. I let the discomfort get to me. I know it will pass but I still want to fight it while I am in it. I mean it's not like I get the reward of birthing a baby when I am through a round of chemo(ok that would be weird, and a lot of babies). I am trying to go back to the "we forget pain" idea. I just think that when I am "in it", I can't remember the good energy I just wrote about a week ago. Maybe we are programmed to forget pleasure too. Maybe I can pat myself on the back and say I am being present, right? Well, if I we truly present then I would accept my state and be wise in knowing it will pass. Oh how the psyche torments us, quit judging and analyzing. There I go again.

All I know is I am cranky and my family has to deal with my swinging moods. I think part of it is coming off the steroids. They get me going and then bring me down. If your going to the top of the mountain you eventually have to come back down to the valley. The goal of all this torture is to prolong life, quality of life and be cancer free. Is it worth it, hell yes! Is it torture, hell yes! Thank you family for your patience and understanding. Someday this will be a distant memory.

So I continue in the valley for the next couple of days. Let's expand the landscape in my valley, make it a little more fun. I would like to include some bubbling brooks, flowing waterfalls with pink lotuses floating about. My valley is filled with never-ending blossoming cherry trees. A mossy ground lush and fragrant of licorice mint. birds flying about, lots of hummingbirds. There's a wise old woman in white that doesn't speak but is present and nurturing. The weather is sunny and 74 with perfect humidity. There is a fainting couch made out of lambs ear plant surrounded by vibrant dahlias, my resting spot. Now that is cancer free living!

Meanwhile, my body evolves through another regeneration of life after chemotherapy. You are a tough body my friend. May gentleness fill your cells!

Restless Resting

Restless resting, sounds like an oxymoron, that is how I feel today. I am tired from the extra 8 pounds of chemo and hydration that is flowing through my body. It is amazing that I gain 8 lbs in 3 days. Then I get to pee it all out, go kidneys. But in the meantime I get to feel swollen and puffy.

It is very challenging to be present. I want to plan and get on with my life and do something constructive with my day. I have to convince myself, again, that resting is my work for the day. Like my toddlers job is to play, mine is to rest. And again, this is my life right now, there's no such thing as "getting on with my life". I just miss my ole pal energy. My other job today is to be understanding about my impatience and frustration, you can have it.

It's times like these, right after chemo, I want to be inspired. I want to feel passion about life and the world. I want to make a difference make my mark. It must be a mortality thing. I really want to live a full life and being in bed feels a bit stifling.

While I am down and out my wonderful coworkers are planning a lunch fundraiser tomorrow to help us out. We are so blessed. Thank you my health department family.

Well back to restless resting.

Red, Brown or Scarf?

Ain't no mountain high enough - Diana Ross

Good morning. What a beautiful day. Rainier is glowing. I am on the fast track to getting out of here around 5 pm. I am counting my lucky stars for a smooth treatment. Maybe this is a result of good karma. Last week I called the oncology nurses and wished them a happy nurses week and thanked them for the work they do.

Who knows, lately I try not to analyze too many things.

Mount Rainer
floating over the evergreens
Covered in bright sun light energy
White snow with sky blue accents
From a distance, a giant snow slide, I want to ride, weeeeee
Beauty and danger.
A symbol of home
Powerful and commanding
Yes, your majesty
Shall we have some tea?

Healing Hippo & Hummuingbird

O magnificent Purple "water horse"
Stable and grounded on land
Flowing and agile while swimming in healing waters
Protector of young
One who knows a mother's fury
Symbiotic and amphibious
Please give balance and healing to those in need
O magnificent hippopotamus

- Many Women Can Have Cervical Cancer Test Every 3 Years: Study - Yahoo! News

Interesting article. In an ideal world, you would come to a joint decision with your HCP based on acog recommendations, test results, personal history. Personally having a history of yearly paps and no abnormal results, who knows what would have been if I waited 3 years to be tested. Food for thought. I am a rare case anyway.

> Many Women Can Have Cervical Cancer Test Every 3 Years: Study
>
> http://news.yahoo.com/s/hsn/20110520/hl_hsn/manywomencanhavecervicalcancertestevery3yearsstudy
>
> ============================================================
> Yahoo! News
> http://news.yahoo.com/

One thing leads to another - the Fixx

I made it to round 5. Today was another waiting game and a blessing in disguise. The hospital was full and my 11:00 admit time was moved until 4pm. I was stuck in traffic for an hour trying to get here. So I check in a 5:15. Usually the admission process takes hours and I was anticipating being here until Saturday morning instead of a Friday night discharge. Talk about a test of giving up control. When i arrived, my nurse said my chemo medication was ready and the infusion was changed from 20 hours to 18 hours. So I was hooked up and was getting infused within an hour. My room has a view of Mount Rainer and I was able to spend the most beautiful day outside with my son. What a mixed blessing getting bumped. It looks like I will be out of here by 5 pm tonight.

