I want a new drug - Huey Lewis & The News

My creativity is low, my posting seems less interesting. I will blame it on treatment. Bubba is 14 months today, happy bday to you my love! He is busy and talking and walking a lot. A bit exhausting for my present lifestyle but also an inspiration of love in my life. I am 33% done with treatment. Unfortunately it is not a downward easy ride from here. I am trying to work on balancing my body with the various assults I currently endure. Tuesday I ended up with 5 pokes for one IV and a blood draw. Now I am sporting a huge bruise from a blown vein, too many pokes.
Now for the graphic part, you can pass on reading this if you don't want to know the "graphic" details. It is all about the vag and butt. Please honor and love your rectum, is all I have to say. All the meds I take have given me constipation and I am working to get things flowing. I have been given the green light to eat all raw fruits and veges, (a wonderful gift) I am drinking prune juice, metamucil, 4 stool softeners a day, lots of water and probiotics and aloe vera juice. Unfortunately, it still hasn't worked, so having a bowel movement is very painful due to my surgery. I had some of the rectal tissue removed so to be crude I can say, "I have ripped a new asshole". I use a lot of yoga breathing and then a sitz bath, cold and warm, Ibuprofen helps. I then get daily radiation on my rectum and vag to add insult to the injury. So I have to say love the amazing process of your rectum. I also have the start of a yeast infection brewing and started on some oral diflucan.
This is what my life is right now, managing symptoms and trying to rest and play with Bubba. I am also trying to find time to bring healing into my day, like listening to a song I like on my drive to radiation and singing it loudly. Sitting in the winter sun watching bubba play with a mole hill and a stick. Searching on the internet for resources and tips to help with my cancer journey. It is just one day at a time and also some good junky distractions like "Lost" episodes or People magazine.

Come Sail Away - Rush

Sleep is winning over blogging, which I guess is a good thing. Trying to heal is a full time job. I have made it through 7 treatments, 23 to go. I don't understand where the time goes. I guess mostly to toddler time and sleeping. I went to a patient services fair and won the raffle. Yahoo for me, a bag of beach supplies and how not to get burned. This is slightly ironic because my treatment will give me burns in that oh so sensitive place. I am being tortured for what I don't know. This cancer treatment is so unsexy. I did discover the resource of "Crazy Sexy Cancer" which is very positive and has some interesting resources.
The great thing about this Seattle "layover" as I like to call it, is that Canyon is getting to play in some very fun places. We hit the Seattle Children's Museum last week and he was happy as a clam, running around "Japan, China and Africa and discovery bay", it was quite a journey for him. I am trying to balance toddler time and me time but toddler time is winning. Canyon will start child care next week which will give me a little more down time. I hope to get in a yoga class or meditation time.

Tomorrow is chemo day and I have decided if I can't feel hot at least I can look hot!

Wild World -Cat Stevens

Here I am in chemo infusion #1. This time I know the drill. I am in the remodeled wing. I am actually resting on a tempur-pedic hospital bed in a large private room with warm tones. So nice. My med orders weren't here so the hydration was started an hour late, so I will be finishing just as the traffic is in full force. I am here solo today due to miscommunication. There is too much to coordinate so it happens. Bubba is with grandma. Hubby is at work. I am cozy watching a cheesy Drew Barrymore movie, eating lorna dunes, and sesame noodles. Relaxing with my new drug load of Ativan, Aloxy(anti-nausea) and a steroid. I am now living with meds. I still have another 45 minutes before I get my chemo drug, Cisplatin, infusion. It is hard on the kidneys so I get 2 hours of hydration before and after. How am I feeling? Like I am experiencing a big deja vu. My white blood cells are a little low but not overly concerning, so they say. I am scared, that is how I am feeling, not like a kick ass strong lady. I am mentally preparing for the unknowns of my body and mind that this treatment brings. one day at a time, it is what it is. The words of wisdom I keep telling myself. I checked out this book from the library called crazy sexy cancer tips. It is great. I skimmed it for some tips of wisdom for this process. One tip I read addresses when you become a "survivor". A question I have often wondered myself. I always assumed it was after treatment but per this particular cancer guide book, you are a survivor the moment you receive your cancer diagnosis, which is a relief. I don't know why but it feels like a relief to know I am already a survivor.
I saw Avitar last night, it was amazing. I kept thinking that Pandora (their world) was like Hawaii. I also thought I would like to be one of the blue people. Maybe I could exchange my body for a blue body like the main character. It is fun to fantasize.
I visited two child care possibilities for Bubba yesterday. It is hard to figure that out. I want to be with Bubba but I also need to rest. The nurses just came in to do there ID checks to give me my toxic drug, they will soon return in blue plastic gowns to hook me up. Kill the cancer, kill the cancer! Just saw an add with a "suckometer". This is high on the suckometer.

