I will survive - Gloria Gaynor

Are my expectations too high? Maybe "my expectations" are how I try to gain control over this uncontrollable stage in my life? Each time I get treatment there is a communication break down. I call ahead and verify the plan. I do all that I can in my power to help facilitate/ advocate for myself. It is exhausting because something always is missed. So do I need to change my expectations and assume something will go wrong and be pleasantly surprised if it doesn't? When do you draw the line between being an advocate and control seeker?

Here are the facts: I finished chemo last night and was discharged from the hospital at 9pm. Up this morning getting myself and little C ready for our trip to the city for my final 2 hour infusion for cycle number 4. My appointment has always been at 9:30. I get dropped off and informed my appointment is at noon. No one told me, can you say, "losing it!".

So I explained my child care is limited for my 2 year old, I live far away and I was not given a schedule, even though I asked for one last Tuesday. I waited for about an hour while they figured out what to do with me. I know there were no nurses available, I wasn't on the 9:30 schedule.

The f'd up part is it's not like I can say, "screw you, I don't need to stay here and receive your life saving drug." Well I could, but I am not an idiot. So ultimately they dictate my time today.

So I started to cry. Sitting in the waiting room crying because I am tired of this and this issue pushed me over the edge. I just want to play with my little guy who keeps saying, "mama come home." I don't want to spend 5 more hours in cancer world. Crying got results. I was genuinely sad, not just trying to get in. Part of me thought I am sure they don't want crying patients in the waiting room. They finally found a place for me, all the others in the waiting room heard my story as the nurse escorted me to my room. I just wanted to let the staff know I really do have a life outside of cancer. I am sure they know but sometimes the system makes patients feel like shit and I had to do what I had to do.

I am so glad I have almost finished 4 treatments. Two more seems very close to the finish line. I can see a field of blooming flowers waiting for me to run through with all the energy I could want. I can seeing going on long walks with my family and not fearing exhaustion or pain. And the list goes on.

For now I am tired, frustrated and still wondering if my expectations are too high. I plan to share the facts with the nurse coordinators about the miscommunication. I also am going to try to let it go. I am a fan of blogging/processing my crap and feeling better already. Thanks for listening/reading.

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Why Become a Nurse?

Check out this video on YouTube:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xjUGhzHgRUk&feature=youtube_gdata_player

A little inspiration today. I went on a walk over to U of W School of Nursing my old stomping grounds. It is amazing the attention you get with a bald head and an IV pole. I met the director of advancement services and the Dean in the hallway. We had a great conversation exchanged contact info and was informed about this inspiring nurse in the video attached. She is coming to speak at UW soon. This is for all the nurses!

Sugar May Be An Empty Nutrient, But Is It Poisonous?

Sugar May Be An Empty Nutrient, But Is It Poisonous?

Blogs that make me laugh

http://kellyoxford.tumblr.com/

Why I like this blog, the following twitter posts, nothing like a little humor to get you going. In my case steroids too!

"Web MD is like choose your own adventure book where the ending is always cancer."

And

"When Foreigner sings ' I wanna know what love is' , you know why they don't.

http://www.scarymommy.com/

A lovely web blog "taking an honest look at motherhood". With an interesting and hilarious confessions page.

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Pour some sugar on me- Def Leppard

More hospital adventures. I have a few things on my mind. I slept 6 hours which is successful for a hospital stay. 10 hours left to be infused.

I had a lower hemaocrit again but then it climbed back up today. The rule is not to obsess about my labs. My oncologist said, "we treat the person not the number." that is good to hear. My cold seems better. Still some crackles in my left lower lobe. A nurse gave me a fancy medical devise called an "acapella" it is a plastic thing you breathe in it vibrates and supposedly loosens your lung secretions. It seems to work. I'll add a picture.

I have been a little worried about what I eat. Being sick I wanted comfort food and coupled with Easter. The sugar temptation was strong and winning. Not to say it isn't okay to have treats. I just would like to eat a little healthier. The meals help tremendously with this effort. I just have a mild/raging sugar addiction. It sure tastes good going in but has a tendency to produce lots of guilt too.

Some of it is normal societal healthy eating pressure. Some of it is cancer fear, if I don't eat healthy I am decreasing my chance to heal. The final stab of guilt is due to history. The old pattern of how I eat when I feel sick or have certain feelings. I think most of at one point or another we have all stuffed a feeling with a cookie. Or rewarded yourself with sweets for a job well done.

Food is not an evil force but there is sure a lot of feelings, control and patterns wrapped up in eating. I know, It all comes back to good ole balance and moderation. Being mindful of what we eat, most of the time.

For me, I need to have compassion for myself and my not so mindful choices sometimes. Guess what I am not perfect.
I was advised to smile at my meal every time before I eat. A way of giving thanks and just giving some love to what is going into my body. This is true for any of my food choices. It also helps bring awareness to whatever I am about to eat.

It is still a challenge to stay on the health wagon without getting to controlling or obsessed. Welcome to what it's like for most women in the US.

I wonder with the rising obesity rates in our country what type of emotional starvation people are facing. I know that it is an intricate puzzle but I am most curious about the emotion and spiritual connection to our food choices.

My chemo bag is adorned with heart stickers. I sent love to the chemo. Now if they would quit drilling into the wall in the next room. I asked and it looks like the pounding and drilling will continue until 2pm. So I am up for a new room. Not sure I can deal with 5 hours of construction next to my head.

Found 2 new hilarious mom websites/blogs. I will post them under inspirational links.
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