I only slept 3-4 hours last night. Silly meds and counter meds. Hopefully I will rest later.
So far so good. Just waiting for the fatigue to set in.

Hold On - Wilson Phillips

I do still exist. It is a good thing when I am blogging less. It means I have a vertical life. I am up and out in the world and not at home in bed. Last week, I went into work 4 days in a row, for a few hours each day. It felt like I was having a semi-normal life. At work there was, as always, a lot of unknowns and changes. More opportunity to be open to what may unfold and enjoy the ride. I am lucky to work where I do. So blessed.

It is so nice to feel good during my "good" week. I have energy again. I have to hold on to this feeling and remind myself that energy comes back.

I have been taking what I call risks. I have a lot of fear about going on a long walk and being out in public and getting stuck because of lack of energy or pain. God forbid i would have to ask for help. It keeps me from being very physically active. This week I was so thankful to have energy. I decided to push myself a little, take a risk.

On Saturday, I parked 6 blocks from the farmers market and walked with my little 35 pounder in my arms (he didn't want to walk) through town. It was just the two of us and I felt powerful and almost normal. Just a bald mom and her toddler going to the market. It gave me confidence that I can go on longer walks, to the playground and my body is capable.

My body has been so messed with that I have very little trust in what I can or can't do. Of course it changes week to week with chemo. So for me, Saturday was a BIG deal. Today I walked to the playground and went down the slide with Canyon. It was fine. I didn't break. I made it home.

I just can't believe that only 5 years ago I was training for a marathon and running 5ks and half marathons, feeling so strong and fit. I mourn the loss of running. But hey, who knows what I will be capable of 5 years from now.

The real message here is to remember this energetic time when I am in the arm pit of my bad week (this upcoming week). Remind myself that I get better.

Here's to my second to last chemo. A friend that gives really f'n tough love. Cheers.

Sent from my iPhone

Express Yourself - Madonna

In December I participated in the reverb#10 project. I would describe it as a personal writing reflection/goal setting exercise reviewing 2010. http://www.reverb10.com/

Now the website has monthly prompts to continue writing and personal reflection. The May prompt is: What is shifting in your life? Have any of the seeds you planted in reverb10 manifested? Sounds like a good time to address this prompt, so here it goes.

I looked back at my reverb10 responses. A lot of my reflection was about fighting cancer and wanting to move on with my life, not live scan to scan, and close the cancer chapter. Well of course, I still want that to manifest.

So far in 2011, I haven't had the luxury of living without cancer and it playing a big role in my life. I have done some emotional work since December. Cancer has been knocked out again according to my latest scan. My shifting is perception. I don't see myself fighting cancer anymore but I am more of a transformation artist. I see cancer as an energy draining force. It's like a pessimistic person that sees the bad side of everything. Like Debbie Downer from Saturday Night Live, everytime cancer shows up, I hear the post Debbie Downer comment sound effect, wah, wah.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XW12eSDqFi8&feature=youtube_gdata_player

Cancer is a taker, a black hole and has a bad attitude. I see my white blood cells, chemo, food, body work, love, meditation as bright light energy that is turning cancer's frown upside down into bright healthy light energy. I am still evolving, I see that as a positive shift.

One of the reverb prompts in December was to choose a word for 2011. I chose "expression" as my word. I think that it has been appropriately assigned. I have been a steady blogger and open to sharing my process with anyone. I have not been willing to let this disease isolate or shame me, at least electronically. I speak my mind, feelings and insecurities.

I have been dressing more expressively which is a polite way to say that I have lost my sense of dressing normal, it's all about comfort and meaning. I really enjoy my one size fits all brown sweater/blanket like wrap, that has been deemed, my flying squirrel sweater (not a good sign) but I feel cozy and comforted wearing it. I am also enjoying my rainbow and rocket knee-high socks (must be some form of compensation for being bald. More attention to the body less to the head.) Yes, I wear them together. Whatever works, I try not to judge myself but go with it. It is all part of the healing puzzle(that is what I tell myself).

I guess the manifestation and shifting lesson for me is to be who I am and right now, cancer is a part of my story. It is not who I am, but we definatley have had a love hate relationship for the past 2 years. So for now, I am a transformation artist and the energy CEO of my body.(can I put that on my resume? It sounds impressive, one is creative the other so corporate.)I am manifesting health and transforming the wah, wah.

