Thursday, June 9, 2011
Hurry up and wait!
Today was supposed to be the first day of my last treatment, yeah! Well there is no bed available for me at the hospital. So tomorrow I am on the top of the list. Instead I get to enjoy the day with my son and mom. I am so used to things not going smoothly, my fathers didn't get to ruffled today. Now if I don't get in tomorrow, I will be annoyed. Well more update to come soon.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Hair today, more tomorrow!
Strange but true my hair started growing back midtreatment.
He loves my head!
With or Without You- U2
Not enough time in the day. I need to go to sleep. The "shoulds" are on my back again, thinking about the foods I should be eating. The sleep I should be getting. The time I should be spending with little C. This transition from chemo to recovery is a challenge. There are nine thousand ways to enhance healing and health. I feel like I have tried at least eight thousand of them over the past two years. Sifting through the options is a full time job. How do you decide what is going to help? Answer: I have to feel it in my heart. Sometimes listening is the hardest part.
By the way I saw the movie "I Am", it's very good, great documentary about us humans.Here's the trailer.
http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/iam/
By the way I saw the movie "I Am", it's very good, great documentary about us humans.Here's the trailer.
http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/iam/
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
5 regrets of the dying- Bronnie Ware
REGRETS OF THE DYING by Bronnie Ware, RN
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
For many years I worked in palliative care. My patients were those who had gone home to die. Some incredibly special times were shared. I was with them for the last three to twelve weeks of their lives.
People grow a lot when they are faced with their own mortality. I learnt never to underestimate someone's capacity for growth. Some changes were phenomenal. Each experienced a variety of emotions, as expected, denial, fear, anger, remorse, more denial and eventually acceptance. Every single patient found their peace before they departed though, every one of them.
When questioned about any regrets they had or anything they would do differently, common themes surfaced again and again. Here are the most common five:
1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made.
It is very important to try and honour at least some of your dreams along the way. From the moment that you lose your health, it is too late. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it.
2. I wish I didn't work so hard.
This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret. But as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.
By simplifying your lifestyle and making conscious choices along the way, it is possible to not need the income that you think you do. And by creating more space in your life, you become happier and more open to new opportunities, ones more suited to your new lifestyle.
3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.
Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.
We cannot control the reactions of others. However, although people may initially react when you change the way you are by speaking honestly, in the end it raises the relationship to a whole new and healthier level. Either that or it releases the unhealthy relationship from your life. Either way, you win.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.
It is common for anyone in a busy lifestyle to let friendships slip. But when you are faced with your approaching death, the physical details of life fall away. People do want to get their financial affairs in order if possible. But it is not money or status that holds the true importance for them. They want to get things in order more for the benefit of those they love. Usually though, they are too ill and weary to ever manage this task. It is all comes down to love and relationships in the end. That is all that remains in the final weeks, love and relationships.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.
This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content. When deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again.
When you are on your deathbed, what others think of you is a long way from your mind. How wonderful to be able to let go and smile again, long before you are dying.
Life is a choice. It is YOUR life. Choose consciously, choose wisely, choose honestly. Choose happiness.
Where the Streets Have No Name- U2
I am back on my game for now. Now one week of normalcy until chemo #6, the grand finale. Then I am done. Then what... This is my third experience with cancer treatment. I define cancer treatment as chemo or radiation that is experienced over a specific time period. Surgeries count too but the act of surgery is quick in comparison to treatment and the recovery is the work. So being that this is my third treatment, I have noticed some cyclical patterns. At the end of treatment and for a while after I enter my "PTSD" phase. Ok, I am being honest here. I am not a basket case. I am still myself but the feelings are heavier, the anxiety runs higher and it is as if I am dealing with a new level of the cancer ordeal.
When your facing treatment or in it, you are doing something, there is a plan. I am taking action against cancer by receiving chemotherapy. I am doing what I have to to be strong and get through, surviving. When you are in active treatment, oncologists are interested you and your treatment. When I have been in-between treaments, the oncologists are gone (except every 3 month follow-ups). There is no recovering-from-chemo-transition-into-normalcy, what-is-this -long-lasting-side-effect question answering Doctor. It comes down to navigating my own recovery, managing my anxiety about reoccurrence and figuring out my new post cancer treatment body.
Yes, it is a little scary. My track record for being cancer free hasn't lasted long in the past(hence the anxiety). So why am I sharing all this? Because this is my reality. I want this blog to be a place where I process and share this experience with honesty. I am excited to be finished with chemotherapy but it is not over. The PTSD feelings overwhelm me during this phase. The reality hits me, all the loss and the body that I live in is different than the one I spent 37 years knowing. I have a permanent colostomy, I am covered with scars, I have a new 87,000 dollar vagina (ok, I think that is kind of funny), I am bald. All in the name of cancer.
Yes, I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, there are people worse off then me. I am not complaining. Just trying to tell it like it is. The support I receive is amazing. I have resources to get the support I need, when I need it. I am a lucky person with a lame disease. So if I seem particularly neurotic, controlling, moody or inpatient (yo family) it's because of the PTSD phase. It will pass.
The moral of today's blog is be easy on yourself. A reoccurring theme that I always have to remind myself. Have compassion for yourself. How you treat yourself effects everyone else, it really it does.
When your facing treatment or in it, you are doing something, there is a plan. I am taking action against cancer by receiving chemotherapy. I am doing what I have to to be strong and get through, surviving. When you are in active treatment, oncologists are interested you and your treatment. When I have been in-between treaments, the oncologists are gone (except every 3 month follow-ups). There is no recovering-from-chemo-transition-into-normalcy, what-is-this -long-lasting-side-effect question answering Doctor. It comes down to navigating my own recovery, managing my anxiety about reoccurrence and figuring out my new post cancer treatment body.
Yes, it is a little scary. My track record for being cancer free hasn't lasted long in the past(hence the anxiety). So why am I sharing all this? Because this is my reality. I want this blog to be a place where I process and share this experience with honesty. I am excited to be finished with chemotherapy but it is not over. The PTSD feelings overwhelm me during this phase. The reality hits me, all the loss and the body that I live in is different than the one I spent 37 years knowing. I have a permanent colostomy, I am covered with scars, I have a new 87,000 dollar vagina (ok, I think that is kind of funny), I am bald. All in the name of cancer.
Yes, I have so much to be thankful for. Yes, there are people worse off then me. I am not complaining. Just trying to tell it like it is. The support I receive is amazing. I have resources to get the support I need, when I need it. I am a lucky person with a lame disease. So if I seem particularly neurotic, controlling, moody or inpatient (yo family) it's because of the PTSD phase. It will pass.
The moral of today's blog is be easy on yourself. A reoccurring theme that I always have to remind myself. Have compassion for yourself. How you treat yourself effects everyone else, it really it does.
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