Home Sweet Home - Motley Crue

I made it! I have finished 31 radiations and 6 chemos. Thank God it is over. I am healing every day and still on a variety of meds including, steroids and lots of ibu but I will hopefully be able to wean myself off them by next week. My skin is healing a little bit each day. I am still pretty tired and have my mooned-out face. C'est la vie, it could be soo much worse.

I arrived home on Sunday to a transformed home. My hubby was on a mission to create a simple and clean home for our return and he did just that, with help from others too. (Thank you, thank you and thank you). It was so emotional just driving into Bellingham and feeling that sense of being home after being away for 2 months. It was coming back to myself. I arrived to balloons and flowers filling my house and a home that looked like it had been in one of those "clean sweep" shows. We are no longer living on one floor while remodeling we have our whole house back, sans clutter. There are still things to go through and organize but it is not as overwhelming as it once was when we were living on one floor. I am set up to heal and recover- thank you.

My lovely sister-in-law also provided me with a singing card in my bathroom that does play "I will Survive" when I open the card, this has made the the pain a little less grim when it comes to my potty times. I also found a hand held fan a bartells that lights up and has an easter bunny on it. It is perfect for those outings when I can't wipe. Oh the joy of treatment. However soon I will be back to wiping and wearing pants again and I can retire my skirt wardrobe for a while.

My 39th birthday was yesterday and it was wonderful. I was pretty tired because I have been so excited to be home, I want to go, go go. My dad was here for the transition helping me with Canyon and other house things. (thank you, thank you thank you). I received a wonderful juicer and I am excited to start my juicing revolution to keep those cancer cells out of my system. Ok, as I right this all down I have to remind myself to pace myself because I get so excited about the new beginnings. That is where the deep breathing and meditation come in, right.

Canyon is happy and having fun exploring his new/old toys and adjusting to his new/old room.

I am really so thankful to have such wonderfully supportive friends and family during this rough road. I have to say the blogging helps. I am glad to be blogging a little less because that means I am out living life, not on the computer. Life is like a musical (that ones for you mom), for me it is more theme songs that can represent a moment, a day or an event. I know we really have little control in our life and really all we can count on is that things will change. But you can pick your songs, that I can control, we all can.

Blame it on the Rain(Pain) - Milli Vanilli

It is coming down to the wire. 5 more days of radiation and 1 more chemotherapy. I feel like crap. I feel anxious and fearful, but who wouldn't. It is the pain. I have constant pain in my lower regions and am trying to cope. I take steroids and ibu. for the pain which seems to work, most of the time. I really hate narcotics and am not planning on using them. I feel like I am hitting another wall, a combo of an emotional and physical wall. Now that my body is hurting it is hard to keep going. It is kinda like training for that marathon I attempted 4 years ago. I am at mile 19 and I want to stop, cry and rest, back then I did keep going. So now at "mile 19" of torturing my body I want to stop and cry and heal. Cancer treatment is really lame. My life has changed in so many ways due to this disease and I have had such little time to process. It is just survival at this stage. It is not fair. The other challenge is once I am finished with treatment the week after is going to really suck because I will still have all the damage and minus all the drugs to help with the side effects. I am working on this with my docs.

Last week at my doc visit the doc, resident and nurse all said, "my butt looks really good" (don't hear that one every day). I guess my skin has done well and my treatment and care systems have worked. Chemo was long on Tuesday. Again, they had trouble getting an IV. The first IV infiltrated after 2 hours and then the next one worked great but I didn't get out of there until 6:30 pm due to waiting to get the 3rd IV attempt. Thankfully I had some friends visit to make the time pass by.

Due to the pain when I go to the bathroom I have been trying different coping techniques which include breathing, singing and humming. I wish I had one of those musical greeting cards so every time I completed a bathroom experience (and let me tell you it is an experience) without crying or passing out I can play "Celebrate good times" or "I will survive".

The other part of this journey that is rough is being alone. Here is my existential moment. I know so many people fight cancer but when you are going through it, it is so individual. The feelings emotionally, physically and spiritually are crazy. We all have our own life journey and finding meaning in life is different for everyone. Well this cancer has turned all my beliefs upside down. It has made me face fears I haven't - death being the big one. It has made me think about what is important in my life. What really does matter- being with those you love and helping/healing others. All the houses, stuff and money will be gone. Trying to be in the here and now and embrace creativity and passion -This is how I want to live. I am ready to create more happy memories I want to be done with cancer in my body. Yes, cancer you are a teacher and I am committed to learning from you for the rest of my life, I promise, but your cells can leave now.

New Moon on Monday - Duran Duran

The count down is on. Only 9 more radiation treatments and 2 more chemos. The radiation fields are decreasing starting tomorrow too. Yeah! usually there are 9 different radiation beam angles that target a variety of areas. Now they are going to be reduced down to 3 target areas, the techs call it "a boost". When I think of a boost I think of getting a protein boost in a smoothie, something healthy. But this is like an additional blast to kill the cancer and fry my skin too. However my groin area is now going to be radiation free, let the healing begin. Mondays and Tuesdays are my most challenging days of the week. All my meds are wearing off by Monday evening and a headache is starting to set in. Tuesday I feel like dung just waiting to get more steroids to stop the headache and the pain in my butt. oh the joy of treatment.

I am trying to see this as spring cleaning. Out with the old in with the new. I am so ready to be done with this spring cleaning. I went to acupuncture last Friday and felt more energy as a result. I was also informed that my "yang" was low, which is "lack of heat". Something you wouldn't expect from someone getting radiation but we figured it is probably due to the chemo medication which is a metal. Now I have a list of "yang" foods to eat. Hopefully I can ignite more heat into my body, it is worth a try.

I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

Dreamweaver -Reo Speedwagon

Fly me high through the starry skies
Maybe to an astral plane
Cross the highways of fantasy
Help me to forget today's pain

Ooh dream weaver
I believe you can get me through the night
Ooh dream weaver
I believe we can reach the morning light

2 weeks left and it keeps getting tougher. Hit a wall this week(weak), emotional brick wall. It is hard to get radiation every day knowing that it is frying my girl parts, but it's killing the cancer which is the goal. I am not a fan of pain but who is? I finally created a CD to listen to during my 15 minutes of day on the rad table. The first song is "most beautiful girl in the room", by Flight of the Conchords, it makes me laugh because I am not feeling so beautiful these days. (So I need to tell myself I am beautiful.) I have learned through this journey that my body can take a lot of insult and all my vanity has left the building. I just do what I can to cope. My body transforms from steroids, radiation and chemo. Moon face, pudgy belly, burned parts- what is next? I have 3 sitz baths a day, aloe vera gel, and now some silvadene cream. It is quite a process. While I soak I have been reading a book about surviving hard times and buddhism. I am working on the idea of being in the present moment but when I feel the burning pain, last thing I want to do is being the present moment, hell no. It is a weird journey.

Last weekend I took an art class at the cancer lifeline - the healing mandala. It was with 10 others dealing with cancer and we created and shared. It was such a blessing to have some time to create and express this insane time via art and know that I am NOT alone.

I heard Dreamweaver driving to radiation today and it fit my feelings perfectly. I am ready to reach the morning light. I want to be done, move through this and be present for my son and husband. I want my life back. My fortune cookie said: Success will be Yours!