I am back. I took a blogging birthday hiatus. Turning 40 isn't easy. Not only did I turn 40 but I went into work on my birthday and the next day. You know you are a cancer patient when... you want to go to work on your birthday (doing something routine and normal). At work, I was surprised with a lovely celebration and cake from my coworkers. I worked on a project and felt like I contributed even if it was for a brief time. I am so lucky to work where I do right now. So that being said my physical self is doing pretty great!
I have always loved birthdays and feeling special and treating myself on my special day. This time it was more of an emotional roller coaster. A theme I have gotten used to for the past two years. I am excited and proud to be 40 but thoughts of mortality snuck into my head. All those unproductive thoughts like, how long do I have? I don't want to die, basically more fear. I want to live a long time but ultimately I don't know when it will be my time, none of us do. Look what happened in Japan. One minute your life is going great and then you get hit by an earthquake and the aftermath. Honestly if I take time to think about the suffering of people all over the world, I remember how privileged and lucky I am (cancer still sucks).
When I was in the Peace Corps, I remember spending time/working at the local health center. One of the services they provided was food and care to malnourished children. I distinctly remember this young girl, she must have been 4 and she was severely malnourished. She looked weak and was mostly peeling skin and bones. This was because she didn't have enough of the right food. She would eat but there was no protein in her diet. Her mother didn't have means or knowledge to provide her with the nutrition she needed. She was getting treated at the health center but she didn't make it. So why am I telling this sad story. I don't really know. I think it is because back then I assumed she would recover. I was 25 and didn't know anything about death and just believed everything would work out. I had never had tragedy or hardship in my life. I didn't know her and I met her family for 2 seconds and we didn't even speak the same language. However her image has always stuck in my head. Maybe it is guilt, was there something more I could have done to help her and her family. I don't know. Maybe subconsciously it propelled me into my career of becoming a nurse and helping women and children?
The beauty and challenge about being human is you can never fully understand why things are the way they are. The work is to let yourself delete the need to understand, or at least that is my work these days. The art of letting go. I don't mean letting go of my fight with cancer because I fully intend to do my best to eradicate cancer from my system. I mean letting go of the pressure of mentally trying to figure out why I have the path that I have. I was put on this path for some reason and it has been transformative in so many ways. It is not an easy path that is for sure. Lately, I tell myself "Be Your Path", go into the heart of the fire. Now that I have made it over the birthday roller coaster I am back to my job of waking up to myself and taking a break from yummy birthday cakes.
