Scan

CT scan day. Waiting in the reception to drink my oral contrast solution. Woke up to thunder and clouds. Hmmm. Must be a good sign. My poet is accessed, love autocorrect, meant to say port but prefer poet. I have to drink the solution for an hour then a 5 minute scan. Cancer centers are not fun places to be. My appointment and results should be known today at 2pm. Wish me luck!

Reunited - Peaches & Herb

I had a wonderful trip to NC and VA, a reunion with my peace corps gals and families. This was my post chemo reward trip. I hadn't seen some of these ladies in ten years. The bonds we created in the peace corps were deep and real. We went through so much together. When we reunited it was like we were never apart. Our interactions were full of comfort and ease. We resumed our connections immediately and spent time just being together. This was just as I hoped it would be. So beautiful and so genuine.

The bonds we created I think stem from the challenges we lived through in Peace Corps. Being challenged by living in a developing country for 2 years pretty much kills any pretension or bullshit facade. We saw the best and the worst in each other. The beauty is we accepted each other for who we are best and worst, because we were all we had during those two years. In short, we became family. Unfortunately for me, the majority of my PC family lives on the other side of the country. My spirit was lifted from our visit and that adds to healing. So thank you ladies and families. We will reunite sooner than later next time.

I loved sitting on the porch and talking in the sweltering heat. The lighting bugs at dusk. The kids on the slip-n-slide trying to drink the dirty water pooled up at the end of the slide. Henry's laugh and Grey's passion for pirates. Southern fried chicken. Roxy chasing the goats and Ryder's enthusiasm. Isabelle's mindfulness and Elie's expressions. watching the thunderstorm, yelling Kaboom. Dance party in the entry. Going to the swimming hole, we did not sink, no worries Canyon. Stormy Fred's "he haw". front row seats for the fireworks. dinner outside every night. helpful husbands. the joy of being with people I love and love me for me. Thank you friends!

Now I digress back to the present:

Today, my energy is still challenged. This is not a surprise, but I still sometimes refuse to believe that it will take a year or longer to get my energy back. I am still fighting the cough and just worn out from travels, work and life. Today I returned to the medical world for an infusion of the medication, Avastin. This medication is supposed to help keep the tumors away. "Avastin, I greet you with open arms, please do your job very well." My labs looked pretty good this time around which is reassuring to me. The plan is to continue the Avastin every 3-4 weeks for how long I don't know. I am scheduled through the end of the year. This medication has little to no side effects so far. Hopefully just good side effects- extending life.

Normalcy strikes

I am still here. Just returned from my post chemo reward trip. I mostly kicked my never ending cold, thanks to antibiotics. I worked my first full 8 hour day since September. Can you say amazing. I was tearful with joy for the normalcy I felt yesterday. Never been more excited to work. So thankful to have the physical stamina. I will elaborate more on my trip, but life calls right now.

Sent from my iPhone

One Moment in Time- Whitney Houston

So there I was in Target walking between the greeting card isle and the designer lotion isle. A smile came across my face, I had a moment of presence. I was watching people pass me with their carts. Picking up their essential and nonessential items. This was a moment of being normal. Just existing in American society.

In high school, I would not have shopped at target, because I was all about name brands. In college, I wouldn't have shopped at Target because I would be feeding the corporate machine adding to our consumeristic and wasteful culture. Now, today, I am happy to be out of the house. I am happy to participate in our culture, even if it is shopping at Target. I know it is not the most spiritually enriching activity. However today I felt like I was a normal person, not a cancer person. My energy was in the moment not tied up in guilt or judgement about shopping. It was a nice moment.

This Target moment was also about having some energy. I have been sick for the past 8 days and it has been rough. Lots of coughing and laryngitis. I have been silent for the better part of the last few days. My back is really hurting from all the coughing too. I finally got some antibiotics and feel better. I am still coughing like crazy at night but I think this cold will end. At work I am always writing about those that are at risk for various diseases. It is usually premature infants, pregnant women and immunocompromised. Let me tell you being an immune suppressed person can be the pits. This is a club you do not want to join.

Upside Down- Donna Summer

Happy first day of summer, summer solstice, longest day of the year. So how come I have such a short fuse. I have a cold. My lungs hurt and my gut is still in disfunction. I feel tired and sick, maybe that is why. I feel like such a downer. Yeah, I am done with treatment and I still feel like dung. I am angry. It is not fair. I want to feel good. Quick, someone flip the I-am-done-with-treatment-switch to make it all better. If only there was a switch, a light switch. Turn on the light of "easy" please, am I asking too much?

I guess my expectations and reality are different. My attachment to feeling better is what is bringing me down. The reality, it is what it is. But my ego wants to fight. I want to fight every moment that I have had to lay on the couch, in my bed, in the hospital. I want to kick all that suffering in the groin. I want you (cancer) to pay for taking time way from me and my family. I want you to feel the pain I have felt. I want to punch your lights out cancer. I want you to get cancer, cancer, and feel like shit. I want you to have to worry day in and day out about taking care of your body. I want you to wait for weeks for a bad scan result. I want you to feel tired and grumpy for years.

It is all part of the process, my wise self pipes in. This has been a time of growth. A time where the beauty of humanity has been illuminated by all the suffering I have seen. The people in my life, my community have been a safety net for us. I have been blessed by compassionate and giving people in my life. My wise self knows that in some ways I am more alive now than I ever have been. Facing death I know my priorities. Right now, I am back in transition land, a place of uncertainty of what will happen next. It is to early too tell what the future holds. It is too early to really "do" anything. This place is where I have to hang out and be as I am. it's not easy.

To sum it up: fuck cancer and live in the moment. Well there is my bipolar rant for today. I feel better, still a little grumpy.