One Love - Bob Marley

Yes we have left paradise. Our Kauai trip was superb. It was a perfect getaway. Of course we want to move there now. We have calculated that it will take 3 years before we can move to Kauai. The fantastic part of this dream is that we truly feel like this could be a future reality. What do we have to lose besides money. Canyon was outside more than inside during our trip. He loved the sand and the ocean. He could run barefoot on the grass in only a diaper or naked with complete comfort. It was so refreshing to have a temperature that was always comfortable. We listened to Bob Marley over and over. Canyon loved to watch the CD spin. He would spend time making sure every fan was on in the house. He loved to watch them spin. The beach was his own personal spa. He would lay in the sand, roll around in it, eat it. He dug and sifted and felt it through his toes. He is an amazing boy. Our aloha spirit is high right now.
We are back home and less than 12 hours after landing I started round number 2 of treatment. Back to radiation. I am happy to report 2 days down with little to no side effects, only 28 treatments and 6 chemos and I will be done. Oh but who's counting. Canyon came down with some illness on our trip home or the days leading up to our departure from kauai. He was shivering with a temp of 102. So while I was getting my first treatment he was at a walk in clinic with papa. It was weird to be back on the radiation table again. Same people working just one new person. They are always upbeat and positive, which is nice when you are going somewhere to get fried. This time during treatment I am visualizing these radiation beams targeting my cancer cells like an astroids game. So when I hear the radiation machine buzz and rotate and buzz again I just imagine the cells being blasted and reaching the next level of the healing game. I did feel a bit of nausea the last two days probably nerves. My treatment times range from 9am - 12pm and last 15 minutes. There is no choice but to live in the moment during treatment because I don't know how my body and mind will feel moment to moment with the array of drugs that are circulating through my body. This is a journey of unknowns that is a guarantee.

Breathe (2AM). -Anna Nalick

I am not into writing lately. I feel sad about the changes that are happening. Changes I did not plan on. Finley has only a week more a his child care that he loves. I only have a week more at my job which makes me feel productive in society. It is time for change. The most exciting change is going to Hawaii in a couple weeks. I am excited to sit on the beach and feel the warm sun on my skin. I can't wait to watch Finley play in the sand and hopefully enjoy the ocean water. It will be great. I just feel sad that I have to face 6 weeks of treatment again. I am trying to prepare this time in a different way. I am taking charge more of my healing. I am trying to balance my healing and my job as a mother. This is so hard because I want to be devoted entirely to my son but I have to take care of myself to heal. It is heartbreaking in some ways. I feel like I am not the mother I wanted to be. I am preoccupied with my health but I want to focus on being a mom instead. Intellectually I know that when I take care of myself I am more present for my son and husband. More quality less quantity, right? It is hard to let go of expectations of how I thought things would be as a mother. I am the poor mom with "cancer". Yes I am having a pity party right now. I guess I need to. It is hard to be where you are. I could write pages and pages about what I want but I know the truth is that I have right now. Right now, I am living in a wonderful home, with a loving husband and we have an amazing miracle child. Right now I am enjoying a quiet evening in my warm home with a candle burning and the baby sleeping. Right now, I am pain free and physically able to carry my 24 lb son and go on walks. Right now, I feeling sad, grateful and scared. Right now, I am noticing my breath and the stillness of the room.