Manic Monday -The Bangles

Monday morning, I want to have a busy day full of accomplishments and efficiency. The western curse, needing to always be " doing" something. We ask each other, "what do you do?" Working is valued. Even while at home during this treatment, i think about what I can get done. Some organizing here maybe a creative project there. Well it all takes energy, physical, emotional and spiritual. The value of my energy stock is very high right now, it is in high demand with scarce amounts available to myself and the public.

Having lived in another culture, I recognize this "doing" culture is not all together healthy. Actually, you don't need to live in another culture to realize that. When I was in Benin, a common phrase people would say was, "good sitting". I found this to be quite funny. How can you be praised for sitting when your not doing anything. The western way is quite illuminated outside your own home. Over time I realize that the value was in being there, putting in the time, not forcing things to happen. Here in our culture we are busy bees or work ants, always have a mission underway. And again the goal is finding balance, being in the middle. Sometimes that answer is disappointing. I wish there was an easy path with listed steps of how to achieve balance (that is so American of me). Then when I reach my goal, I would get a gold star sticker and be content.

Today, I have a burning sore throat and am trusting that it is chemo related and not viral or passed on from Canyon's fever episode last week (which is now a mild cold/cough). I have to remind myself to check my energy stock today. Lab draw today.

Happy Monday and good sitting

Sent from my iPad

Heel Thyself

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/05/08/opinion/08Brown.html

More inspirational nurse writing by Theresa Brown. I am ready for the change. Thanks for your insight Theresa.

Cinco de Mayo 05-05-05

Here Comes Your Man- the Pixies

6 years ago I was getting into my wedding dress. I was preparing for my magical wedding day. It was one of the best days of my life. The sun was out and I looked beautiful. My friends and family at our side. What a celebration. My dear hubby I met 19 years ago today at a party in Bellingham.

Today I am pale, bald and bloated. Making laps around the living room to activate my bowels. So sexy, I know. I have no eyebrows and very few eyelashes. I am covered in scars. my body is so different. But I am still me.

My hubby sees through it all. He sees through my body's changes. He sees my soul and continues to tell me I am beautiful. I know he loves me for better or for worse. He sees my scars and his heart hurts for what I have endured but I know he loves me and sees beauty.

He is the devoted hubby I had hoped for when I married him. He makes me laugh. We know how to push each others buttons, and do. We have been to hell and back, many times now. We are solid. He is an amazing papa. Here's to you hubby and many happy times ahead.

I love you B. I am a lucky duck!

Sent from my iPhone

Pace

Still coughing and tired. The sunny day is beautiful yet creates a restless feeling. "I want", says the ego. I want to be out in the world, in the sun. I am in bed lying next to my snoring toddler. He is exhausted. He has been entertained and on the go for over a week during my treatment and recovery. Today he reached meltdown. He just wanted to be held and rocked for over an hour. I think he wants mama time and to rest. I wish I had more energy an presence for him. He has a fever too, crap. We do not need any more bugs in this household. Please don't let me get it, whatever it is. Please let it pass by him too.

We try so hard to minimize the impact on our little guy that I think we forget to slow down let him process and rest too. It is much easier to fill time. It is hard to hang out in "transitions", you have to feel feelings you might not want to face. It is just uncomfortable sometimes to deal, such is life. I was reading Pema Chodron again...

Pema's wise insight: She encourages us to stay in that place of restlessness. That place of "boredom" where you feel shifty and want to "do" something, like reach for your iPhone, tv or some other entertainment, but you wait. What if you wait and be with the "shiftys"? You have to wake up to yourself a little bit, struggle a little bit and be present.

Well, cheers to feeling shifty(as I type away on my entertainment device.) and trying to stay present. Right now the whole idea sounds about as enjoyable as getting some major dental work.

Bonne sante, por favor!

Today

Listening to the wind chimes enjoying the sun peaking through the window. My energy is taking a dip as the steroids wear off from their three day party in my blood stream. I know the ritual now. I know what to expect and how this week will unfold. Tomorrow will be lots of resting and my digestion will gurgle and churn trying to get moving. I have to ride the wave. I must surrender to the deep rest my body desires to heal.

Today, I was looking in a catalog that came in the mail and I found myself admiring all the sleep wear. Hmmmm, this is where I am. I live in sleep wear most of the time. C'est la vie!

Feeling grateful for the help and love that surrounds me and my family.

Sent from my iPhone